Post
scarlet rose
1y ago

Is our friendship doomed?

I have a penpal friend from another country. We’ve been corresponding for about five years. He’s a single male, older than me, and has never been in a serious relationship. I very much enjoy our talks, we exchanged parcels by snail mail several times. I’m single too, and I’ve hinted many times that what we have online can become something more. He always said he wasn’t ready for online dating, that he didn’t believe long-distance relationships could work. But I’m very attached to him, we’re telling each other everything that happens in everyday life, all our sorrows and small moments.

As a “friend” I always told him to go out more often and look for his “offline girl”. I was sincerely trying to encourage him, for at times he sounds very depressed and lonely. But I was also teasing, for I had expected for a long time now that I liked him.

Now he suddenly tells me that he has started a relationship. I feel conflicted and a little bit betrayed. As a friend, I wish him well. And I think I’d like to keep in touch, he makes me smile, I feel that five years is a long time to just throw everything away. But I also can’t imagine myself reading about his new friend and feeling happy for them while I’m single. If not for the distance, I’d ask him to meet and tell him all that’s in my heart. I don’t want to do it via email or a video call. It would be very awkward.

What should I do?

Specialist answer
Veena Choudhary
1y
Specialist

Hi,


Answer these questions to help you get a clarity.


  • Do you see a future with him? like a relationship with commitment?


  • What is stopping you from expressing what are you feeling through email or video?


  • Why do you feel by email or video he wont understand what you feel? or do you feel you want to see him?


  • when you say he betrayed you? why do you say that because you have told he did not believe in long distance relationship nor was he ready for online dating.


  • When you were attached to him then why did you encourage him to go out often with offline girl?


  • Do you think you will be able to keep in touch with him as a friend?


  • Are you upset your single and he is in relationship or are you upset that you are not the person he is in relationship with?



now think about what do you think will make you happy? just do that so that you don't regret later.

copilot42
1y

If your penpal was always searching for an offline relationship and was vocal about it, you probably knew deep down that some day he might begin dating someone. The best option for you is to start paying attention to someone else, maybe someone close by, with whom you won’t need to communicate via snail mail but will be able to walk in the parks and daydream in the cinemas. You’ve got lots to give, and giving it to someone who wants it feels amazing!

marinavs
1y

Tell him the truth, as you did to us! If he’s a good friend for you, he’ll be gentle about your feelings and will appreciate your boldness. Even if the feeling is not mutual, you’ll get that off your plate and then think of what’s best for you.

sk
sky lark
1y

i wouldn’t want to be part of a love triangle. if you think you can’t overcome your attraction to your penpal, then you’re on the losing side. you’ll keep investing your time and energy into relationships that mean different things to him. why don’t you take a break in correspondence and see if what you’re feeling is that strong, or was it perhaps a habit of knowing someone nice and distant?

Th
TheFourthFox
1y

What are the chances that you’ll meet in real life? Count me reckless, but I’d just communicate in clear and unambiguous words what you feel for him and see what happens next. Will you regret it? Yes, you might. But I’d prefer to sort the feelings out and be done with it, rather than continue pretending to be friends and suffer for it.

steroidsjee
1y

Fight fire with fire! Find someone who’s madly in love with you, be happy and enjoy your life! As soon as you fall for someone else, you won’t think your online friendship is doomed. It simply won’t affect you, and you’ll decide what to do about it.

ch
ch00tah
1y

Long-distance relationships don’t work. Been there, am telling you from experience. Think about how many things you’re missing out on when you can’t be close to a person. Whatever you decide about your penpal friend, don’t forget about real romantic life.

pi
pipersun
1y

Call me selfish, but I’d try to keep your friendship if it makes you feel happy. At least as long as you’re single. I once told a friend that I had a crush on him, and it totally wrecked everything between us. If you realize that you can keep everything the way it used to be, then give yourself some time before answering and treat your correspondence as a source of pleasant emotions, but nothing more serious. Is it possible?

Gr
Greendays
1y

Friendship between men and women works only if it’s what both want. Real friendship is based on honesty and respect, so, however you look at it, you should be sincere with yout friend about your feelings.

scarlet rose
1y
Author

I told him.

I’ve sent him an email just now, telling that what I feel for him is more than friendship.

Thank you for your support and words of wisdom!

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