My mother uses it to control me even more. I'm in my senior year of high school, and mom doesn’t want me to go to college.

She has changed so much since she became religious. it used to be sad before, after dad left us... Now it’s horrible. She cried a lot, now all she does is praying and fasting. Most nights she confiscates my phone and if she imagines that I’ve smoked or if i come home two minutes later, she cuts my internet too. I often have to finish my homework in the bathroom at school before classes. I never expected I would have a life like this when we moved here... I wish we could go somewhere else, to a larger city where there are more normal people. I have to sneak food into my room cause apparently religion is against snacks or something (I’m not allowed to eat at Mcdonalds cause unhealthy)... every day I’m shamed for eating too much, my own mother calls me fat and says no woman will like me like that. She forbids me to talk to father and reads all my messages on the phone. I had to hide a Christmas present he sent me, but she suspected and grounded me for a week. My friends at school think I’m a crank cause I never go to parties with them, and I haven’t watched half of the movies they talk about. Mom bans me from watching “gory” things. I feel like being sheltered from life! it’s insane, my friend said my mom is being brainwashed... She calls me a sinner whenever I try to argue with her. I want to go to a normal college, not a religious one. How does one stay strong through this?

By all accords I'm having a terrific life. A model student since kindergarten all the way to campus. I got my dream course (mechanical Engineering) and I'm involved in quite a number of engineering projects.

My mother a single mom, singlehandedly raised my brother and I with a little help from relatives. She is really gaining on me making a great career out of my life. And by all markers, I'm almost there.

However, from an early age I've always wanted to be a girl. For so long I dismissed it as fantasy, until I broke down last semester. I couldn't study. I missed classes and a CAT. All I could think of was my gender dysphoria. How badly I wanted to be feminine and how impossible it was on all levels. Living in Kenya, social transition was several magnitudes scarier. I fear strangers. I fear I might loose friends and family. I fear disappointing my mother and giving her heartache. She's a very conservative christian. I wouldn't want to betray her investment. I tried getting in touch with LGBTQ organizations but only two seem to be active and to date I'm yet to get any meaningful help. I've thought of transition medically in secret through hrt, but our medical system does not recognize trans people and there's virtually no way of accessing the medication. Even if I could, I doubt I'd afford them . It seems like all paths are closed. And yet, I'm here. With another break down. Unable to move forward till I did something about my dysphoria. To me the future seems bleak. All roads leading to my ultimate suffering, as I suffer now. I think of death sometimes but I wouldn't say I'm suicidal.

After every conflict or argumrnt my boyfriend tends to give me silent treatment and not contact me and acting like he is ending our relationship; if the argument is started by me then its my mistake to bring out the problem and if the argument is started bt him then again its my mistake that i did something for him to complain.

he is always right and he says i act like this..

from past manyyy arguments i break silence and text him first.

Beacause you forget ego when you are hurting.

now, i am done eith this i want to seee how granted i am taken…

if i wont go; will it really end? Will he never initiate to solve problem? Will he blame me for not coming…

Where to start. Is it worth or not. But yes I'm suffering, suffering alot. I came long way but going back slowly and painfully. Actually, people around me doesn't understand. I'm married a year ago. It's gonna worse to handle by myself. Husband knew everything. He is consulting doctor. I'm on medication. Today doctor said you have to do something for yourself. Otherwise you will have take these for time. They are for support, not for cure. My husband said, Do whatever makes you happy. I felt tired after office so you should take care of yourself. I had to refreshed my mind.

Means, he has found his happiness by himself. He keeps using phone and laughing like an idiot. But I want him. I want him to laugh with me. He is not the reason of my anxiety. Is it too much I'm asking for?