My past has been plagued with alcohol-related issues and I vowed to either completely quit or severely limit my consumption, as I was aware of the negative consequences that arose when I drank too much. Unfortunately, I failed to uphold my promise. It's not surprising, really.
Now, I find myself alone. To make matters worse, I believe I've been in a manic episode for some time now, which only adds to my anxiety. The inevitable crash at the end of this high is looming, and I'm terrified of how hard it will hit me.
Why couldn't I have stopped when I had the chance? Why didn't I keep my word and give up drinking altogether? I've quit before, only to start up again. My behavior has hurt both myself and others, yet they still show me love. Unfortunately, I can't seem to find any love for myself.
It's baffling to me that people consider me one of the kindest individuals they've ever met, despite my numerous screw-ups. Sometimes, I wonder if they're only imagining a nicer version of myself.
I can't reverse time, and it's possible that only time can heal these wounds. However, it's difficult to move forward when everyone else remembers my mistakes so vividly, while I can't even recall where things went wrong.
You yourself mentioned it's past and it doesn't matter and can't be changed, so why cry over spilt milk my friend, what has happened happened, what we need to focus on is now and it's never ever too late to start or realize something, the important part is you did realize and now you wish to change it most people don't even possess that will, which you do, so don't let these negative thoughts pull you down, we have started somewhere and the journey shouldn't stop
See a doctor, and take the needed prescriptions and follow them properly, do not let any gathering or any other way tempt you, keep red lines so that no reason can become an excuse to do it again, sorry to ask do you have a family? Like parents or wife and kids
If you do think about how you can make their life better by simply fixing your own health
Do it, it's never too late
Addiction to alcohol, it's a disease. You need to realize it and get treatment from a narcologist or psychotherapist. You need to understand why and for what you need to quit alcohol. And start every day with a new attempt. Say to yourself: today is the morning, my day will be alcohol-free. And tomorrow I will decide again.