I feel like everyone has money but me. I'm 17 years old, and it feels like my life is already over. Everywhere I look, people have everything they want … their new clothes, gadgets, dream vacations. Meanwhile, I can barely afford to buy lunch lmao ... It’s so depressing. My parents aren't rich. In fact, we're quite poor. I see my friends getting new stuff all the time, and it just makes me feel worse. They don't have to worry about anything, and I'm stuck worrying about everything. Sometimes, I just want to scream. Why is life so unfair? Why do I have to struggle while others get everything handed to them? It feels like I'm never going to get out of poverty. I try to stay positive, but it's so hard. I feel like I'm drowning. Every day is a constant reminder of what I don't have. No one understands what I'm going through.

I hate feeling this way. I want to have a better life, but it seems impossible. Every time I think I might catch a break, something else goes wrong and we need money we don’t have. It’s like life is playing a cruel joke on me. I wish my parents had more money. I wish I didn't have to worry about every little thing.

I love my mother, I really do. But, she is never there and we don't even leave together.

With no explanation I went to leave with my aunt when I was 15years. But, basically I have been moved from different households amongst her siblings. Which has left me feeling isolated, different and in a way like I do not belong.

I understand all the work she had to put in, in raising me on her own. How hard and lonely it might had been for her. But, she barricaded herself in work until we lost touch. Making matters worse, I kinda work for her, so the only thing we talk about is work or the different ministers she'd like for me to watch on telly.

I wish that she would love me, hug me and just be a mother to me. I try to hug but she pushes me away. She doesn't even like it when I visit her. Once I visited her and she never even spoke to me. Yet, I keep on trying but every time I visit her I end up feeling worse than I felt before visiting her.

We have lost touch.

She wanted to be a nun before having me, knowing this, makes me feel like I am a mistake. But, I console myself with the fact that God had a plan for me before she conceived me.

I mentioned that I kinda work for her this is due to the fact that I work but don't get paid because she claims that she doesn't have the money to pay me, despite that all the other employees under her get paid.

She also yells at me, discourages me and from I started existing has never cared about what goes on with my life.

But, I still do love her and wish that we would live together.

Idk how I start I'm just confused with everything right now what is good what is bad everything is messed in itself. There is only peer and pressure in all kind of works I do here specially my school is going to reopen which depressing me somewhere inside. I have bad childhood experiences in school and it goes now to because of bad environment such as toxic environment and bully. I suffer from severe loniness there and pass a single second in fear and wait that when it will end. After walking miles in sun with like 30 to 40 pounds of bag I reach home and here already abusive environment be there. In the name of motivation I get motivated like if in life I didn't achieved anything good in coming 4 to 6 years then I'm failure and I'll be of no where. Homework pressure is already there specially on me because i maintain the profile of good student in school so all works on time is most important there. Other hand my maths weak so daily hours of practise and extra maths classes make all more worse to manage time. I know right now I'm feeling cry to write this all because how much I'm writing vs how much things are going in my mind is not possible to frame in words. Everyone say I'm good girl because of being that good girl all the time I've lossed myself. Somehow I daily wake up and wait to go on bed again. Best memories of life is coming which making me more cry..

My whole head is paining dancing as hell. After that when I share about little bit about myself so they all expect me to be calm silent and meditate. That makes me more cry to realise that no one is really able to understand me because things would be that easy then I would have done already my bestest. In 24 hrs i somehow manage to get 4 to 5 hrs sleep on a day rest time goes in school then extra works of school and extra classes at last I don't get time to open books to do self study and parents who keep heavy expecations that I do self study for hours. Due to walking that much my body be already tired mentally I already be absent somehow physically I wake up forcefully for 7 to 8 hours to manage all after doing that much I get to listen hardwork I never do, effort only I never apply instead energy is needed for every single activity and my Energy dies then to I forcefully go hard on self because that be only 1 and last option to do so and handle somehow. Strange grief anixety tension and stress is bounding me right now without any reason sometimes I cry sometimes I feel like what happened to me that I'm crying as hell. Everyone keeps over heavy expecations from me. Life I living like a fish is trying to climb a tree instead of swimming in water. Most of time I be alone because no one talks to me or can be said my life is more like an orphan or worse than a orphan. Focusing on self, focusing on situations and unexpected outcomes breaks me more.when I sit to meditate then ptsd and whole stress starts popping mind and I not be able to do so for long. Life is busy as hell. Saving time to do anything extra is not possible in my case.

I recently started therapy, the issue is that my mom and dad both know I am a trans girl, they got me therapy for dysorphia and apparently besides that I was also diagnosed with ptsd, makes sense, they are my adoptive parents anyways, they are actually my uncle and auntie, but they won’t let me dress like a girl or have makeup or anything cuz of “how I would impact my two infant siblings” ( one is 5 and the other is 3 years old). Just the other night I had a panic attack (* mind you I’m 14) because my mom looked through my Spotify and found an EXPLICiT songs (* mainly feminine rap abt like transphobic men and stuff) and she told me she was setting MORE restrictions! So I flipped out and started scratching myself, then my mom tried making me call the 988 hotline, (* which I’ve called so many times for attempted suicides) anyways I flipped out when she told my dad in the other room, I jumped up when he called me into his room telling me how he was going to kill my dog in front of me, and if I liked blood and hurting myself, he’d make me bleed so much I’d regret it *( by slapping me I guess idek). So i started just standing there while my mother pulled me away into the living room while my dad followed, he started calling me a bitch and saying I was selfish and ungrateful and yadadayda I kinda zoned out and started hyperventilating my mom was holding me down sitting on the coach, I was so scared cuz my dad is fucking HuGE. Anyways I thought I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE…. So jumped up while he’s cali g me slurs and stuff, but he grabs me and wraps his huge ass hairy arms around my neck choking me “ to restrain me” at this point I got tired and remembered many other incidents like this weren’t great, so instead of trying to run out of the house, I was set on using the kitchen knife to kill myself. After all I can’t start HRT cuz I’m only 14 in NM, and my therapist just wants to make plans and I can’t tell her anything cuz of some lease or something where they share my personal details with my parents. While this dude is choking me my siblings come out and are like (DEADNAME! ) stop hurting him! Yadadada and then I start clawing my dads arms cuz I can’t breathe ( it’s funny I still have my bruised ass sore neck) so I just give in hoping he kills me himself until my mom is like “TalK (DEADNAME) talk speak!” ( even tho it’s her dam fault in the first place) so he keeps saying he’s gonna kill my mom or beat her up or something idek, if I hurt myself ever again, but yea I’m getting worse by the minute and I can’t tell my therapist shit… wtf do I do? Mind you I’m not allowed to talk to my friends about this stuff, and my counselors and stuff are dumbasses and don’t even care. HELP