It's been about month now since I almost died. I tried to kill myself, I overdosed on my antidepressants medication. I don't really know what happened that day. The day was just like any other ordinary days I woke and went to school then I started feeling the darkness a cloud of anxiety, nervousness, negative thoughts , overwhelming sadness and loneliness. I Tried to put on a smile around my friends but I could feel that I was losing it. The whole day and even on my way home but I could feel the cracks showing and my intrusive thoughts were just screaming at me . When I reached home I just wanted it to just stop, I was really exhausted and I just wanted a breather so I took my medication. I usually take one at night before I sleep. But I could take it any more I was tired I thought that the medice would make me feel better ,so I took one then 2 then 3 but didn't work so I kept adding one more , more and more but nothing changed , until I finished a whole months supply. After a few minutes that's when it hit me , I felt my body suddenly became so heavy I was lying on the floor of my bedroom floor. I struggled to get my self onto my bed . I struggled to keep my eyes open, I struggled to hold on as much as I can. I remember how scared I felt at that moment scared of closing my eyes. I don't when I let go ,one moment am thinking and the next nothingness no dream no thoughts, absolutely nothingness . I don't know how long I was out but when I come too the next day my parents were sitting next to me calling my name. Apparently they tried calling me multiple times a few hours later I didn't pick up they tried to wake me up but I was unresponsive they rushed me the ER . They say I was lucky but the truth is I don't feel lucky. Everseens I can't seem to get my self to fall asleep I am afraid of closing my eyes I can't sleep I have gone days without sleep and everytime I manage to sleep the nightmares come It's am dying over and over again and I can't help think that I should have died that day. I never told my friends anything. I went to school a day after that I put on me smile atleast I tried to and went on with my day . I would like to say that this was my first suicidal attempt but just one of many am covered with scars I hide I study medicine so I have gotten good at treating my wonds I inflected on my self barely leaving any visible scars a hell of my own design,, Huh! Poetic isn't it? I have been trying to not fight this battle and not give up today is day 30 so yeeeeea🎉🎉👏🎂 .I guess.............am getting really exhausted am tired I don't want to do this anymore the darkness is getting harder to see through I can feel myself slipping.

My parrot suddenly died a week ago. Now I want to get another pet to replace my friend, yet I feel so weak. Losing them feels like losing family, even if it’s a parrot, or a hamster! On the other hand, there’s nothing like coming home and having someone waiting for you, always happy to see you, just to cuddle, sit on your shoulder, or beg for food. Our relationships with animals aren’t the same as with human friends. There’s no financial interest or intellectual aspect to it. Pets love us unconditionally, like children love their parents. We don’t have to pretend around them, we can be ourselves in our purest, most naked form. Vulnerable and sincere. When they leave us, it’s impossible to replace that void with anything; there’s nothing like it. The free and perfect love and joy pets bring us goes straight to the heart. Their only goal is to please us, to comfort in their awkward ways. They want very little and give much more.

I had a golden retriever for 9 years (before I got a parrot). She helped me through a lot of difficult times in my life. We moved from city to city, we went hiking together, she was always with me. I adopted a parrot weeks after her death and felt guilty about it for a long time. I physically needed to have a “replacement” in my home, I didn’t find the courage to adopt another dog. It felt almost like betraying my love for Romy.

And now I’m facing a similar situation. I’m not emotionally ready to have another pet, at the same time I hate waking up in an empty flat. Don’t know what to do. I can’t live without a pet, yet I can’t lose any more of my family members 😭

So I’ve never been diagnosed with any mental state like depression, anxiety – nothing of the sort. But my wife recently warned me that I’m inclined to always think negatively and dread the worst. I didn’t even notice it before she highlighted it. It burns me, and I’d say it hits me out of nowhere numerous times a day. For example, today I was jogging before work and my boss called me. Instantly, before I even took up the phone, I thought that something must be wrong with our infrastructure. But he only reminded me of a small task I needed to do. Phew! All the joy from my morning workout was wiped out.

Or another example. My parents were about to visit us. They were driving from another state, and they were two hours late. We couldn’t get through to them. It was a stormy evening, and immediately I began to worry something bad might have happened on the road. I sent them 20 messages and kept calling, though they were unavailable. My wife comforted me as best she could. My parents arrived safe and sound, their phone batteries had died simultaneously, and they couldn't warn us. Besides, they didn’t even think I’d be so worried since we were waiting for them at home and had no other plans. But my destructive thoughts had spiraled out of control, and by the time my parents arrived, I’d emptied a whole bottle of wine.

It feels like my brain jumps from worry to worry and fixates on the bad. How to slow down that train of thought or stop it? I have an appointment with a psychologist on the 27th. My wife insisted.. In the meantime, I thought I’d do my own research.

I don’t crave alcohol, but whenever I drink I can’t stop and get drunk very quickly. I am an emotional person and I get so stressed at my work that I’m waiting for my weekends to lie low and do nothing. I have absolutely no desire or energy to go out. There’s always a bottle of wine and 2-3 beers in my fridge. I drink during lunch, then have some more at dinner, and by 6pm I’m out of my wits and just black out wherever I am. The worst nightmare happens in the morning, with debilitating hangover and depressive thoughts. I can’t drink on Sundays or I simply won’t be able to work the next day. So I just live through the day as best I can and tell myself this was the last time I’ve ruined it. After one or two days I’m back to normal and forget how bad I’d felt, and next weekend the cycle repeats.

This Saturday my mother arrived uninvited and found me puking on my sofa. I don’t quite remember the rest, but she stayed, and the next morning it got me. I felt so defeated and embarrassed. I was scared to talk to her. She looked so worried. She told me about the old guy I knew who had died two years ago, drank himself to death. I didn’t know him well and he was 63, but I felt sick to be compared to him. Am I that lost? My mother thinks I need help, she begged me to take a vacation and do something about it. I promised her to consider. I still feel terrible and barely cope with my work. Friday is approaching and for the first time I dread it. I don’t even enjoy drinking. I’ve become boring, lacking creativity, rarely meeting with friends, because I lack motivation to do so. I don’t know how I am going to break out of this cycle. I know I need to before I lose myself all together.