i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.

it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.

i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.

it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.

everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.

the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.

the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.

i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.

idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.

after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do

but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.

first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.

when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.

in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.

i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.

people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?

but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???

or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.

i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.

tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.

what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.

i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?

My body is exhausted, my mind is foggy, and my heart feels heavy. I wake up every morning around 5am feeling like I've been hit by a truck. I'm 30, but some days I feel like I've not lived at all. Living with PTSD has made every day a battle, I struggle to just hold on and keep going. The trauma from my past haunts me every waking moment. The memories creep into my thoughts when I least expect it, triggering anxiety and panic attacks, especially in the morning. I'm constantly on edge, waiting for the next nightmare to come to life while I’m having morning toast with coffee. Trusting people I want to get close to feels impossible, and I'm always second-guessing their intentions. It's like I'm living in a never-ending nightmare of family abuse, and there's no escape. The nights are the worst. My stepfather used sleep deprivation as a form of punishment, and I have crippling insomnia reminding me of those horrible days when I slept for two hours each night. Sleep is a luxury and my worst enemy. I toss and turn, haunted by nightmares and flashbacks that leave me drenched in sweat and gasping for air. I can't sleep for more than 3-4 hours, and even that is plagued by restlessness and fear. The exhaustion weighs me down, making it even harder to face the day ahead. I've tried therapy and medication, but it's been impossible to find the right support. It feels like I'm fighting this battle alone, with no end in sight. I can’t even sleep with someone in the same room, and I’ll never be able to share a bed with another person. The constant fatigue and sleep deprivation only make it harder to cope with my symptoms. If I could get at least a week's worth of decent sleep, I think most of my symptoms would get better. How do I break free from this?

I don’t have any purpose left. That’s what I feel like. Anyway, I don’t know what the future holds for me. I don’t know what tomorrow works for me. I don’t know what I want to do tomorrow. I don’t know if I can ever connect with anyone. I feel so emotionally off with everyone; I only want people to leave me alone. I want to stay alone in my room all day long. I want my friends around. I want my family to know when they are close by. I don’t want them. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even understand what I’m going through or why I’m going through everything is fine; I am managing everything now. I don’t know why I have started to see red flags in my family and friends now; finding everyone around me is toxic for me. I know they wish the best for me. I don’t know what is best. What is that? I don’t know what is going on. I have no clue who is right. Who is wrong? I have just lost. I have lost all sense of touching a person living a life making friends. I have just lost.

I don’t know where to go so here I am. I’d better waste another half hour on typing this than calling another sex line,,, It never occurred to me before to ask for help with this, it was always about other things. More Important Things. And yet the treatment for major depression (MDD) only controls my symptoms. But it doesn’t remove them. I’ve been in therapy for depression until my financial issues and debts made me stop. I also used to be a drug addict but I’ve been clean for years. The doctors always think they have it all figured out… that they’ll just tweak a couple things, reset your dopamine levels and boom… you’re fixed. But I need something else other than antideps, I need serious treatment that I don’t have money for… My depression is not the cause anymore, it’s the symptom. I’m a sex addict.

For a very, very long time I though it was the other way round. My therapist told me my brain lacked the happiness hormones that’s why I found the new source in sex. Bullshit. We’ve tried three antideps over two years. Two of them made me suicidal, the third curbs the libido only slightly. I wish someone had told me when I was 18 that my sex behavior was inappropriate. No one ever tells you that until it’s too late... When you’re a high school student with an insatiable appetite for sex, your peers will only envy you. They don’t see it as a problem. How could I know. I skipped classes just to sneak off with another girl, thinking it was all just a normal part of growing up. If anyone had told me those early experiences would set me on a path of destruction I’d say they were prudes. Ain’t it ironic that the prudes are now living happy lives with their wives while I rot in my self-hatred,,,

My wife left me. Therapy was her idea, so in a way she tried to be patient with me. By the time we met I got clean from drugs and was not hooking up with prostitues anymore. I was absolutely sure my life was taking a new turn. The doctors told me so! I had no more desire for drugs, my depression was still considered non-resistant to medications. They all lied to me or perhaps were delusional because when drugs are invovled you don’t really talk about such small things like sex addiction.

The truth is, as I got older, my addiction only morphed into something more insidious - an obsession with porn and sex lines. My wife didn’t suspect at first. I looked normal, I acted the same way. My porn use was prob around a couple hours a day. Any doctor would call it “average”. But it wasn’t enough. I turned to paid sex lines, sexting and online kinks. But I wasn’t doing anything risky as I did before, no one said I should worry. Where’s the line between a healthy sex drive and an addiction? I can’t even pinpoint exactly when I crossed it. Maybe when I started turning up late for work unable to get up early after I’d been on the phone all night into the early hours. Or maybe when my wife found all the sex messages on my phone and all my extra credit cards. I’m not even sure if she left because of what I did or because of the piling debts… Probably both.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. Don’t give me pity. Just fcking warn your boys that sex is not healthy. It’s worse than drugs, no one knows how to deal with it nor wants to, until you get into a state when you literally can’t function, and then there’s a conveniently super expensive clinic somewhere out there to help you with all your problems. I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe I deserve to be alone and hated after all I’ve done.