I have a lot of things from my past I still have problems progressing, so I wanted to tell my story with you here. Of course I experienced a lot of good events in my life so far but I will be mainly focusing on the negative ones because these are the ones that make life difficult for me sometimes because there are some bad experiences I have made that I have problems with. Anyways, let's get started!

I grew up with my parents though I don't have any siblings. My parents were pretty good parents, I'm not gonna say that they were bad like who knows why they acted the way they did in some difficult situations and who knows how hard parenting really is because I'm only 17 and I don't have any kids yet even if I could've been pregnant once (against my will) but I'm lucky about not having kids because for me personally it would be way too early to have kids at 17. I don't want to offend anyone having a different opinion for themselves but I just don't feel ready to be a mom, also I'm single ;). Back to my parents, I spent most of the time with my mom because my dad was working in a jail and he had night shift quite often or he came back from work in the evening, so I didn't have much time to spend with him which I still regret a few years later because I feel like I really would have needed the time with him. Now that he is retired I kinda have a need to catch up on all the time I have missed with him. My mom was okay as a mom, let's be honest. I see she tried her best but she was unsure and overwhelmed with me so often. She was a pretty strict mom and she always warned me to do what she said. She was and still is a perfectionist which I inherited from her in some way but I made myself clear that perfection does not exist in this world. Nothing and no one is perfect. She got better somehow right now but she was an extremely perfectionist person when I was younger. She wanted me to do everything perfectly since day one. Of course I couldn't so she was never satisfied with me and she rarely told me I did something well. Then there was her insecurity which made her unsure about how to act, for example when I didn't want to listen to her she just yelled at me and one time she even hit me. Not hard but it still broke a piece of my heart because she always was the person I trusted, she was the first person I saw after being born and now she did this, I couldn't understand anything at that moment. 

When I was 3 years old my parents decided to bring me to kindergarten. They had some kindergartens for choice and they chose one near where we live so they didn't have to drive a long time till there. I'm not gonna blame my parents for the bad experiences I have had there at all. They couldn't know that it would be so bad there. I wasn't a good eater as a kid and I nearly never had an appetite, I was underweight. I can understand that everyone, my parents, as well as the kindergarten teachers were worried about me but the way they treated me was just unacceptable. They forced me to eat even if I wasn't hungry and if I didn't eat they put the whole food in my mouth and choked me while eating so I threw up nearly every single time. This time for me was terrible. I remember all the kids around me telling the teachers to stop doing that to me but they just kept doing their thing. I was so shocked and maybe traumatized about what they did to me every day that I felt kind of paralyzed in my mind if you know what I mean. I mean I was unable to talk about what was happening to me till I was 7. That day my dad was really angry about this. I was his only child and he was and still is fighting for me like a lion or something. Back then he also protected me so much because he felt like he owed me something because of the lack of time we spent together. I remember him calling the kindergarten telling them I wouldn't ever come back there. I still feel how relieved I was about this. (Btw if you're wondering why I was still in kindergarten at 7, I was there for learning and stuff after school till my mom picked me up). 

My elementary school wasn't bad at all. I got to know a lot of friends and had fun going to school. When I was in 4th grade, a student of the 3rd grade started harassing me. He often had more boys around him so I was pretty shy around them (I was and still am shy at all but this was just another situation). He was treating me like his slave. He wanted me to do everything he wanted. One day he tried to pull down my skirt and kicked me between my legs. After that he kept harassing me. The teachers called his parents twice but nothing changed. Anytime I went to some of my classmates and they protected me from him.

Later I went to secondary school. In 5th grade I got bullied by two of my classmates who were jealous of me. They offended me, stole my things… I talked to the teachers and to my parents a lot about this but no one took it really seriously. One day they grabbed me and told me they wanted to see my corpse and pushed me in front of a truck. I didn't get injured but this was the moment where everyone realized that it was serious. I remember how I went home from school that day and told my dad about what happened. He immediately called my class teacher and told him about it. My teacher was crying on the telephone. One of the students got expelled from school and the other one is actually one of my friends right now. The following years were pretty nice til I graduated. I didn't have any problems with others. Maybe 2 weeks after I graduated, an ex classmate of mine texted me that he likes me and that he would like to meet me. I was really happy and surprised about this because I liked him too. The next week we met in a shopping center. I thought that it would get really nice to finally be outside with someone I really like and who really likes me. But it didn't get nice at all. He dragged me into the stairway of the parking garage of the center and sexually assaulted me there. Since that experience I'm afraid of boys and men. When I went back home I told my parents a bit of what happened. I couldn't tell everything because I got the same feeling I had in kindergarten so I was too shocked to talk about everything. My dad told me to sue him a thousand times but I didn't want to let other people like the police know of that situation because it felt really embarrassing for me. Also I felt like everything was my fault, I should have known it all so I didn't sue him. I'm still one hundred percent satisfied with this decision. I think that was all of my bad experiences I have had so far. Of course there may be a lot of small experiences I don't remember right now but the ones that I have mentioned are the most influential ones for my life. But what have I got from them now? 

• Through the fact that my dad was working a lot when I was a little kid, I have a really close relationship to him
• Through the kindergarten thing I don't trust people fast and I'm actually scared of them when I don't know them well. Also I got insecure about my eating habits (even if I'm normal weight now)
• Because my mom rarely complimented me / told me that I was doing things well & through the bullying thing, I got insecure about myself and got depression and anxiety
• Through the experience with the boy who assaulted me, I got a fear of boys and men

What other problems do I have?

As I already mentioned, I am suffering from depression, anxiety and insecurity. Additionally I got diagnosed with autism last year. I don't think that autism makes me unsure about how people feel. I feel like I am more empathetic through that. I immediately see how people are feeling, they don't even have to tell me and my experiences make me able to give them some advice in many cases. Also I overthink quite often. 

That was my story :)

I am constantly thinking up rituals.... that will save me from something terrible...I realize with my mind that it will not help, but I do the rituals...It goes automatically...How would I get rid of it.... For example, when I start to feel anxious, I get compulsive hand tics. You can see it. And the anxiety gets less. I realize it has nothing to do with my anxiety decreasing, but the tics are there. And it doesn't look good on people. I have a habit of not stepping on cracks and manholes. When I see a coin lying on the ground, I have a fear that I will have a bad day. If I met a woman in the morning . it would also be a bad day...My nervous tics manifest themselves while driving...I get very nervous on the road...I even skinned my first steering wheel . Someone chews on my legs, and I rip off the steering wheel...It was in a foam cover, and I was at a stoplight, and I forged "holes" in it. something instead of a soft toy. My "ragged" steering wheel looked like an "experienced" steering wheel and made, oddly enough, a good impression on women. Because I had "scratched" the car many times, I polished it many times. and my car looked very good. Outside of the shen there is no way you could tell it was the car of someone who is afraid and doesn't know how to drive. Lately, I've developed a "wheel neurosis". I started to fear that my wheels would fall off when I was driving. And this is in my 8th year of driving experience. It's a very difficult condition for me because I'm really afraid of getting into an accident. I'd drive out and start listening. I'd hear a thump. And that's it, my neurosis begins. I had images of myself flying into an oncoming car, then a scone from the car...and I started pounding. So I went to a couple of repair shops. And there was done everything they could do to take money from me. But I heard a thump. I changed a bunch of parts that hold and spin the wheel. For a while I was feeling better. At home, I listened to wheel knocking on the internet for various faults (there is such a site), and searched for my wheel. I did not know that I had "musical hearing", I never sang or played musical instruments. At the mother's room, they took me for a fool at first. Then they respected me when they found a broken bearing (next to the tire). Then I decided to buy a perfectly new tire so it wouldn't "rustle". because mine was worn down unevenly. After that I had a nervous breakdown. I drove away from the workshop and heard a strong "rustling". I told my wife that the wheels had been badly put on, apparently. She said, "It's just your imagination." So I drove down the street. It was a big bang, I was pounding. I stopped, I looked at the wheels, nothing outside... I was wet with sweat, fear, and I already realized that here we go! It's time for the wheels to fall off...And then my wife started laughing...and the rumbling disappeared. by the way. "Look, the labels from the wheels have fallen off"-said she....Oh, yes...big labels with the price and other things were glued on the tread of the wheels...the service workers did not take them off...and I heard the paper hitting the road surface.... My wife says I'm sick...and I don't know...but I'll go again tomorrow and listen to the wheels.....

I'm going to die soon...and unlike some site visitors I really want to live..... and I could live life to the fullest, because I have enough money to do so. But I'm very sick and I have a few years to live.

While I'm lying in bed, I have time to rethink my whole life. It's only now, before it ends, that I realize I've been living it wrong. I've spent too much time on work and money. My daughter wasn't getting my attention, and neither was my wife. They did get a lot of my money. And I realize I was "paying them off". I thought that money was the main thing, and if I gave them money, I would buy them. Because my childhood was spent in a poor family. My parents didn't love me and I didn't know what it was. I hardly ever call my mother either, but I send money. I consider it my duty to maintain it. I did not see affection in my family and did not know how to give it to people. I grew up tough, cynical, and it helped me make money. Now I am rich, but I cannot buy life and health. I don't want to be lonely, so I decided to communicate more gently with my daughter. She is afraid of me, I yelled at her a lot, didn't consider her and her interests at all. She had to obey, for the money I used to keep her. She loves me after all, and I want to give her the love I never had. I treated my subordinates badly. And now I'm trying to do something good for them with my money. Money has lost its value. Too bad I realized that a few years before I died. The real wealth is my daughter, who despite my strictness loves me, and does not wait for my money. She works on her own and refuses my help now. I began to think about what I can do with my money to help people while I am still alive.... and how to live these few years differently....

After my mother's death, I had new feelings. She's always with me. I feel her presence, my intuition has started to sense danger. A certain feeling inside shows me that danger is near. When I'm alone, doors slam and the cat is afraid of something. I'm used to my mother. But recently, I started to see a shadow, and I realize it's not mother. I started to feel anxious. I started having dreams and realizing the future. But sometimes I think I'm going crazy. I shared my strong emotions with a friend, explaining that I had begun to feel a lot. And my friend (who is depressed) said: "That's great! I'm empty inside and I don't feel anything! You're not bored with your emotions! And I cheered up. I started listening to myself. I am sure that spirits come to me, and I know a lot about the world now. But I'm afraid to tell everyone because they'll think I'm crazy. Lately I've started to read people's minds. But not all of them, but the ones who let me read them. Sometimes people think so loudly that they disturb me with their thoughts. I anticipate there won't be many comments, but I'm still glad I at least posted here.