The worst thing that happened to me was my ADHD diagnosis. It didn’t explain anything, all the things I wasn’t good at are as they were. Nothing changes, and my psychiatrist pisses me off when she’s so confident I’m doing better now… What about my mental burnout? It maybe got 5% less severe since I’m on a low dose stimulant. My attention levels got a tiny bit better. But at the same time I’m more irritable and I don’t enjoy my meals anymore, it all tastes bland.

When I interact with the world outside my small circle of friends, I’m still left mentally exhausted... I think before medication I used to be more restless and talkative, and people maybe thought I was weird? But now half of my day is spent overthinking things that don't deserve nearly as much attention as my brain is giving them. I’m daydreaming non-stop. My emotions are still on overdrive, but they sort of dulled down a bit. So yes, previously there was too much of me, and people probably didn’t like me for that... But now, whenever I talk to someone, I worry that I'm boring them to death. Nothing I say feels impactful. I focus so damn hard on the information I'm trying to convey, struggling not to say something out of context, that I end up sounding expressionless and mechanical, like a goddamn encyclopedia!

Dating was always an ordeal, but now it’s slow agony... Do stimulants make me boring or just dumb? It's bad enough that I overthink every interaction and am going out of my way not to get distracted by random topics that most people find uninteresting. I literally find myself talking about things like the Cold War or the Moon landing half of the time. Before my diagnosis, I called myself a nerd, an introvert. Now I have to be glad that I officially have a mental disorder? Seriously, all I dream about is to learn how to keep the conversation flowing naturally, and also to turn off my overthinking. Explaining this to people is a complete waste of my energy. Most people outside my circle have no idea what “ADHD” even means. How do you live with your diagnosis, did your psychiatrist help you?

// Sorry for ranting I don’t want to sound mean. Guess I sort of need to vent off my frustration, and I have no one to turn to right now...

I'm really struggling right now and I just need a place to vent and maybe get some advice. I've been dealing with low self-esteem for as long as I can remember. It feels like no matter what I do, I can never see myself in a positive light. My self-worth seems to be tied to what others think of me, and lately, it's been really rough. Recently, my brother told me that I'm the ugliest person he's ever seen. I know siblings can be mean sometimes, but this comment just hit me really hard. It's not the first time he's said something hurtful, but this time, it feels like it really broke something inside me. I've always had issues with my appearance, and hearing that from someone so close to me has made it even worse. I keep replaying his words in my head, and it's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm constantly comparing myself to others and always coming up short. Social media doesn't help either.

I hate how men are quick to blame women for the trauma they suffered at the hands of an abuser but not antagonise the perpetrator inflicting the harm. It’s always, “Women should choose better!” but never, “Men should stop being abusive.” It’s “not all men” but EVERY woman and her mother has a story of how she was attacked, harassed or preyed upon by a man.

No survivor, woman or man, would willingly date an abusive person. Often time the perpetrator led them into a false sense of security and there was a power dynamic of sorts playing into it. But every time discussions of domestic violence and protecting women come into play men are READY to deflect accountability and refuse to acknowledge their bias because they’re misogynistic.

Fun fact: domestic violence isn’t just a “woman’s issue”, it impacts men too. Despite it disproportionately affecting them it affects them nonetheless. However because a LOT of men are misogynists or predators themselves, they willingly defend abusive behaviour but have the audacity to get upset when women don’t feel safe around them.

The same way they’ll shout “not all men” should be applied in other scenarios. Not all men are abusers but not all men are protectors either. Not all men are rapists but not all men hold their predator acquaintances accountable.

I very genuinely cannot tolerate other men and will never closely associate myself with them because of it. If you treat women with respect you’re a “simp”, if you acknowledge women’s hardships and that they’re not as privileged as ignorant men believe then you’re a “white knight.” If you don’t bodybuild, uphold toxic masculinity and use women for sex then you’re “gay.”

Men hate women assuming the worst of them but continue to leave terrible impressions by associating with the negative beliefs of what it means to be a man.

And before anyone lacking comprehension skills comments attempting to deflect the main point of this vent, I’m not saying women are incapable of being abusers. I’ve acknowledged that TWICE in this post. I’m just tired of seeing men invalidate women’s trauma because they’re pieces of shit.

Up until September 2022 I’ve spent most of my life people-pleasing and bending over backwards for others with little to no reciprocation. In previous friendships and relationships I was treated like a therapist; a resource; someone to trauma dump on and abandon once the support sought was received. This has been an ongoing pattern that manifested and unconsciously continued until I broke the cycle by deciding to choose myself.

Since beginning to prioritise my wellbeing post escaping an abusive relationship, I began redefining what friendship looks like to me and how I want future connections to form. That involved cutting ties, reframing my perspective, changing my surrounding and adjusting my approach. Now, 2 almost 3 years into my journey I find myself alone because I’ve noticed this generation’s definition of friendship is based off either: what you can do for others, people wanting to experience abundance by proximity, how much you’ll let others take advantage of you or the amount of shallow intimacy had.

There’s a difference between holding space with yourself and isolating, and while I hold space with myself most days I definitely isolate on others. I’m okay with having no friends because I’m protecting my peace and will continue to, however whenever I’m meeting people for the first time and their immediate reaction is to trauma dump I disassociate with quickness.

I understand it’s not always done maliciously but it’s exhausting. I acknowledge that receiving professional help is easier said than done and it’s privilege to have accessibility to mental health services, but trauma dumping on someone you met within hours of meeting them is a red flag for me. Life isn’t sunshine and rainbows 24/7 and I recognise that. I don’t believe in enforcing toxic positivity because that does more harm than good, but where I’m at right now I just want to make connections and enjoy the little goodness that’s left while the world is going to shit.

Being surrounded by people who constantly complain, always see the negative and are problem focused instead of seeking alternatives, acknowledging positives and being solution oriented is very genuinely draining. It’s okay to vent when needed, it helps decompress, but to NEVER have anything good to talk about? That’s troubling to me. Yes, people (apart of your support system or not) are supposed to help in your time of need but they’re not qualified professionals trained to guide you through every traumatic event you experienced. Continuously dumping shit on people without even knowing their capacity to receive potentially triggering information shouldn’t be normalised and is selfish in my opinion, but I unfortunately keep running into people like this.

I love helping others more than anything but I refuse to fall back into old patterns. I’m no longer trying to save anyone, I just hope I inspire people enough to save themselves. General advice, a shoulder to lean on and encouragement is all I can give. I’m tired of being treated like an afterthought, arm candy or expedient. I’ve been traumatised enough by previous trauma bonds and recognising I’ll outgrow those connections sooner or later, I don’t want future friendships/relationships to develop from trauma bonding. I trust in my decision making abilities more than anything but sometimes I feel bad, am I the asshole for immediately disassociating with people who attempt to trauma bond with me?