I’m increasingly concerned about my 21-year-old stepdaughter who lives with us. Despite her age, she still has many childish tendencies, and most of her interests align with those of a much younger individual. She has a deep love for Disney movies and often spends hours watching them, which is something I would expect from a child, not a young grownup. She doesn’t have many friends and sits at home all days after college. She is quite capable of taking care of herself and doing small things around the house without being asked. But I must say she is rather immature. Her reaction to conflict or discomfort is often inappropriate for her age. Instead of engaging in a conversation about something she dislikes, she may throw a KitKat at me or show the middle finger, which is so infuriating!

Another issue is her emotional sensitivity. She gets upset over trivial matters and becomes angry very easily. It's incredibly challenging to have any kind of constructive dialogue with her because she takes everything personally. She’s been on medications for almost five years (maybe more, not sure) with official diagnoses of depression and social anxiety. Which only exacerbates all her tendencies. I mean, even the slightest bit of criticism or pressure can lead to her bursting into tears. My spouse and I are being very discreet around her, as any minor inconvenience or change can set off an emotional breakdown. She needs that my spouse be around her at home most of the time, she won’t even go shopping alone, presumably because she’s too anxious about it.

She has seen a therapist in the past, but I can’t say if it made any difference, my spouse was the one who chose the therapist and overlooked the process. I think they had some conflict, and my stepdaughter refused to continue. Don’t know the details. Anyhow, I worry that she hasn't been able to progress beyond these childish behaviors due to her mental health issues. I want to support her, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to do so when her responses are so disproportionate.

I'm concerned how it will impact her future. She needs to be able to handle life's challenges without our help (financial or emotional). I fear that she may be unsuccessful in relationships and work environments, if she continues like this. I need some guidance on how to help her change and thrive.

I have been with my partner for 9 years, and I’m afraid I can’t do it any longer.

When we met, I was 17 and he was 22. During the first three years of dating we lived separately, and he was the best thing that happened to me. I was not the happiest person back then. I was lonely, I considered myself ugly, I had problems with my studies, and my parents were divorcing, so I was always on edge. In these circumstances, my partner seemed an angel from the heavens. He was there for me, he took me out, and we’d drive for hours or just sit in his car and talk… Really my best memories.

We married three years later, and I moved in with him. By that time I dropped out of college and started working at the supermarket. That’s when I found out that dating and living together are two different worlds. My husband is a nice person, and he’d help any time I asked. But I had to ask all the time! He’d lived alone for a long time before we met, and his habits were horrible, the worst cliches about men apply. He couldn’t cook, he never did proper shopping other than ordering pizzas, his whole flat was always a mess, and he was comfortable in it. I had to enforce basic hygiene rituals. At first I forced him to help me around the house, but it was really tiresome to always command “do this” and “do that”. I hoped he’d act like a grownup, but he never tried. I soon realized he wasn’t mean or overly selfish. He was just being himself, it didn’t come to his mind to help we with the groceries, to wash the dishes, to learn to boil eggs… His attitude was “you can do it if you need it, but I’m OK without”. I was patient, and angry, but most of all I got tired. After a year of working five days a week, I decided to continue my education, and between my job, my studies and home I had no free time at all. I felt I was living with a child-adult who couldn’t help me, because he couldn’t even take proper care of himself. My romantic feelings slowly evaporated, and so did our sexual life.

I wanted to go away many times. But something always stopped me. My husband is very kind and funny, he is my true best friend. I trust him, other women do not exist for him. We click emotionally and have common interests. Both my parents like him – they don’t communicate with each other, but they both communicate with my husband more often than with me (mainly because I’m always busy)! All the women I know divorced their men because they were cheating, or aggressive, or for some other unpleasant reason. Can I divorce my husband because he turned out to be a child?

I know that I’m not happy, but I dread the unknown future and throwing away nine years of my life. I love my husband as a person, but I don’t love him as my partner.

All cops are bastards and I stand by that. Not just because they disproportionately target black and brown communities but because instead of actually protecting and serving, all they do is antagonise and harass people. If not, they’re doing everything but their job.

Since moving into my apartment my upstairs neighbour has been continuously harassing me. Everything from blasting music at 10pm to 7am, stomping on the floors all hours of the day, to cornering and questioning me, verbally threatening and more recently PHYSICALLY threatening me, and just yesterday, SETTING MY PROPERTY ON FIRE.

I’ve filed report after report but because she hasn’t touched me YET police are claiming they “can’t do anything.” The point of reporting is PREVENTION. Why do I have to wait for her to HURT me for them to intervene? While I’m not the only person she antagonises, she’s specifically targeting me for unknown reasons. I’m being told to “just ignore it” but because I’m “ignoring it” it’s why she feels comfortable threatening me the way she does.

Part of the reason I’ve been trying not to react is because she extreme mental illness; schizophrenia and paranoia, but that’s not an excuse. I’ve called the cops over 15 times and every time I’m put on hold for 30min-1hr or transferred to departments unrelated to what I’m seeking help for. If I’m fortunate to immediately connect with an officer, they have nasty ass attitudes. I understand they likely get thousands of stupid calls a day but when someone’s calling in genuine fear of their life, they take their sweet ass time if you’re not in a neighbourhood they feel they need to protect and serve.

Law enforcement was never created with intent to “protect and serve” but to demonise and oppress black, brown and other minority communities. Fuck the police and everything they pretend to stand for.

In the past, I would overwhelm myself by shouldering the problems of others without having anyone to help me with my own. I felt obligated to because that’s what friends are for, right? But after a year of therapy, support workshops and self-help exercises I’ve come to learn no, that’s NOT what friends are for.

When I lacked boundaries and healthy communication skills, I allowed people to constantly trauma dump on me. These people were individuals I called “friends.” The thing about it is, they had no regard for MY mental/emotional wellbeing and would discard me once they felt better. Or if I attempted to be vulnerable around them they were “too busy”/unavailable.

Now that I have healthy boundaries, an understanding of my limitations and respect my limited capacity to receive negative information, I honour myself by asserting these boundaries and communicating these limitations to anyone I’m building rapport with.

Because if it’s something I’ve also learned, it’s that everyone’s definition of a friend looks different. For some, it’s someone you occasionally talk to, for others it’s what a person can do for them. Myself personally, a friend is someone I can share laughs with but also expect them to hold me accountable if I say/do something inappropriate. It’s me knowing I can also hold them accountable and that there can be healthy conflict without fallout. It’s sharing core values and interests, but also having differences and still getting along.

These days a lot of people don’t want friends, they want “fans” and “followers.” Individuals who’ll cosign on anything and everything they do regardless of it’s right or wrong. They don’t want to take responsibility or grow to better themselves, they don’t want to build long lasting relationships, just superficial and short term connections. They don’t want ACTUAL friends, they want therapists; people to dump things on, and because of that I’ll remain selective social and continue holding space with myself.

Yes, your friends should be there to support you in your time of need but they shouldn’t be treated like therapists. YES, your friends are loved ones and people apart of your support system but NO, they’re not qualified professionals to guide you through traumatic events and life experiences.

That’s why I’m tired of seeing the narrative, “You’re a bad friend/person if you don’t let your loved ones trauma dump on you!” because it’s so inconsiderate? Everyone has a life outside the friendships they build and that should be understood as well as respected.

Everybody’s capacity is different, and if you can’t take two seconds to ask if the person is in a well enough, mental and emotional head space to receive information that has the potential to be triggering then you’re not as good of a friend as you think. Your friends and loved ones shouldn’t feel “obligated” to be emotionally overwhelmed because they’re afraid you’ll accuse them of being uncaring.

Additionally, just because you might have the capacity to do it doesn’t mean you have to. It’s great that you’re looking out for your loved ones but it’s their responsibility to seek professional outlets that’ll accommodate their circumstances. People really don’t understand how that can put a strain on friendships, intentional or not. And I understand that receiving professional help is extremely difficult, but if you think your friends are therapists then you should re-evaluate yourself. While there are people comfortable with having this dynamic, others aren’t.

With me deciding to no longer be the therapist friend, it’s been QUIET. With me setting boundaries, it’s, “Oh Mitchel you’ve changed.” With me stepping away from anything that doesn’t positively serve me after respectfully communicating my disassociation, it’s, “Mitchel’s weird.”

I didn’t change nor am I weird, I just respect myself enough to no longer let people take advantage of me and they dislike it, but I’m okay with that. No longer being the therapist friend is one of the best things I’ve done for myself, and while I of course still support and advocate for others when possible, I do it in a way that doesn’t overwhelm me or invalidate them.