After a verbal altercation that nearly escalated to physical confrontation between me and one of my abusers, I’m facing the threat of homelessness. My abuser was “kind” enough to put a timeframe on when they intend to vacate me but my goal is to get away at my earliest convenience.
What makes navigating tricky is that the abuser in question is a relative, more specifically the woman who birthed me. From the age of 8 I’ve despised this woman and my disdain continues to grow for everything she put me through. And despite actively receiving professional help through therapy and other support resources, I have no intention of maintaining contact with her. I’m estranged from all of my relatives because they’re hateful, ignorant and overall toxic.
It’s because I grew up in the environment I did and seeing how the people surrounding me behaved I promised myself I’d be different. I said I’d break the cycle and meant it. And while I’m discontinuing generational curses, what comes with it is being the “black sheep”, but I’m okay with that. No part of me wants to rekindle anything with my relatives. I’ve already done enough soul-searching to know the second I’m able to go no contact, I’m leaping to take it.
If the worst case scenario comes to fruition, I want it known I gave it my all. Through evading abusive relatives, chronic health complications, recurring sexual assault, being stalked and domestic violence, I put my heart, being and spirit into everything I’ve done and regret nothing. I’ve always welcomed adversity that promotes growth and grinned in the face of uncertainty. My determination is unwavering because I know I’m the only person who has the power to change my circumstances. At this moment I feel lonely, isolated and overwhelmed without anyone outside my therapist and workshop I can safely confide in, but I’m also transforming this sadness into motivation because allowing grief to debilitate me won’t help.
Today, I woke up feeling refreshed after an 8hr rest. I took 15 minutes to clean my space, showered, and then cooked myself breakfast. I gradually worked through my self care routine and followed up with resources I researched and was referred. Before I left out for an interview, I made a card for a stranger. It was a blank card with floral patterns on the front. I wrote words of encouragement and sealed it in a small envelope I decorated with hearts and gemstones. I tried to give it to a woman, asking if she’d like a gift but she rudely declined, only for a homeless woman to offer acceptance. It made me happy because I felt dejected for a moment. Me and the woman briefly spoke and when she shared her situation, it instantly made me think of how anyone could easily be in her shoes. I thanked her for making my day but she walked away before I could offer to buy her food and water with whatever food stamps I’ve got left.
I’m grateful for that interaction because it really goes to show how many of us take little things for granted and don’t show as much empathy as we should for one another. I hope Ms. F. got to where she needed to go safely. Any time I face hardships, they remind me to be kinder. To myself and others, and extend grace wherever needed. I don’t know what these next few weeks will look like for me but I’m doing my best to navigate. All I ask is that anyone reading this please remember to exercise kindness, to anyone and everyone. You never know who’s day you’re making.
