Reaching out for emotional support isn’t the problem, it’s people not understanding or making my situation about them that stops me. Thanks to therapy and support groups I was able to overcome parts of my struggle with hyper independence, but continuously receiving the response of others either affirming me in my resilience due to the approach I take when facing adversities or them having their own burdens, it prompts me to isolate.

I appreciate people commending my determination and ability to see the good in bad, but there are moments where I want to vent my frustrations without being reminded I’m “strong.” I know it’s done in good faith and most times it does help, however I rarely have the space to truly BREAK DOWN and feel everything in full. Because I still have difficulties being emotionally vulnerable, even with close loved ones, I will resort to texting the crisis line or other coping mechanisms before anything.

Whether I’m engaging in art therapy, journaling, breathing exercises or producing music to process and express what I’m feeling, it’s done because I’m yet to find someone who can provide emotional support in a way that’s satisfying for me. I know that I’m loved, cared for and supported by many people but that doesn’t change the loneliness I occasionally experience.

These past 2 almost 3 years it’s been me, myself and I. I’m constantly working, constantly looking out for myself. Of course I’ve had support from others that encouraged me to press on but on a deeper level, beside the one person I was forced to go no contact with, I’ve had no one. I’m beyond grateful for everything I have while working toward what I want, but I’m exhausted.

I’m tired of looking over my shoulder every 2 seconds because I’m still being stalked, I’m overwhelmed with continuously fighting the same issues and I’m exasperated with the lack of support. Even with how overworked I am I can’t cry and I hate it. I want to cry more than anything but because my body doesn’t feel safe enough it won’t let me. Truth be told I never expected living long enough to see adulthood because of bad my upbringing was but here I am.

Most days I wake up with hope in my heart and joy in my body. I choose to let love lead me and I extend kindness where I can. But there’s days like today where anxiety sits in my chest and fatigue has me feeling partially dissociated. I know today will be good because my partner and I are celebrating our anniversary by picking apples and making cider, and the week ahead is going to be just as great, but it’s processing the information of how progressively worse my health is getting and I have no one to confide in hurts.

Yesterday I was confronted with unexpected, devastating news of a loved one passing away from Lupus and it’s weighing heavy on me. I spent the morning journaling my thoughts and feelings but now I’m internally spiralling because I’m worried that could be me any day with me battling ailments of my own. I try not to think or verbalise it because I don’t want to worry others or accidentally speak anything on myself, but every day, in the back of my mind it scares me. It scares the hell out of me that any moment can be my last. While I have faith I’ll be okay for the time being, nothing’s set in stone.

Knowing this, it’s the reason I try to remain kind in every interaction had. It’s why I try to forgive and respond to things with compassion opposed to aggression. I want to leave a positive impact on someone, doesn’t matter how big or small. There’s already so much negativity in the world and kindness costs nothing. Universe forbid any malicious force prospers against me, but if anything happens today or tomorrow I can at least know I lived every day in a way that felt good to me; giving back to my community and others while trying to recover.

I wish I could speak with someone other than my therapist and physicians about my frustrations. There’s so much happening in my life I don’t publicly speak on but just because I’m resilient people don’t understand, someone being able to carry something doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy. Venting about my annoyances alleviate some of the heaviness, but taking action does me one better. There’s nothing I can do other than stay hopeful and that’s what I intend to do, but I’m being mindful in the process.

2 years ago I was navigating life on autopilot. I was steering with no real sense of direction or genuine care. I was drinking myself to death for fun and was complicit in what could've been changed with hard work and effort. But it was unknowingly meeting and briefly dating a covert narcissist that encouraged me to re-evaluate myself and get my shit together.

He traumatised me so badly it un-traumatised me. I cut liquor cold turkey, sought out professional help, started volunteering, joined support workshops, picked up boxing and began actively exercising. Now, I'm 2 years sober and no longer surviving but actually LIVING. I'm alive, present and thriving. I'm still ironing out a few creases but I'm sincerely happy to have all that I do while still working for what I want.

Next to being 2 years sober, November 14th will make 5 years last I self harmed. Sobriety and professional help has saved my life, next to volunteering and cultivating a healthier support system for myself. My skin is clear, my scars are fading, and I overall feel as good as I can for the situations I’m tackling. These past 2 years have had their ups and downs but 2024 is one of the best years of my life.

I’ve reached many milestones, achieved personal goals, met awesome people, and so much more. I’m thankful for everything this year has brought me, good and bad. I know that 2025 will be even better and I’m excited to ensure that for myself.

That’s why I’m sending so much love and strength to anyone who’s struggling right now. Whether you’re battling addiction, health complications, familial issues, trauma or anything in between, I want you to know that it does get better and you’re not alone. I know things feel impossible in the moment but please give yourself grace and know that recovery isn’t linear.

Try not to compare yourself to others with support systems and acknowledge that your best is enough. Understand that not all of your hardships aren’t your fault. It’s hard I know and I’m certain you’re tired, but you’ll power through. I hope that the rest of this year and next is good to you. 🎈

Guys,

hey.. how are you..

dont tell me I KNOW ❤️‍🩹

isn’t this a safe place for all of us ? right

As long as we do not hide here, i used to think that yapping about my unhealed part would heal it, talking about the traumas will make them vanish..😓

but thats not it.

i love how this platform brought about a totally DIFFERENT perspective of life to me in like no time..🌸

everyday i read alot of untold stories written by so emotionally hurt people who may not have said it to anyone otherwise…😢

iits like could feel them, and at this time i realised my problems are not as big as theirs,

theres always a bigger picture to look at isn’t there?

♥️

i mean..

alot of you are not from where i am, totally different people from the globe oh man thats not a small place to live in..

and

i can relate to them?💞

this is nothing but realization of fact that we are not alone in this, we get most hurt when we feel that we r suffering Alone😓..

I want you guys to see the picture like i did, grow beyond your trauma , think beyond your anxiety

as i always say start from small, make this hour your happiest hour ,

a happy hour to a happy day😀

to a happy week😃

to a happy month 😄

&

TO A HAPPY LIFE 😁

we are together in this 🤝🏻💞