So first things, This will be really long. I am really sorry about that and will be really thankfull if someone know the answer to my problem.

My name is Aldi, you can call me smam or aldi. I am 21 years old and currently doing thesis at my bachelor degree and have full time job + side job + enterpreneurship or building business with other people. I am the youngest from my brothers and i have 3 brothers, my family is kinda poor so i need to work extra hard to fullfill me and my family needs.

From primary school, I'll always getting bullied. In primary school i am getting bullied because i am really bad at sport, cant socialize much, and didn't really want to do bad things. There's only some people bully me tho but the bullying comes with physical (punching, kicking, etc) and verbal type. But i still got a really good friend, i still remember how kind he is and one time he teach me how to punch properly too but i never have the courage to do that before. I always hoping that primary school year will be done, then come middle school years. In the middle school i got much bigger problem, i have even less friend and the bully comes in group now. I still remember that the bully group will always wait me after school to do stuff you know what will happen, day by day i either rush to go home quickly or go out with the teacher. I always saying thanks to the teacher and the teacher looks really confused. Some of the time i got ganged up too, got punched in the gut, it really hurts. My only peace time in middle school is when i got into academic competition, my school will teach me in different room when class time so i dont need to attend class and meet with the bully group. Thankfully i am really good at mathematic so about 1/4 to half of my middle school time is spent on the special class for special student to learn for the competition. But thinking back i think i joinned up the competition so i dont get bullyed, but yeah day by day is like hell when i am in normal class and really hoping for middle school years to pass. To this year i still remember the name of the one who bully me, sometimes i search the leader who bully me, or the one who bully me. Most of the time i dont find their profile in internet, some ignore my chat, few people just said its in the past and it doesn't matter. It really hurts and haunt me sometime, to add some salt in the wound. I have friend in the middle school, but they betrayed me because they are afraid to get bullied to if they are become my friend. In high school, the difficulty seems to be lowered in a sense, except the lower difficulty is a fake. The bully still takes in group, but i managed to get some friends that want to talk and befriend with me, most of the time in school they hang out with the bully group but some time they have a nice chat with me. It's looks like a good time to me, until i found out its all a lie. The teacher hate me because i am strange and to strict (maybe because i dont want to do bad stuff, maybe because the teacher feel that handling one people is easier), my friend talk bad behind me when i am not in class, ect. I feel really betrayed, I dont even know who is my friend anymore and how to find a good friend. things maybe easier in the pyhsical bullying department compared to the middle school, but damn it is hurt in my heart.

You all maybe asking, why did stand idle or didnt ask for help? I do ask for help, a lot of time in fact. When i ask for my parent help, they only come to school and told the bully nicely (literally) to stop bully me. And you know what happen? it become worse because i am called a snitch and the bully become more aggressive. asking a teacher will result in the same stuff happening, either they told the bully or both of us going in discussion with teacher in middle one time then next day i got bullied more. Once my parent said for me to ask the bully forgiveness myself to stop bully me, but hell its only got worse. Lot of time people said to ignore the verbal bullying, I can ignore it but there is a cost to that and i will explain it later. Fighting off myself is impossible because they gank in group, my only saving grace is when i got separated because i need to study for competition.

In home, its not really a good place too. I must always yield/give in everytime, when i have a problem with my brother then i need to be the one to say sorry or they wont talk to me (my parent said that) then i need to kneel down and say sorry to them. My brother always got supported more for their school needs, When i make money then i need to pay for their necessities too. Last time i got in a fight with my brother, it is getting heated then my parents become sick because they are embarassed if neighbour heard our fight. So i need to backdown but my brother keep badmouthing me saying i am a thief ect. If you want the context, the internet package got depleted really fast and my brother have the tendency to blame others. I give every proof that when i use the wifi or i am not using the wifi (because i am not home and working far from home) and the internet package get depleted fast too. But my parents always ask me to back down and be patient. Right and wrong become gray to me, if being bad have no consequences and become more happy then why should i be good? why should i the one to back down? but yeah thats only one example of the problem.

For my university days, the first and second semester is really busy because orientation so not much stuff happening. In the second semester covid comes then everything become online so nothing interesting happen (maybe if covid not coming i will be bullied again?). Online classes keep happening till my last year, i only need to be patient at home and honestly its better than in school because i am not having problem with my brother everytime. Its just for my thesis, i need to do it by 3 people team. I choose my own member, the first one is my personal friend (yeah stupid me, i dont know if he is really my friend but i am having good time gaming with him) and the other one is someone who is really good at my thesis topic. Because i am always failing and need to take extra step and really cautious then i always plan ahead and choosing best member. I do the 60-80% part of the thesis and the rest is divided between my other member, i provided the necessary tool out of my pocket money even though i am really hard on money too so they can do their task easily. but what happen? THEY IGNORED ME FOR MORE THAN 6 MONTHS, i got really depressed because i need to graduate so my salary will increase and i hopefully theres some money left for me to enjoy (thats right, every month i always out of money because my parents will always ask for it like for my brother necessities). My brother didnt even have a job, they always ask for money then go out from home to look for job (its just empty words). But stupidly my parents always believe it and they got so much in debt because my brother sweet words. FYI my brother is 35+ years old now and they dont have a single job experience, they always get supported but i dont because i can fill my own necessities. Like i know i can fullfill my own necessities but its still really hard to see when my brother got provided with money but i need to work my ass off to pay for my college. FYI again My 2nd and 3rd brother is 35 years old with no experience and my 1st brother is 38 years old with full time experience but he got cancer and i need to help for paying the treatment too.

The problem i said above is just a glimpse of it, most of the time i always failed or the odds is stacked again me so i need to plan ahead and being extra carefull. Even though like that i still get screwed off sometime like my thesis that currently happening. My enterpreneurship with my friend where my friend work less and didnt answer my chat, I want to cut off the partnership but i still got a client that need to be done because my name is on it (hell the client is really slow too to provide what i need to finish the project).

Now lets talk what i feel and my problem is:

1. I am having a hard time trusting people
2. Got a bad dream sometime about the bad stuff happening to me like bullying and waking up really tired.
3. Can't smile because i always put poker face when i got verbally bullied.
4. Got really cold attitude and dont have any feeling, when my friend in primary school got an accident i didnt feel anything but i know that i must feel something because he is my friend. My oldest brother got cancer but i still dont feel any remorse at all.
5. Having anxiety, low self-esteem, closing my eyes and cant look at people when i speak, my legs and body really shaking when talking to people especially group of people.thats strange tho because i am a leader type in my job so i cant have these traits
6. Having really negative though, like i think that dying is better because i wont get any problem at all. Logically thats true, but on the one side i must keep living and never give up plus my religion said suicide is not allowed.
7. Envy when looking people happy, I dont know why its just i want to have a good childhood and life like them.
8. Got confused and self conflicting a lot.
9. My emotion is always jumping high and low, but i always keep it to my self and not showing it. Other people wont like it when i got mad right? but i am really happy when i do gaming and stuff i like.
10. Right now i am procastinating for my thesis, I need to do my thesis. but the stuff that left to be finished is the side that i am not really good at (designing stuff and learning new stuff), it should be where my two friend shine and good at. I try to learn it but sometime i lost motivation or my head hurts, but i need to do my thesis so my salary will Increase.

Someone, anyone please help. I really want to talk to therapy but i always self conflicting, on one side its really pricey and on one side i need to know a way to solve my problem. Hope someone can help me. I am really thankfull if you read it this far, and even more thankfull if you can give me some thought. Thanks!

i feel like i’m alone, i feel like i have no one to talk to, i have my friends but they don’t understand what im feeling like i just want a friend who i can talk to when im crying at 2am and will actually listen to me and what im feeling without judging me

I am 25 years old, still figuring out how to satisfy everyone around me. I sometimes feel why was i even born i am just an extra burden for the earth's population and for my parents. My parents have high expectations for me as they want me to get a govt job and they're highly against the private job. I've trying for like 3 years now i still haven't cleared one. I did cleared pre for 2-3 exams but never cleared the mains. I've this acquaintance from school who's father keeps calling to my father sharing his children's jobs and achievements (his both children became govt teachers) although my father didn't said anything directly but i heard my parents conversations and they are so disappointed with me. I've been trying really hard for all these years but i don't know where I'm lacking or what I'm lacking. And the other people keep nudging my parents about me getting a job. Also my other relatives like my uncles and aunts keep suggesting unnecessary things to my parents like when i asked my parents to let me go somewhere else to join a coaching and prepare. My so called relatives told that it's not safe out there although there own kids are living in a big cities. I've been iving in this overprotective environment for all these years and i really don't want to live like this anymore. I once tried talking to my paa but things got heated and i got slapped twice after that i can't even share anything with them. All my friends have gotten a job somewhere so whenever i tell them something they just don't understand and say things like get a job and they'll be fine (I once got a job in a private company so I'm not a slacker). I don't know who to share all this i keep hearing everyone's opinion and criticism and i can't even get mad at them as it is disrespectful. All this made me extremely anxious and demotivated. Nowadays i feel like an zoo animal trapped in a cage. I am extremely terrified of pain so can't even die as death is really painful. I Don't have anyone to talk to and to share all this or get a little support from them. I know my parents are disappointed in me and i don't want to be like this. I'm sorry if i acted like a brat here.

Thankyou for reading my thoughts, maybe you are the only people I'm sharing all this as i won't be able to say this to anyone.

I don't know but i am not able to connect with people on emotional level. I can talk to people but on everyday topics and for a very short period of time. It's rarely that i am able to convey what I feel and share about myself. I am in first year mbbs college right now far away from my home in hoatel. At home mom used to hear me but after coming here I have reduced sharing my problems with her coz she will get unnecessarily stressed, she cares a lot about my happiness.

It is like no one here really understands me definitely not my two friends with whom I constantly hang out. Everyone here judges other people, talk I'll about others, they might be joking around but i cannot here so much negative things... I cannot talk bad or judge other people without knowing them.

I want to accomplish so many things in my field but the two friends I am with who I thought would push me towards it are not at all like that. Earlier they used to say that we don't want to date or talk about guys but now every conversation of them is about that only and i can't stand it. I mean upto a limit it is fine but all the time just the same talk and having no goal to achieve is just so frustrating for me.

I want to talk with other people but I don't know how to fit in their groups also it's very difficult for me to break a friendship.

Because of all these thing I have started remaining quiet all the time and dont indulge in their talks even when I am sitting with them. To this one of my friend says that your core nature has changed, you are not like before. Its so sad that she judges me on one thing disregarding all the moments we had spent together before.

She thinks that her way of living like is better and considers everyone else's lower compared to her.

I never made her feel bad about herself only because she is not like me, why can't she do the same with me.

I think that staying with them is draining the capability of my mind which I can put to use for so many more things because I have goals that I want to achieve.

But I don't want to be seen as a bad person leaving her friends.

What I want to say is that I am emotionally fucked up. I have feelings but lacke the power of expression. It feels like I have locked up all my real emotions away.

While leaving home I want to cry but I can't in front of everyone. I cry only when I am alone Or sometimes in front of my mother.

I was not always like this, it has started happening since the past 3years.

Before that I used to have a range of emotions and now I feel just like a robot because logic takes over every feeling of mine to the extent that I feel whats the point of crying if can't do anything about it.

Pls help me