I'mfrustrated what lies ahead

By all accords I'm having a terrific life. A model student since kindergarten all the way to campus. I got my dream course (mechanical Engineering) and I'm involved in quite a number of engineering projects.

My mother a single mom, singlehandedly raised my brother and I with a little help from relatives. She is really gaining on me making a great career out of my life. And by all markers, I'm almost there.

However, from an early age I've always wanted to be a girl. For so long I dismissed it as fantasy, until I broke down last semester. I couldn't study. I missed classes and a CAT. All I could think of was my gender dysphoria. How badly I wanted to be feminine and how impossible it was on all levels. Living in Kenya, social transition was several magnitudes scarier. I fear strangers. I fear I might loose friends and family. I fear disappointing my mother and giving her heartache. She's a very conservative christian. I wouldn't want to betray her investment. I tried getting in touch with LGBTQ organizations but only two seem to be active and to date I'm yet to get any meaningful help. I've thought of transition medically in secret through hrt, but our medical system does not recognize trans people and there's virtually no way of accessing the medication. Even if I could, I doubt I'd afford them . It seems like all paths are closed. And yet, I'm here. With another break down. Unable to move forward till I did something about my dysphoria. To me the future seems bleak. All roads leading to my ultimate suffering, as I suffer now. I think of death sometimes but I wouldn't say I'm suicidal.