I don’t know where to go so here I am. I’d better waste another half hour on typing this than calling another sex line,,, It never occurred to me before to ask for help with this, it was always about other things. More Important Things. And yet the treatment for major depression (MDD) only controls my symptoms. But it doesn’t remove them. I’ve been in therapy for depression until my financial issues and debts made me stop. I also used to be a drug addict but I’ve been clean for years. The doctors always think they have it all figured out… that they’ll just tweak a couple things, reset your dopamine levels and boom… you’re fixed. But I need something else other than antideps, I need serious treatment that I don’t have money for… My depression is not the cause anymore, it’s the symptom. I’m a sex addict.

For a very, very long time I though it was the other way round. My therapist told me my brain lacked the happiness hormones that’s why I found the new source in sex. Bullshit. We’ve tried three antideps over two years. Two of them made me suicidal, the third curbs the libido only slightly. I wish someone had told me when I was 18 that my sex behavior was inappropriate. No one ever tells you that until it’s too late... When you’re a high school student with an insatiable appetite for sex, your peers will only envy you. They don’t see it as a problem. How could I know. I skipped classes just to sneak off with another girl, thinking it was all just a normal part of growing up. If anyone had told me those early experiences would set me on a path of destruction I’d say they were prudes. Ain’t it ironic that the prudes are now living happy lives with their wives while I rot in my self-hatred,,,

My wife left me. Therapy was her idea, so in a way she tried to be patient with me. By the time we met I got clean from drugs and was not hooking up with prostitues anymore. I was absolutely sure my life was taking a new turn. The doctors told me so! I had no more desire for drugs, my depression was still considered non-resistant to medications. They all lied to me or perhaps were delusional because when drugs are invovled you don’t really talk about such small things like sex addiction.

The truth is, as I got older, my addiction only morphed into something more insidious - an obsession with porn and sex lines. My wife didn’t suspect at first. I looked normal, I acted the same way. My porn use was prob around a couple hours a day. Any doctor would call it “average”. But it wasn’t enough. I turned to paid sex lines, sexting and online kinks. But I wasn’t doing anything risky as I did before, no one said I should worry. Where’s the line between a healthy sex drive and an addiction? I can’t even pinpoint exactly when I crossed it. Maybe when I started turning up late for work unable to get up early after I’d been on the phone all night into the early hours. Or maybe when my wife found all the sex messages on my phone and all my extra credit cards. I’m not even sure if she left because of what I did or because of the piling debts… Probably both.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. Don’t give me pity. Just fcking warn your boys that sex is not healthy. It’s worse than drugs, no one knows how to deal with it nor wants to, until you get into a state when you literally can’t function, and then there’s a conveniently super expensive clinic somewhere out there to help you with all your problems. I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe I deserve to be alone and hated after all I’ve done.

They label it “hyper independence”, I refer to it as being self-reliant.

They see it as having “trust issues”, I perceive it as people having issues with being truthful.

It’s incredibly infuriating how people are willing to deflect accountability and will accuse you of everything in the book when in actuality it’s just you calling them out on their shit. I know there’s a difference between isolation and holding space with yourself but because of recurring situations, I’m choosing to isolate. I’m isolating because I’m tired. I’m tired of experiencing the same shit and I’m tired of meeting the same, unhealed people just in different situations.

I’m not “hyper independent” because I have no problem asking for help when I REALLY need it, but I recognise everything starts with me and that I’m the only person with the power to change the circumstances of my situation. If I wait around for others then nothing will get done. Opportunities don’t just fall into a person’s lap, they have to create them, and every day I’m putting in my best effort to ensure I create as many as possible.

I don’t have trust issues because I possess discernment and accept people for who they are. When they show me their true colours, I don’t feel the need to repaint or attempt to change them. I acknowledge that’s their character and act accordingly, even if it means separating myself indefinitely or permanently. What I DO take issue with is people lying to my face then playing victim when they experience the consequences of their actions.

Allowing myself emotional vulnerability is something I’m continuously working toward because growing up, I didn’t have a safe space to express myself. I didn’t have the support systems I have today but even now I still struggle because I only feel seen and supported in limited spaces such as therapy and workshop. The one time I tried reaching out for comfort from the few people I wanted to call friends, it went exactly how it did in the past and now I’m closing myself off.

I clarified that I was seeking support and not advice, but whether than listening they either: affirmed me where I wasn’t looking to be, didn’t understand or it turned into them venting about their problems and me comforting them. While I recognise they aren’t intentionally being malicious, it doesn’t change that it hurts. I’ve already talked to them about this but where I’m at now, even knowing it’s a trauma response, I feel so much more comforted in isolation. This isn’t going to change me being vulnerable when needed, but moving forward I have no intention of befriending, dating or creating relationships with anyone until I get other priorities in my life together.

So fuck it. Call me hyper independent and accuse me of having trust issues. Nobody understands my situation more than I do because I’m the person living through it. Whatever hardships I face, success I experience or accomplishments achieved, will all stay between me and my therapist. I understand that by choosing to isolate myself I’m damaging what little support I could receive outside of therapy and workshops but I’ll figure it out. I just don’t have the heart to continue being disappointed by people.

From the age of 13 (now 20),I experienced deep seated insecurity and dissatisfaction with the shape and appearance of my nose and it greatly impacted my self-esteem and overall self-image.I embarked on extensive measures to camouflage what I perceived as an unsightly and repulsive nose. Notably, my naturally curly hair became a target of transformation – I painstakingly straightened it in pursuit of adhering to the prevailing standard that straight hair was more attractive. This became a part of my comprehensive strategy to create a curtain-like effect, hoping my hair could serve as a diversion from my nose. My choice to position myself at the back of the classroom was intentional, an attempt to evade angles that exposed the hump on my nose. Even when I laughed, my immediate instinct was to shield my face, concealing the widening of my nostrils – and this very habit persists to this day. Frequently, I'd return home burdened by an overwhelming sense of distress over my appearance.

My dad, in his attempt to console me, resorted to comparisons between my nose and those of accomplished individuals. He invoked examples like Marie Antoinette and Barbara Streisand, emphasizing that these notable figures embraced their unique looks and still achieved considerable success. However, these comparisons offered little consolation, failing to alleviate the deep-rooted insecurities that plagued me. My envy of individuals with straight or smaller noses remained unwavering, leading me to yearn for an entirely different nose. Unfortunately, these feelings of shame and discontent culminated in a series of challenging situations. Throughout my formative teenage years, I spiraled into a profound state of emotional darkness, primarily as a consequence of this issue. My fixation on my nose escalated to an unhealthy and all-consuming extreme. I amassed an extensive collection of nose-centric images, which included close-ups extracted from my friends' Instagram posts. Proficient in photo editing, I subjected my own pictures to intricate alterations, attempting to craft a more favorable version of myself. I also ventured into drastic measures, including massaging my nose until it bled. I distinctly recall attending school with a visibly swollen nose as a direct result of these actions. In my endeavor to divert attention from my face, I threw myself into excessive exercise regimens, dedicated hours to meticulously selecting outfits designed to overshadow my nose, and even toyed with the idea of bying an unconventional "nose lifter" device online.

 Advancing to the present, post my rhinoplasty last year, I find myself still grappling with a prevailing sense of dissatisfaction. While the surgical procedure effectively addressed the hump on my nose, an all-encompassing sentiment of discontent continues to plague me. My family's patience has worn thin, as they urge me to redirect my energy towards more meaningful pursuits. Reflecting on the period prior to the surgery, my fixation on my appearance dealt a significant blow to both my academic and personal growth. Countless opportunities were forsaken, including the realization of my long-held aspiration to attend medical school. I now acknowledge that societal beauty standards played a substantial role in amplifying these deeply ingrained insecurities.I'm intricately involved in the process of reshaping my self-perception. I've come to understand that the act of comparing myself to others is fundamentally disrespectful to my inherent worth. In those moments when negative comparisons arise, I gently remind myself of individuals grappling with challenges far more significant than appearance-related concerns. I'm steadfastly committed to fostering a profound sense of gratitude for the blessings that I possess, irrespective of society's prevailing norms. Rather than seeking validation externally, I'm gradually cultivating self-compassion, treating myself with the same kindness and understanding that I instinctively extend to my loved ones. To counteract the lingering negativity that occasionally resurfaces, I'm intentionally redirecting my focus towards my unique talents and passions. I'm channeling my energy into endeavors I excel at and genuinely relish. I've begun to comprehend that my appearance is just one fragment of my multidimensional identity. I'm currently navigating the journey of embracing what I possess instead of yearning for what I lack. Through practicing mindfulness and gratitude, I've found a means to genuinely appreciate my body and exist more fully in the present moment. While I do occasionally find myself drawn into moments of comparison, it's no longer an overwhelming and all-consuming compulsion. In essence, I've reached a point of comprehension wherein I understand that my appearance merely constitutes a facet of my overall identity. I'm actively engaged in nurturing my body through healthier choices, occasionally enhancing my features with makeup, and curating a wardrobe that resonates with my personal style, irrespective of external validation. While I haven't fully conquered all the challenges posed by my self-perception, I'm gradually and resolutely progressing towards a healthier understanding of myself and a heightened sense of contentment.

From past one year my life has been changed totally. I have been struggling with mental issues.... Everyday I wake up with the same feelings of negative thoughts and so on.... It feels like losing mind.... I exactly dn't know what's happening but I dn't feel happy at all and feels like I'm not real at all... Feels like my soul is not here but only body is here... These intrusive thoughts always makes me difficult to survive.. .. But besides all these I trust in God. I listen to shendur lal chaidya whenever I have Panik attacks and after some time I feel better... I also read hanuman chalisa at night... Jst shared my thoughts with you all guys... Have a nice day..