i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.
it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.
i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.
it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.
everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.
the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.
the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.
i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.
idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.
after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do
but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.
first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.
when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.
in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.
i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.
people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?
but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???
or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.
i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.
tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.
what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.
i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?
We each have to walk our own paths in life. Yours is unique to you, and no matter how ugly it looks to other people, it’s not. It’s your soul’s journey, if you believe in that sort of thing. I can also guarantee that no one’s life is perfect, and external accomplishments have nothing to do with what’s going on in a person’s heart or mind. There are doctors and lawyers and others who make tons of money and still carry the ache of failure with them wherever they go. I can tell you that after reaching a six figure salary myself, I felt every bit as much of a failure as I did when I was broke. In fact I felt worse. My whole life I thought my problems would be solved when I reached that point. They weren’t. So I left.
My only advice is for you to ask yourself this question: if you had chosen this life yourself, what lessons would you want yourself to learn? That is, imagine before you were born, you could be anyone anywhere, and you chose to be you. Why? What kind of character building can you undergo in your current situation that will teach you to be a stronger person?
Not all learning comes from books, and not all work leads to a paycheck. It sounds to me like you’re learning already and there is work ahead of you. If you focus that work internally, learning to be at peace with yourself and the way things are, then you will be rich on the inside. And I’ve found that inner wealth often leads to external accomplishments far more easily than stress and pressure.
Best wishes.
@hayleymcclure631 thank you for your time😊 and
I'll definitely take your words seriously and work more on myself.
Hello my friend, I complete understand what you're saying through, I'm from a typical Indian household with all that criticism and gossips and over possessive environment, I'm just 21 but trust me feels like I'm 30 already, the amount of times I had to fight for myself, make people understand how fake they're and atleast how honest I am about myself, moreover never never ever doubt yourself there's like hundred billions people on this planet to go against you to doubt your potential but just you only you who can blindly trust yourself and make things happen, if you also start doubting yourself who'll stand for you?
Never let the seed of doubt sow in your brain, you need to stand with yourself till the end, keep believing in yourself, people always have something to say and pinpoint but you don’t need to give the tiniest bit of attention to them, you need to trust your plans , that’s all, if you trust yourself and know what you’re doing and believe it’ll be sure shot, then it doesn’t need to make sense to others