Hi all, can I please talk about the sense of inferiority. For clarity, therapy has been a constant in my life for several years on and off, but it’s only recently that I’ve come to realize that my biggest setback in life is my constant never-ending feeling of shame. We explored self-esteem and self-worth with my therapist, but somehow it didn’t resonate with me. I understood what she was telling me about myself intellectually, but couldn’t give a name to my feeling. Now I know its name is shame and it is toxic and deeply rooted. In particular, my therapist has been trying to untangle my codependency issues. I’m always needy for approval and validation from others. I think it’s my attempt to fill the void of worthlessness that shame has created within me. So I was constantly seeking approval from my parents, partners, and friends… It was not about loneliness.
I realize now that shame has been the invisible barrier preventing me from living a fulfilling life. It has held me back from pursuing my dreams, forming meaningful relationships, and truly loving myself. I can’t even look in the mirror without thinking something mean and self-critical. Many of my life decisions and especially my avoidance were driven by shame when I went into spirals of self-loathing. For example, I could ignore a friend’s message for a day. Then I’d start feeling guilty about not answering, and also feeling awkward that I should have answered before, and now it’s not the right timing. A week would pass in such feelings, then a month, and then I’d realize I’ve lost another friend out of stupidity.
It’s so difficult to be proud of my success and my accomplishments. I feel vulnerable, as if feeling joy will instantly erase my success, like being happy is not for me. I cried a little this morning because of my ugly mind that always makes me think I’m flawed. I know I should try finding fulfillment from within, but it’s the hardest thing. Right now I’m feeling low, exposed and judged. All I want is to hide from the world and from myself.
