Loss of Love and Loved One

Yesterday I was confronted with unexpected, devastating news of a loved one passing away from Lupus and it’s weighing heavy on me. I spent the morning journaling my thoughts and feelings but now I’m internally spiralling because I’m worried that could be me any day with me battling ailments of my own. I try not to think or verbalise it because I don’t want to worry others or accidentally speak anything on myself, but every day, in the back of my mind it scares me. It scares the hell out of me that any moment can be my last. While I have faith I’ll be okay for the time being, nothing’s set in stone.

Knowing this, it’s the reason I try to remain kind in every interaction had. It’s why I try to forgive and respond to things with compassion opposed to aggression. I want to leave a positive impact on someone, doesn’t matter how big or small. There’s already so much negativity in the world and kindness costs nothing. Universe forbid any malicious force prospers against me, but if anything happens today or tomorrow I can at least know I lived every day in a way that felt good to me; giving back to my community and others while trying to recover.

I wish I could speak with someone other than my therapist and physicians about my frustrations. There’s so much happening in my life I don’t publicly speak on but just because I’m resilient people don’t understand, someone being able to carry something doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy. Venting about my annoyances alleviate some of the heaviness, but taking action does me one better. There’s nothing I can do other than stay hopeful and that’s what I intend to do, but I’m being mindful in the process.