Hello my name is KJ and my birthgiver will go by the name of George for this.. So here is some background information…

I’m 27 years old and George is 56 years old. I have lived my entire life with George and her parents (my nana and papa). At the age of 14 I met this young man who was 13 years old at the time and in a horrible situation… it ended up working out that it was best that this young man came and lived with us. Once this young man was 19 years old; he decided to inform/ask if he could be in a relationship with George. For the last 8 years George and this young man have been together and now are planning their marriage. Their wedding day is coming up in 3 weeks. Also for background purposes I would like to stat that this young man was my boyfriend at one time when we first met and he is the man that abused me for years while he was still in his teenage years.

So, this last Friday afternoon George took me for lunch and we had a conversation about our relationship going forward. I stated some things about my past and she did apologize for some things and just that was so overwhelming. Than we got onto the topic of how I pushed George away for years and she finally admitted that she gave up on me. That’s where things fell awkward and we finished up lunch and left. Saturday I just simply took the day to process and reflected on what was said on Friday at our lunch. Sunday I finally decided that I was going to message George. I send this… “Mom, as I've been reflecting on our conversation from Friday at lunch, I feel it's important for our relationship to progress slowly from this point forward. I believe it's crucial for you to start your own healing journey by seeking help from a licensed therapist specializing in trauma therapy. You deserve to heal from your childhood wounds and gain insight into mental health to better support yourself and others. I love you deeply, and you'll always be my mom, but I refuse to let negativity control our relationship. I want to build a strong connection with you, but it's your actions and reactions that will shape our future together. If you have any feedback or thoughts, please feel free to share them with me. Our relationship isn't about anyone else but us, though I'll respect your wishes regarding Nana as she does live under your roof. Let's work towards a healthier, happier bond together.” This led to an entire conversation about how I should have known her schedule and I should have chosen a better time to have this conversation… now keep in mind that I sent that message at 4:50pm and I do know that at that time it is dinner time there so I wasn’t expecting a response right away. I stated that I am not in control of her actions and she simply could have said that she was busy and that she would message me when she isn’t busy. At this point George proceeded to say that I would have guilted her or something… our conversation turned into how she doesn’t respect my boundaries and how I wish her to seek professional help from a licensed therapist who specializes in trauma work… George seemed to get really upset with that request… which led to her saying that she doesn’t believe in any of my mental diagnoses and such … finally our conversation finished with George telling me that I should look into my own personal records… so now I’m unsure what to do; I don’t know what else to say to George… does anyone have any advice or suggestions?

i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.

it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.

i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.

it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.

everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.

the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.

the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.

i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.

idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.

after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do

but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.

first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.

when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.

in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.

i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.

people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?

but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???

or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.

i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.

tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.

what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.

i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?

It's been about month now since I almost died. I tried to kill myself, I overdosed on my antidepressants medication. I don't really know what happened that day. The day was just like any other ordinary days I woke and went to school then I started feeling the darkness a cloud of anxiety, nervousness, negative thoughts , overwhelming sadness and loneliness. I Tried to put on a smile around my friends but I could feel that I was losing it. The whole day and even on my way home but I could feel the cracks showing and my intrusive thoughts were just screaming at me . When I reached home I just wanted it to just stop, I was really exhausted and I just wanted a breather so I took my medication. I usually take one at night before I sleep. But I could take it any more I was tired I thought that the medice would make me feel better ,so I took one then 2 then 3 but didn't work so I kept adding one more , more and more but nothing changed , until I finished a whole months supply. After a few minutes that's when it hit me , I felt my body suddenly became so heavy I was lying on the floor of my bedroom floor. I struggled to get my self onto my bed . I struggled to keep my eyes open, I struggled to hold on as much as I can. I remember how scared I felt at that moment scared of closing my eyes. I don't when I let go ,one moment am thinking and the next nothingness no dream no thoughts, absolutely nothingness . I don't know how long I was out but when I come too the next day my parents were sitting next to me calling my name. Apparently they tried calling me multiple times a few hours later I didn't pick up they tried to wake me up but I was unresponsive they rushed me the ER . They say I was lucky but the truth is I don't feel lucky. Everseens I can't seem to get my self to fall asleep I am afraid of closing my eyes I can't sleep I have gone days without sleep and everytime I manage to sleep the nightmares come It's am dying over and over again and I can't help think that I should have died that day. I never told my friends anything. I went to school a day after that I put on me smile atleast I tried to and went on with my day . I would like to say that this was my first suicidal attempt but just one of many am covered with scars I hide I study medicine so I have gotten good at treating my wonds I inflected on my self barely leaving any visible scars a hell of my own design,, Huh! Poetic isn't it? I have been trying to not fight this battle and not give up today is day 30 so yeeeeea🎉🎉👏🎂 .I guess.............am getting really exhausted am tired I don't want to do this anymore the darkness is getting harder to see through I can feel myself slipping.

TL;DR : I have trauma but i am the only one who can support my family, my family have problem with each other, my 2 brothers is unemployed at age 35 and my parents want them to look for a job. I need suggestion about path that i choose, do i ask my 2 brother to left house to gamble if they can look for a job, if fail then it will worsen my mother health. do i stay home but it will eat up my mental health and worsen my trauma? or should i go on a journey and left everything behind?

First thing first, let me introduce my family. me male 21 yo, have 3 brothers (35 yo male, 35 yo male, 40+ yo male), my mother is 59+ yo and my father is 65+ yo. Lets start off from me, I am a final year university student pursuing IT bachelor degree. I have a job with average salary, and have 2 another side job that didn't really pay much. fortunatelly my job is online (IT job and teaching assistant). I have my own share of physical and verbal traume from elementary to high school, from being gank up and beaten up by lot of students, one school and the teachers avoid me because i am "different" and others. Of course i still got the side effect from it, like chest pain, severe anxiety, severe shaking, etc, but i have been having this side effect too long and now i am kinda can hold it off (but not too long).

for my father, he has some dark past like gambling, leaving my mother and my brothers, etc (I only heard the story from my mother and my brothers). but recently my father is kinda responsible and want to fix things up, problem is he still have some pride, and doesnt want to show that he is sorry up front by saying it but only want to do it through his action like helping around.

My mother, supposedly traumatized by my father past, she really hate him. recently my mother always starting up fight because he suspect my father do some stuff and always reminding my father about his past, of course my father denied it. I dont know who to believe honestly, but what i know from my own analyzing is both of them is right and wrong. but my mother is having bad though about my father so she always starting up fight over small problem, though my father isn't so innocent because he sometime hide stuff to buy smoke. honestly i dont know which side is right.

now for my oldest brother, he is the sole income of our family. my father is retired and having lot of debts from the past, so my brother always fill up the money problem. sadly recently my oldest brother got cancer, after 2 years fighting it, he is dead. the last year of his medication, i was helping him plus giving economy support from my recent job. To the point i need to lent some money from credit card, but its not so much (max is my 1-2 months salary) so yeah i can recover. Note that at this point i still fresh learning about my job and i must do my own thesis, and luckily my team for thesis have their own share of problem (my teammate is gone, i cant contact them). so me helping my brother can be said because i cant go on for my thesis because i cant fill my team task. after my brother died, i can contact 1 of my friend (from 2) and he agreed to help but still has its own problem. after some months gone i finally can finish my thesis and in february i will be graduating. The way to finish my thesis is really though, i must babysit my friend so he doesn't give up and left again. Okay back to my oldest brother, because he is gone now i must be the one who will be the sole income of my family. such irony tho, i just got some job and i must help my brother medication then i must support my family.

now for my 2 brothers who is twin, they are 35 yo and they are unemployed with 0 experience. At this day in my country it is impossible to look for a job, and dont start recommending me to ask them to start their own job because they have pride and dont want to do low people job. i tried to tell them but always failed because i am the youngest and i cant handle conflict too much (side effect of my trauma and past). my parents is ashamed because of this and want me to help them look for a job, and its freaking impossible because i cant order them, i only can give them some pointer and THEY DIDN'T DO IT PROPERLY, THEY ONLY DO IT SO THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ARE TRYING. There is no fking way they will get a job with their attitude, their criteria, and especially their 0 skill and experience.

My mother gotten really sick these past months, especially after my oldest brother dying. my 2 brothers not having a job been a problem to my parents because my parents is ashamed, plus the impact of my oldest brother dying. Now that i almost finished my study, i have path that i must choose. before that let me explain the relationship between my family, lets split my 2 brothers into A and B. so my mother is having a bad relationship with my father and she said herself that she cant live with my father alone. My father is having bad relationship with A because some religious stuff, A and B have problem with each other, and i have problem with B because my brother frame me of something i didnt do, at first i didnt do anything because of i dont want to cause a scene in front of my parents but after that i got the after effect of it by having bad dream about it (everyone know tho if B is framing me, they didnt help me because B is really hysterical and its easier if i back down). do note tho i dont really have good relationship with A.

Now for a path i can choose, or maybe the path that i can think right now :

1. Act as a Villain, ask both of my brother to leave or i dont support the economy. doing so will gamble if my brother left the house then they will be forced to look for a job, or if they fail then it will worsen my mother health. I can try to cover it up, but i dont know how far i can cover it up.
2. Stay home, do nothing, only interfere when conflict happenning or try to do something? i dont know. One thing i know that it will eat my personality, my mental health, i must act as a saint and let my brothers bully me so he wont become hysteric.
3. Left house, goes on journey to cure my trauma. problem is i only have limited money, i dont know if i have enough money to go on journey, cure myself up, plus supporting my family. And i dont know what happen if i left my family alone.

I know i left lot out detail in here, feel free to ask if you want and i will try to answer. Looking forward to any suggestion, Thanks!