im a trans teen( out) and my parents arent helping or my therapist

I recently started therapy, the issue is that my mom and dad both know I am a trans girl, they got me therapy for dysorphia and apparently besides that I was also diagnosed with ptsd, makes sense, they are my adoptive parents anyways, they are actually my uncle and auntie, but they won’t let me dress like a girl or have makeup or anything cuz of “how I would impact my two infant siblings” ( one is 5 and the other is 3 years old). Just the other night I had a panic attack (* mind you I’m 14) because my mom looked through my Spotify and found an EXPLICiT songs (* mainly feminine rap abt like transphobic men and stuff) and she told me she was setting MORE restrictions! So I flipped out and started scratching myself, then my mom tried making me call the 988 hotline, (* which I’ve called so many times for attempted suicides) anyways I flipped out when she told my dad in the other room, I jumped up when he called me into his room telling me how he was going to kill my dog in front of me, and if I liked blood and hurting myself, he’d make me bleed so much I’d regret it *( by slapping me I guess idek). So i started just standing there while my mother pulled me away into the living room while my dad followed, he started calling me a bitch and saying I was selfish and ungrateful and yadadayda I kinda zoned out and started hyperventilating my mom was holding me down sitting on the coach, I was so scared cuz my dad is fucking HuGE. Anyways I thought I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE…. So jumped up while he’s cali g me slurs and stuff, but he grabs me and wraps his huge ass hairy arms around my neck choking me “ to restrain me” at this point I got tired and remembered many other incidents like this weren’t great, so instead of trying to run out of the house, I was set on using the kitchen knife to kill myself. After all I can’t start HRT cuz I’m only 14 in NM, and my therapist just wants to make plans and I can’t tell her anything cuz of some lease or something where they share my personal details with my parents. While this dude is choking me my siblings come out and are like (DEADNAME! ) stop hurting him! Yadadada and then I start clawing my dads arms cuz I can’t breathe ( it’s funny I still have my bruised ass sore neck) so I just give in hoping he kills me himself until my mom is like “TalK (DEADNAME) talk speak!” ( even tho it’s her dam fault in the first place) so he keeps saying he’s gonna kill my mom or beat her up or something idek, if I hurt myself ever again, but yea I’m getting worse by the minute and I can’t tell my therapist shit… wtf do I do? Mind you I’m not allowed to talk to my friends about this stuff, and my counselors and stuff are dumbasses and don’t even care. HELP