Hello. I’m a new member here and felt like venting lately, but unfortunately I have no one to talk to, no friends and family to speak out this stuff to. So… I’m hoping I can speak out my thoughts to strangers rather than tell anyone else in my life about my struggles. I feel they have enough on their minds to listen to my thoughts.
Lately I’ve been feeling really lonely and I’ve come to a realization that I’ve fucked up my life more than I want to admit. Things have been hard and I understand that every human being in this world has struggled at one point in their lives.
For context, I have had no one to talk to for atleast 5 years. Or rather, I had no friends and no social support at all. I had a family that talked to me about regular occurrences but other than that, I never told anyone anything that was on my mind or the troubles I felt. I was also diagnosed with persistent deppressive disorder, though I never really went through with my therapy and my mother refused to let me continue my medication. I was a shut in and isolated myself at home, though admittedly the pandemic made things even harder for me.
I’m also a loner and I hated school. And ever since quarantine stopped, I found myself going back to school face to face. I felt horrible about myself especially since I was the only one there without a friend. I sat at lunch alone and kept quiet most times. Unless I was needed, I rarely talked to my classmates. I realized now just how much harder being so isolated and being a social outcast is. I did everything alone and I wanted to stay that way. Whenever group projects and presentations came, I purposefully cut classes causing my grades to drop. I don’t even know if I could graduate at this point.
I kept thinking about killing myself most days. I feel so alone, like all this things I’m feeling is completely irrational and that nobody could ever understand me. Many times, I wonder if I’m merely overreacting. My family never really liked talking about mental disorders, my father always insulted us whenever we cried and my mother was a workaholic, never spending enough time with her children. My father was also a gambler and a sexist. He was always distant and rarely interacted with his children so I guess that’s one of the reasons why I could never talk to him and my family about anything.
Anyway, that’s everything I had to get out of my chest. I’m sorry for the long rant.
