If I tell a person things aren’t going to work and revoke communication access, that doesn’t require a response nor is it an invitation for them to attempt convincing me otherwise. I’m politely informing them because I’m anticipating a high probability of conflict if we remain in contact and with wanting to save everyone’s time and preserve my mental/emotional wellbeing, I’ll remove myself before it gets to that extent. Stopping cycles before they start essentially. Due to past experiences I developed pattern recognition and thanks to therapy, I’ve enhanced that skill.
I don’t believe in ghosting because unless the person is an active threat to me or my loved ones, I have enough communication skills to vocalise my thoughts, feelings and opinions regardless of if they’re disagreed with. However, if someone decides to be pervasive and incessantly attempts to contact me post disassociation, I won’t respond but WILL start building a case. If I (or ANYONE) chooses not to pursue something with another, that should be respected at face value. Harassing an individual into responding is CRAZY work, and gives me the impression you’re mentally unwell. In my case, I WILL file a protective order if it reaches that extent.
No response is a response.
I have no interest in keeping contact with former friends, acquaintances, colleagues, romantic partners or anyone it feels as if I’ve outgrown. If I’ve cut contact for reasons related to repeated violation of boundaries or respect, LEAVE me alone. I’m very transparent about what I will and won’t tolerate in the relationships I build so if you make it a point to show you’re disinterested in cultivating genuine connections, cool. I’ll cut you off and keep it moving. I’m not going to argue or antagonise anyone for their inability to meet bare minimum expectations and to respect me as a person.
Now I can’t tell if this is the universe testing me or not, but over the past week I’ve had an influx of former romantic entanglements reach out hoping to rekindle, all to be ignored or blocked. I’ve learned my lesson and I’m not looking to entrap myself in trauma bonds or toxic cycles. But for some reason they think my lack of response means to “try harder.” I very genuinely don’t understand people like this but they’re annoying. You made your bed now lie in it and leave me the fuck alone.
I completely support your approach to protecting your energy and mental space. It's crucial to recognize that not every relationship deserves a second chance, especially when clear boundaries have been violated. Your ability to identify patterns and remove yourself from potentially toxic situations shows remarkable self-awareness. The fact that you communicate your decisions rather than ghosting demonstrates emotional maturity
@Kevin Sand I do my best to extend grace and exercise understanding because I never want to assume someone is purposefully being malicious, however even if it is unconscious I’m at a point where that’s enough for me to disassociate because who wants to be in contact with someone who’s unknowingly toxic?
A person truly has one time to violate my boundaries or show they’re disingenuous about our association. Some things I can be flexible with but others such as human decency, common sense and integrity? Absolutely not. Immediate block.
I feel this in my SOUL! 🙌 Had an ex who kept trying to slide back into my DMs for months.
Like, take the hint already! You're absolutely right about building a case, documentation is key. The whole "try harder" mentality when someone says no is straight up toxic. Stay strong and keep those boundaries solid! 💪
@Maya_Thompson I hope your ex eventually got the hint and left you alone, it’s frustrating to be on the receiving end of someone not only lacking self awareness but failing to understand blatant disinterest.
Regardless, one time is all a person has and they’re done. I’m not going back and forth with anyone, especially if they make it apparent their only intention is to bring me out of my character.
@Mitchel yeah, he did, thankfully, and you're right. second chances are honestly overrated, and I hate that whole culture of forgiveness. it's not obligatory, but a lot of people these days think it is
I think I need to implement this more in my life as I struggle with people walking all over me, and me saying thanks in the end lol
@HealthyMindset It’s honestly easier said than done and requires a lot of practice so be patient with yourself in the process. I recently heard someone say, “If you don’t intend to enforce a consequence once a boundary is violated then don’t set the boundary at all.”
It stuck with me because even as someone who has boundaries and is more than ready to enforce consequence, it’s something I can share with other people for them to further reflect on how they’ll go about creating and establishing boundaries.
@Mitchel Yeah, practice and patience that' what I lack definitely, and I'm really bad at keeping people accountable, though I understand that I need to do this for myself. Some people don't deserve the kindness that I give.
@sylvia I get you, friend, but we have to push forward no matter what. People are jerks sometimes, but what matters is how you treat yourself. Yeah, right now we cannot really say no, or walk away, but we get there. We just need to build that should love, you know?
@HealthyMindset I get you so much, it feels like I'll never get there, I try so many times though
Reading this was like finding the words I've been searching for! Your perspective on maintaining boundaries is so refreshing and empowering. I've recently started implementing similar boundaries in my life, and while it's challenging, it's so worth it.
And a lot of my friends and relatives have been kind of understanding about all of this, but there are some who choose to ignore them, unfortunately.
The documentation tip is golden, I wish I'd known this earlier! But I'm glad that now I do!
@Patricia Thomas Setting boundaries is a lot easier said than done but practice makes progress and that’s all that matters. With some things I’m willing to be flexible but others? Not so much. I’m not going to teach another grown adult how to respect me as a person because that’s human decency, and my personal belief is if I (or anyone) has to teach someone how to exercise EMPATHY or to have HUMANITY, I want nothing to do with you. It’s already unfortunate that common sense isn’t so common anymore but people really feel entitled to disrespect you and have the audacity to dictate how you respond to it. Absolutely not.
Regarding documentation, after experiencing so many issues with former friends, partners and colleagues doing abhorrent shit to me then playing victim once I came out about it, I’ve learned to silently notate the interactions so when I’d disassociate, there’s no confusion about what REALLY transpired. I no longer ignore the first red flag because it’s always ended in me having to file protective orders and I’m over it.
However I’m glad that you do have people who are mostly understanding and supportive of you setting boundaries, it’s truly a blessing to have a support system that sincerely valued you as a person and doesn’t misinterpret your boundaries as something they aren’t.
Your approach to communication before cutting contact is really mature. I'm doing similar in my own life. The peace that comes with maintaining strong boundaries is unmatched I hope you continue to prioritize yourself this way 💕
@dolores24712 The same way I’d want someone to respect me enough to communicate, I do my best to exercise that same courtesy. Unless a person shows they’re unsafe to communicate with, it takes 2 minutes to let them know.
@Mitchel that's wise! love that approach. Sometimes I can forget that the most important person in my life is me and I need to take care of myself first, but you just reminded me, thank you. hope you're doing alright 💕
Absolutely spot on
walking away is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves
Taking control of our social circle is empowering. Moving forward positively is the best path there is to be honest
@sarabutler4537 Recently, I walked away from a friend of mine who was letting me down all the time, and I felt so weird and guilt until I stumbled across this thread, is thank you really!