A lot of the time when we consume the content of people who publicise their journeys to recovery, we’re under the impression they’re “healed.” We believe they have everything together, life flows effortlessly for them and that their circumstances are perfect… but would you be surprised if I said that’s far from the truth?

As a content creator who documents bits and pieces of their recovery, I can tell you firsthand that most of us only share what we want being seen. We’ll post on the days we feel good; sharing vlogs of ourselves at the beach enjoying the sun or grabbing brunch at the new vegan restaurant that just opened up. But do you know what we WON’T upload? The bad days. Why? Because it “ruins” the aesthetic.

Nobody wants to hear about the meltdown we had over something trivial or the episode that was triggered by plans going south. 9 times out of 10, influencer or not, a person is likely to be shamed for venting on media; crying on camera as opposed to journaling or talking to a trusted friend.

However because I know this is a common thing among “recovery influencers” (I assume they’re categorised as), I personally share and talk about the “ugly” parts of recovering. Why? Because it’s easier said than done and everybody’s journey looks different. I want to provide a more authentic perspective and not the “everything is perfect” that’s constantly being fed.

Because the truth of the matter is even though I’m nearly 2 years into recovery and I rarely have bad days, not every day is good for me. There are days where I’m depressed, hurting, lonely and more. I have days where I’m not good to myself or others but that doesn’t take away from all I’ve achieved. The goal is progression, not perfection.

And if it’s the ugly parts of healing they won’t tell you about, it’s the part where you feel like you’re regressing. They won’t tell you about the stages of anger and grief you oscillate between or the periods of isolation you experience trying to better yourself. They don’t tell you about the people you lose as a result of seeking better or the pervasive loneliness that follows when having to be selective about your associates.

Healing looks different for everyone and there’s going to be “ugliness” to it, but that’s okay because it should be normalised. I’m currently experiencing one of the ugliest parts of healing because despite being eager to create a loving and nurturing relationship with others, I feel myself growing emotionally reserved every day. It hurts but I’m doing my best to remain open. It’s difficult for me as someone still overcoming hyper independence and avoidant tendencies, but I know it can be done.

Even with the feelings of loneliness, depression and anxiety weighing heavy in my chest, I’m going to do my best to remain kind in my interactions. I’m quite frankly exhausted from everything but I’m dedicated to my recovery so I’ll bare the exhaustion as long as necessary.

A few months ago my conceiver sprung on me that we may have to take care of a distant relative and she’s calling me “selfish” for being upset about it.

For a little bit of background and context, I don’t have a good relationship with ANY of my relatives and consider myself estranged. At my earliest convenience I intend to go no contact because they’re everything from abusive to racist, shallow and self-centred, narcissistic and mentally/emotionally unsafe to be around. The only relatives I have contact with are immediate; the woman who birthed me, an older sibling, and 2 nieces and a nephew. Besides my conceiver, I keep VERY minimal contact with my older sibling and his kids, though I try to be more cordial and open with them.

The relative in question is a young girl who I believe to be no older than 10 but is a child of my conceiver’s brother. My conceiver’s brother is an abuser. A CRIMINAL with a record of repeated offences; everything from robbery, battery, assault, substance use/distribution and domestic violence. He has WELL over 10 kids, all with different women because he’s a deadbeat recidivist and has no intention of being there for any of the families he’s started. In the past he’s lived on and off with me and my conceiver which frequently resulted in fights; either between him and his partners or him and my conceiver. It’s gotten so bad that the cops had to be called multiple times.

Because he’s refusing to claim his daughter and her mother was sexually abusing her, her mother also being a drug addict and refusing to claim her, the system she’s in is looking to have relatives take custody of her. Unfortunately none of my other relatives can (or want to) and my conceiver has decided to make us carry the burden, and it bothers me.

It upsets me because while I empathise with her situation, we aren’t in a position to take care of another person when we can barely take care of ourselves. We don’t live in a safe neighbourhood, we’re in the process of filing an EOP against our neighbour who’s been threatening/harassing us for YEARS, and I’m STILL dealing with stalkers after being doxxed on social media 2 years ago. Additionally, me and my conceiver work full time and won’t be able to supervise her. Understandably she has additional accommodations because of her trauma which isn’t an issue, at least not for me since I’m in therapy and overcoming my own issues, but the other issue is I’m in the process of receiving gender affirming care (GAC) and will undergo surgery soon. I’m looking for someone to take care of me myself because I’ll be immobile and unable to work and I don’t trust my abusive conceiver to.

Overall, I’m not upset at the girl but my conceiver because she’s taking on more than she can handle and it’s going to impact me in ways I refuse to allow. My conceiver is conscious of all of this yet she’s still pushing to take custody. It also pisses me off because she’s not someone you can safely be vulnerable around and I fear she’s going to worsen both me and this girl’s mental health. And at the risk of sounding selfish, I’m not putting anything I’ve planned on hold to accommodate an issue my conceiver unnecessarily created. I know that’s going to create conflict but I don’t care, she knows it’s unsafe to bring this poor child into our living situation but she’s doing it because we’re relatives. Respectfully, it’s not our burden to shoulder and re-traumatising her isn’t worth it!

If I tell a person things aren’t going to work and revoke communication access, that doesn’t require a response nor is it an invitation for them to attempt convincing me otherwise. I’m politely informing them because I’m anticipating a high probability of conflict if we remain in contact and with wanting to save everyone’s time and preserve my mental/emotional wellbeing, I’ll remove myself before it gets to that extent. Stopping cycles before they start essentially. Due to past experiences I developed pattern recognition and thanks to therapy, I’ve enhanced that skill.

I don’t believe in ghosting because unless the person is an active threat to me or my loved ones, I have enough communication skills to vocalise my thoughts, feelings and opinions regardless of if they’re disagreed with. However, if someone decides to be pervasive and incessantly attempts to contact me post disassociation, I won’t respond but WILL start building a case. If I (or ANYONE) chooses not to pursue something with another, that should be respected at face value. Harassing an individual into responding is CRAZY work, and gives me the impression you’re mentally unwell. In my case, I WILL file a protective order if it reaches that extent.

No response is a response.

I have no interest in keeping contact with former friends, acquaintances, colleagues, romantic partners or anyone it feels as if I’ve outgrown. If I’ve cut contact for reasons related to repeated violation of boundaries or respect, LEAVE me alone. I’m very transparent about what I will and won’t tolerate in the relationships I build so if you make it a point to show you’re disinterested in cultivating genuine connections, cool. I’ll cut you off and keep it moving. I’m not going to argue or antagonise anyone for their inability to meet bare minimum expectations and to respect me as a person.

Now I can’t tell if this is the universe testing me or not, but over the past week I’ve had an influx of former romantic entanglements reach out hoping to rekindle, all to be ignored or blocked. I’ve learned my lesson and I’m not looking to entrap myself in trauma bonds or toxic cycles. But for some reason they think my lack of response means to “try harder.” I very genuinely don’t understand people like this but they’re annoying. You made your bed now lie in it and leave me the fuck alone.

Saw that there is help on the platform. I want to share and ask for advice. I'm young, I work remotely, in programming. I develop in quite complex projects, and I like it. Previously, I have only once worked for hire and I was left with the most unpleasant feelings. My boss always yelled at me regardless of whether I was doing a good job or not. We have an order, he yells "hurry up," "redo it." Even when our foreign partners were happy with me, my boss would yell "they praise me out of politeness...you're a lowlife who can't do anything". I was shaking at home every day and at some point I told myself "enough is enough". I quit that company. By the way, it didn't retain any employees and I don't even know who the boss worked with now. When I was leaving, the boss shouted at me, "You're nothing! Go! Who needs you! You're not capable of anything!". I started working for myself. I had a problem from my old job: as soon as I get an order, I start to shake internally. I'm afraid of failing, but I know exactly how to do the job. I endlessly improve the project, and the thought that I won't meet the deadline gives me the shakes. The anxiety is so intense that I can't work and of course deadlines pass. I start working night and day to make it. Finally exhausted, I finally hand over the work to the customer. The customer is satisfied. And I am exhausted, and I get away from the order for a week, I can not work. I want to work normally.