My OCD is crippling and, as my psychologist said, it prevents me from living a full life. It has been with me for many years, while I haven’t even realized. I thought it was just general anxiety and overthinking. I’m afraid my brain is stuck in this loop forever, since it’s been like that for too long. I’ve read that, if untreated, some mental illnesses cause real changes in parts of the brain that will never be back to normal again. When I asked my psychologist about it, she shrugged it off, and now I’m worried she either didn’t want to scare me or she doesn’t know, LOL.
She tells me to make a goal, the destination we should come to. I don’t really know. I want to feel normal again, and I hate going to therapy, but some parts of my OCD are sort of parts of me now? Like, I have “safe” numbers (3, 5, 7..) and I avoid all the others. Which makes me re-check if my door is locked three times in a row, just because only three times does the trick. Yes, it’s silly, but it doesn’t hurt anyone? I can’t honestly say it makes me unhappy.
On the other hand, I hate constant worries about things that aren’t even possible, and I dream to get rid of those! I obsess over the smallest details until I’m completely out of energy. Having intrusive thoughts about bad stuff that happened years ago is dumb and emotionally draining. I almost feel I’d be OK with even all these things, if only I could get rid of the stress and constant anxiety they cost me.
I know some people say therapy helps them a bit with OCD, but it can’t be fully cured. I also believe that certain medications help, but I’m afraid of the side effects. Is it actually possible to recover your old self? I think I just need a little reassurance or happy stories, IDK...
The weight you're carrying sounds incredibly heavy. Please know that you matter. Your existence has value beyond what others have made you feel. Your pain is real, but it isn't your destiny. Take gentle care of yourself,maybe start with just 5 minutes of something that brings you peace each day. Build from there. Small steps. Which activities used to bring you joy before all this happened?
Twenty years of experience of being a good listener to my friends right here (some might even say that i'm the best lol). I've seen my friends go through veryyyy dark times. And it has only taught me that our darkest chapters often precede our greatest transformations. Your timeline is your own, there's no "too late" for healing and growth. The pain you're feeling is real, but it's not permanent. Let yourself feel the pain, really FEEL it! But when you gotta release, let go, and it won't happen in one day, and it's a gradual process. You might think that you're not changing, but you are. You are going to slowly change and heal
Your story isn't over, it's still being written. Focus on gentle progress, not perfection. Healing happens in layers, like peeling an onion. Be patient with yourself. Find one tiny spark of hope and nurture it, like really really nutrure it to the point of happiness (It's possible!!)
The path ahead may seem unclear now, but every journey begins exactly where you are. You possess strength you haven't yet discovered. The world needs your unique light, even if you can't see it clearly right now. Your 30s can be a time of incredible growth and transformation. Think about this, what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?
hi, I'm going through almost the exact same thing of not knowing who I am (I am 32 btw) so if you ever wanna chat just @ me
My heart goes out to you. Psychological abuse is no joke and it leaves deep scars. It's completely normal to feel stuck and hopeless right now. It really is. Please know that your feelings are valid and you're not alone in this struggle. There a lot of people who can relate and thank you for opening up. Don't compare yourself to others, we all have different journeys. Please hold on!
I've been there too - those dark moments when you feel like everything's just pointless and you haven't achieved anything worthwhile.
I'm 29 now, and sometimes I look at my life and think "what have I even done?" I still play video games, get excited about nerdy stuff, and sometimes feel like I'm not "adult enough" compared to others my age. I used to get so much crap for being a geek in high school. People would look down on me for the things I loved. And sometimes, even now, those feelings come back and hit me hard
But I started asking myself why I was letting other people decide what's "worthy" or "successful." Like, who made them the judges of my life, you know?
I get those anxiety spirals too. Those moments when you feel like you're just existing, not living. When everything feels heavy and meaningless. It's rough.
But I found something that helps me. I started really diving deep into the things I actually enjoy. Not what others think I should enjoy, but what genuinely makes me happy. For me, it's gaming and studying, weird combo, right?
And you know what? When I'm doing those things, the anxiety kind of... fades a bit. Not completely, but it becomes more manageable
I know it might sound simple or maybe even stupid, but finding that one thing you genuinely enjoy can be like finding a tiny light in all that darkness. It doesn't fix everything, but it gives you something to hold onto.
And about being almost 30, I get that panic too. Society makes us feel like we need to have everything figured out by now. But that's bull, honestly. Some of the coolest people I know found their path way later in life.
And please, please don't give up. I know it's a cliché, but things really can get better. Not overnight, not in some magical way, but slowly, bit by bit.
If you ever need someone who gets it, who's been in that dark place too, I'm right here
@Voltesv Hey, omg I feel you so much about the geek stuff People used to make fun of me so bad in school for reading manga during lunch breaks and having "weird" interests. It's crazy how much your message hit home for me. I'm 28 and still get super excited about new game releases and spend way too much time theorizing about my favorite shows. Sometimes I look at my friends who are all "grown up" with their fancy jobs and I'm like... meanwhile I'm here freaking out about the new Pokemon games
@Voltesv Ahhh Red and Blue era!! I started with Blue and my starter was always Squirtle (I know, basic lol). These days I'm not hiding anymore - my whole desk at work is covered in Pokemon plushies and I don't care what anyone thinks. Though sometimes my coworkers give me these looks when I get super excited about new releases
@Voltesv Exactly!! Like, why is being excited about sports totally normal but when I get hyped about a new anime season everyone acts weird? Speaking of anime, have you been watching any good ones lately? I've been in such a slump trying to find something new!
@erich4328 Omg you're into Pokemon too?? Which one's your favorite? I've been playing since Red and Blue and I still get so hyped for each new release! It's like, some people don't get how these games can mean so much to us, but they're literally part of who we are
I totally get what you mean about those lunch breaks. I used to hide in the library to read my manga. Now I'm like, why did I have to hide something that made me happy?
@erich4328 NO WAY, Squirtle squad forever!! And those coworker looks, I know them so well 😭
Like last week I was trying to explain to my team why I needed a day off for a game release and they just stared at me like I grew a second head. But honestly? I'd rather be excited about things than be all boring and "mature" you know?
I want you to know something important: you survived. You're still here despite everything they put you through, and that shows incredible strength. You're dealing with serious trauma, and it's completely understandable to feel this way. I know therapy and meds haven't given you the relief you need yet, but please don't give up. Have you considered trying EMDR therapy? It specifically helps with trauma. Your life isn't ruined, it's just on pause while you heal.
Hi, friend!
I'm turning 35 next month and I spent most of my 20s dealing with severe trauma and abuse too
I felt exactly like you do now - hopeless, stuck, and like I'd never catch up
Your brain and body are still processing the trauma, and that's okay. It's actually normal
I know it feels impossible right now, but please don't give up. Every breath you take is an act of rebellion against those who tried to break you
I promise you, it can get better. It did for me, even when I was convinced it never would
I've been exactly where you are. Let me tell you something: your 30s can be your redemption era. I know because I'm living it right now. I started rebuilding my life at 31 after years of abuse, and while it wasn't easy, it was worth it. Sometimes we need to completely fall apart before we can rebuild ourselves stronger. Your trauma responses are protecting you right now, and that's okay. But they don't have to define your future. Have you considered joining a trauma survivors support group? Being around others who understand can be incredibly healing