Hello,

I really didn’t know what category to post to, sorry

I’m ashamed of what I’m going to say. I fear that I dislike my daughter because of my ex-wife. I don’t know what to do with these feelings of guilt and inner rejection of her.

I’m the primary caretaker, she’s 7 years old. Her mother is in jail for selling drugs. I hate my ex-wife so bad. She was absolutely unfit to care for our daughter. She couldn’t care about herself, constantly abusing drugs and booze. She’d cheated on me multiple times in our nine years together. I found out about all of it during the past year while she was in jail. It broke me. I don’t want her in my life. And this child is like my punishment. At her young age, she looks exactly like her mother. She’s like her mini-version. Same eyes, same mannerisms. She took nothing from me. I started a new job at the hospital and often take night shifts, the child stays with my mother. I try to give her everything she needs at her age, finances are not an issue. I have zero bond with her. Sometimes I don’t want to go home in the morning, it’s all so confused in my head. I can’t look into her eyes without feeling that there’s a shadow of her mother crawling somewhere near. My mother urges me to try therapy, it’s covered by my insurance, and I don’t know what’s stopping me. It’s not the life I envisioned. I feel terrible for dreaming about a partner and for wanting to have a normal love life. I’m not ready for single parenting, and yet it’s my lifelong duty now. What if I’ll never learn to love my daughter?

THIS MUST SEEM TOO LONG TO READ AND WILL UNDERSTAND IF ANYONE DON'T WANT TO READ IT BUT I THOUGHT OF SHARING IT. IF YOU READ TILL END THEN I AM ALREADY VERY THANKFUL TO YOU.

I don't know if I am making any progress in life, is it going to make things in my life better or just trying (like a missile with no guidance system) which won't have any good end result. Like is it all just an illusion that I am trying to achieve goals in life and will achieve something which I want to in the end but the end result will be zero (0) because I am not able to do it properly or I am just not able to (or not upto the mark at this stage of my life).

To make things clear, I am 27 years old. Computer Science Engineer with no proper (coding) skills to secure a good job in any company. So basically I have been jobless since I passed out from college which was in 2018. It is not like that all the B.tech graduates in India have good proper skills (right after college) to secure at least a freshers job after passing from college. Even after 2-3 years of passing out there are a lot of options. After 3-4 years of passing out and not having work experience is when the need to acquire good skills is required.

Now, how I got into this situation is by MY OWN DECISIONS. I will make this short as I don't want to explain more than what is required to get to know my situation.

I loved a girl from high school truly and madly. Actually we both loved each other. But I loved her more than she or I would have ever thought of. We broke up after 3.5 years of relationship. Then all in my mind left was just her (like everything about her only) and god knows I cried a lot and even tried a lot to get myself move on in life and make myself successful because breakups happen to almost everyone. But I failed miserably in it and also in my high school board exams too. In the meantime she went through a lot too but she was always smart, mature and she moved on. She went to another city, made friends and also kept in mind about career growth. She also went into relationships (some worked some didn't but now she is in a filmy kind of relationship which means she is like in a dream love affair and will get married soon too). But all these times we kept talking and chatting (as a friend) whenever we got time (meaning whenever she got time because I was always there for her everything from texts to calls like everything). And all those times I just acted that I am okay because I was happy that she is doing good in her life and I always just kept my feelings to myself. But I was in deep pain. Even when I got the chance to get into new relationships I just was not up for it.

Reality was after I lost her I lost everything in my life (except thank god not my family). I started drinking hard, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed and then hard drugs because these things used to give me escape from the reality in which I was living now. I know I should have faced reality head on but I was emotionally too drained and invested in her. I always used to wait a year when she would come back home from college and we used to meet (like 1-2 times max 3 times). And I would just listen to her looking at her (like how a child looks at the toy he/she wants from a toy shop). I never told her what I felt all those times and what it was like meeting her after a year of hoping to meet her. And the tears of mine when she used to leave I remember them so vividly that I can't forget them. This was the only thing which kept me going. That feeling of hope that I will meet her again.

Then sh*t and life both happened and I was left with nothing. Only her memories were and are by my side now. And will always be (no one can take this from me).

Now more hard drugs, drinking and everything happened and my career was down in the gutter. When I used to get sober everyday or every other day dreams of her used to pay me a visit everytime I tried to sleep. Even sleep was like a luxury to me. And feeling depressed was normal. Then relapses of addiction happened again and again.

Right now, I am completely sober for a few months and I still have dreams about her (to remind you yeah even after 13 fuc***g years). That love of mine has changed me completely (I won't be able to explain more about it but for an instance now I don't even laugh properly).

But now I want to be successful in my life. All those things which I turned down because I was not alright I want it now. It will be the only thing which will bring joy into my life because after hitting rock bottom and getting back up takes a lot of courage, strength, dedication and hard work and if I will be able to get back up then in my eyes I will gain my respect again.

I am trying to get certifications so that I can be able to fulfill the career gap which I am having. But the thing is I am not what I used to be. I am not what others in my batch are. I am not able to learn fast. Or if I am able to learn fast I am not able to practice properly to have a grip on the topic or language. I make plans but I fail in fulfilling them. And I wake up everyday feeling depressed because of lots of things (like how my peers have achieved so much till now and where I am now, also about her of course etc). I am angry both at her and myself too. I am angry and I am in a lot of pain too. I feel a range of emotions. I have self doubt. Also recovering from years of drug abuse and it will take time. But somehow I just feel am I not enough anymore or was I ever?

I don't have that confidence left in me. I am trying but I am not even sure if it is going to help or not.

A lot is happening and has happened. I can't even write my feelings, my emotions, my stories (it's overwhelming and too much) but I want it all to end because now I am too fed up. I can't take it anymore. I have to get something which will make me feel I am not a loser (I have been but don't want to be anymore). I know I have been a complete idiot, stupid or whatever you think of me. Also if you felt too much trouble to understand what I tried to express then no worries because I know I am not good at expressing my thoughts, feelings or even articulating words. I am just a loser, a total wreck who is just trying to get back up. Bear with me.  

Hi,

For the last few days, I have had some suicidal thoughts I am a school-going teenager but my teachers and my classmates constantly harass me with their words and I always smile no matter what I always smile I am a perfect child but everyone hates me I don't even abuse to someone but everyone hates me On every single day I tried to do best in my life but because of constant verbal presser I don't do anything and I don't have a single friend whom should I discuss my problems on whom shoulder should I cry If I approach someone to talk to me then he or she rejects me because of my body when I need someone to talk there is nobody. I am thinking of quitting this world because now it is done and I think my lifespan is over

Thank you

Everything inside me screams from helplessness and injustice of it all! I don’t hate my sister-in-law, as a woman, I want to support her, I really do. And I know she's been through a lot. It's been three long years since she moved in with us, seeking refuge from her abusive ex-husband. Three years of watching her struggle being a young mother, and three years of feeling the walls of my own life closing in on me. As much as I want to help her, I can't take it anymore. It's not just about her not contributing to the household or being oblivious to the impact of her presence; it's about feeling like I'm suffocating under the weight of her problems.

Our relationship has taken a turn for the worst the last three months. Ever since she smacked me on the mouth for trying to help her with her baby. She apologized, and we both act as if we’re fine. But I’m not. I can’t stand it anymore hearing her say she regrets having her baby, all the while I’m trying so hard to get pregnant. I can’t stand her being so controlling and anxious about everything, having to go on tiptoes in my own house because loud noises make my sister-in-law jump and lash out. I would call her passive-aggressive if she didn’t have so many issues. I know she's been through hell and back, and I can't imagine the pain she must have endured with her ex. Because of this, I don’t dare to share my feelings with my husband. I can’t use the word “abuse”, it was my sister-in-law who was abused by her husband. If I only hint that her behavior is domestic abuse in my eyes, I’ll be called a heartless bitch and I probably will be a bitch in our friends’ opinion. But I feel that she is being mentally and verbally abusive towards me every single day, and I can’t excuse it for her depression or her temper tantrums anymore. When she hit me, my patience with her ran out. I can't stand domestic violence from anyone, especially not from my own sister-in-law. If she ever raises a hand on me again, I will tell my husband, that’s decided. I regret not telling him three months ago, but I feel that the moment is lost now. And would he even believe me? He'd think I’m exaggerating or making a big deal out of nothing.

I want to tell him how I feel, but I'm afraid. He's always been so selfless in his desire to help others. I married a freaking Robin Hood! Nobody told me his sister would come as a bonus. God, I feel guilty even for writing this… How can I possibly accuse my sister-in-law of being violent, aggressive, selfish, when she’s the victim? But at the same time, I can't keep living like this. I feel like I'm drowning.

I want her out of my house and my life. It feels immoral to think about asking her to leave when she has nowhere to go and with a child. But at the same time, I can't ignore the fact that her presence makes me neurotic. I don't know what to do. I feel torn between my duty and my own need for space and peace. I just wish there was a solution that doesn't make everything my fault.