I don't know how to explain what's happening in my mind.

For a long time now, the idea of pain has made me feel... something. Excitement. Or maybe adrenaline. Back when I did self harm, it felt like I deserved it. Like I I was fixing something that is wrong. It felt like it's fair. It felt satisfying.

I stopped three years ago. I made a promise and kept it. I've been cut free for three years, three months and 20 days.

Still, when the pressure gets too much, when I'm stressed, when I make a mistake at anything, the urge keeps coming back.

Since the idea of pain excited me, I got to learn about BDSM. I've read a lot and got to know what I do and don't like. In theory.

Lately, I joined my local BDSM community, hoping I might feel less like a freak for being a masochist after meeting the people there. One problem that occurred is that I'm also asexual and sex-repulsed. And they don't seem to be able to wrap their mind around the concept of being a sub and a masochist AND sex-repulsed at the same time.

(Really, it's not that complicated: I don't need to be naked in order to be tied up, beaten and then praised for how well I took it. And I couldn't care less if the person doing it was a man, a woman or non-binary, as long as I got the sensation.)

Since I've joined the community, I've felt worse than before. I feel like a freak, because what kind of a person wants to be in pain? I feel broken, because what kind of a person doesn't like sex?

The answer is me. I'm this broken freak.

After all of this, my mind is a mess. I don't know what to think or how to deal with all of these mixed up feelings and desires.

I know I'm broken. I have trust issues, which is automatically a huge no-no when it comes to BDSM. It's all about trust and communication, and setting boundaries. I can't do any of this.

My brain refuses to let anyone see me as the wreak I really am. But a part of me wants to be seen as just that. I'm so tired of having to be in control of my every word, every action, every thought, just because of "what people will think". I don't want to be anyone's child or sibling or colleague, I don't want to be responsible and smart and strong. I'm only human, goddammit it! I want to break down and know that I'm allowed to!

There is a special kind of freedom that comes with being powerless. When you realise you have no control and nothing depends on you, when you surrender. You can't do anything wrong when you can't move. You can't say anything wrong if you can't speak. And if you cry, if you scream while being beaten, when there are actual bruises on your skin afterwards, nobody will tell you that your pain isn't real or that it's all in your head.

Maybe the only reason I got into BDSM was because I saw "sadism and masochism" and thought "I'm not the only one, there are other freaks that want to be in pain and who would cause pain". But if you remove the sex from it, is it really the same thing? If they all see the pain as a warm-up, as a foreplay before having sex in the end, then what am I even doing there?

Am I just relapsing in a different way, trying to use BDSM as a substitute for self harm with the exact same results?

I haven't done anything with anyone yet, and most likely I never will. But in case I do... will I be breaking my promise? Will I be using it as a loophole to self harm?

What should I do with this mess I am?

i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.

it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.

i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.

it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.

everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.

the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.

the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.

i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.

idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.

after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do

but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.

first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.

when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.

in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.

i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.

people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?

but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???

or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.

i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.

tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.

what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.

i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?

Has anyone ever experienced their body shutting down out of the blue, seemingly for no reason? Like you’re going through an attack, but it’s not how panic attacks are usually described (hyperventilation, breathing fast, etc.), it’s the opposite. It has happened about 5 times to me, always in the evening when I’m preparing for sleep or am lying in bed. I noticed it starts with this weird tingling feeling that I associate with intense physical efforts like running a marathon, when the last bits of energy are floating out of you and the body is preparing to get a deserved rest. But it doesn’t feel like drifting to sleep. My body sorta freezes while my mind is still fully awake and I can sorta watch my body from above. I can feel my breathing getting slower by the minute, and I instinctively begin to breathe through my mouth for fear of being choked from no oxygen. I try to keep my eyes open because I’m scared that if I fall asleep in such a state I’ll certainly die… Yet my brain is willing to go into sleep mode, which makes me fight with myself and fight with this terror that something’s wrong with my body. My vision gets blurry and my head lightheaded. If I try to get up and walk the room I can’t fully shake off the dizziness and extreme anxiety akin to panic (but again, not quite), the room sorta zooming away from me. I can’t describe it in any other way but tunnel vision as I can’t focus on anything in the room besides what’s right in front of me. My hearing gets muddied and I eventually have to sit back or lie down on the bed because otherwise I’ll pass out.

I’m seriously scared there might be something wrong, and not only with my mind. I wonder if this could be disassociation gone too far or some sort of a pre-stroke condition? It makes me dizzy and nauseated, and I’m scared to fall asleep for many more hours afterwards. The last time this happened during the day when I was about to lie down and watch movies for a couple of hours. Basically, it always happens when I’m about to relax, nothing seemingly worrying me, that’s why I’m positive it’s not a panic attack.

Can it be the body’s reaction to stress? The first two times when it happened I was staying with my stepparent who is going through rehabilitation after surgery, and those were super stressful days and nights. I thought it might be my body’s way to tell me it needs a rest or some medical help. However, I’m on antianxiety meds now, and it happened three more times since. I would really like it to go away, it scares the shit out of me. Am I the only one with these weird conditions??

I know work problems are extremely common in people with bipolar disorder and I am no exception. One day I excel, the next day…yikes. I currently work for my best friend, it has been a blessing in many ways because he understands my needs and where I’m coming from. The problem is, I’ve gotten too comfortable with his understanding. When I’m having an off day, I take more breaks than I would if I worked for anyone else. Because…you know. He understands.

I’m starting to feel guilty because I worry that I’m taking advantage of his kindness. At the same time, there are days I would be genuinely unemployed through no true fault of my own, if he were anyone else…which often makes me feel even worse! He deserves someone reliable to support his business, instead he has me. And he won’t fire me, I’ll have to choose to leave if things get bad enough.

I can see his stress is building. Some days are so bad that not only am I not helping him, I’m also holding him back because he feels responsible for helping me through whatever I’m going through (you can see why he’s my best friend). He’s doing his own work (which consists of a full time day job plus our startup tech company), my work, and supporting me emotionally. It’s too much for one person which is partly why I’m here, to lesson his emotional burden at least.

When I think of leaving and getting another job, something more routine and where I could get fired if I don’t do my work, I freeze up. I’m a single parent of three kids. I live with my parents who help watch them, but it’s still a lot more responsibility for me as a parent than it would be if I were still married. I’ve spent most of their lives working, and missed out on a lot. With my friend, I get to work from home most days and can spend time with them. So here there’s a threefold problem, one of being terrified of getting a new job, and one of not wanting to lose the time with my kids, and one of being in a position where I get fired.

I just want to know how I can eliminate my habit of taking a mile when I’ve been given an inch. In a way I can continue to blame my disorder because impulse control is a known weakness in people like myself, but I don’t want to. I have enough awareness on those days to know I’m doing wrong, and I’m screwing myself out of the opportunity to take time off when I’m actually falling apart—because although he won’t fire me, there is still a limit to his patience.

I’m tired of feeling guilty. I’m the last person on earth you would ever expect to take advantage of a good situation, yet here I am.