my mom is still awful even when i'm vulnerable.
today i'm on my period but the symptoms are so bad i called my boss to say i couldn't come and felt so guilty but i really couldn't walk and i felt nauseous.
first i woke up really early so i didn't sleep a lot, because the pain was already hitting. i looked for my medication and there was none. anyone in house know i can't take pills i only go for effervessent ones, and there was none. it's not supposed to be missing, so it's as if it was on purpose... i took the pills but i chewed them to swallow it, i know you are not supposed to do that buy i just can't and tbh now i wonder if it just ruined the effect because well it didn't work and i just suffered all along despite the ibuprofen and i couldn't take anything else.
when my mom woke up and i told her what i took, she kinda got angry when i said there was not my usual medication, but like angry at me, first as if i lied and then as if it was my fault she didn't buy it (for context she impose on being the one buying things for the house).
she left the house saying she would buy me the medication, which is nice thank you for saving me, i just said before leaving can you handle me the water just next to you (as i said, can't walk) she said yes and didn't. ok can happen you think, it's not the same when it'sa narc parent.
well she came home with medication i just took right now and she said "i just bought you pears for you, for energy" which is very nice right? except when your in this family and you know it's a lie. because she insisted soooo hard saying it's for me that i almost couldn't find more words to say that i was grateful, it's almost like you're feeling you're not saying thank you enough and you have to find the right button to click on to praise the final boss.
and then she ate the pears right in front of me, as everytime. she pretends buying stuff for me and i end never seeing the color of it. and she was making sounds like "HMMMM DELICIOUS" it almost looked like taunting me as if she was 5.
suddenly i felt sleepy of course i didn't sleep enough so i left to nap in my room and boom, she suddenly have a lot of noise to make. but you know it's exaggerated noises, as if she was eating by playing drums with her fork on her plate, smashing doors etc, and hearing them so clearly while my room is UPSTAIRS so far enough just show how demonic she is for trying so hard. i was becoming crazy because she sleep depriving me, do you see how abusive it is? and i can't say anything she would gaslight me.
this morning i just gave her 250€ because she needed it to pay her taxes and i can't have peace in return.
but you know recently i had harsh nightmares about my mom.
when i was a kid i would have nightmares of her and her only, she was like mean when doing homeworks and if i was wrong something would hurt my body etc. but the two new i had? wow.
so tonight i dreamt i borrowed a game with little gold figurines, the rules was that they are magical by hiding themselves and you have to find them around the house. we were playing with my sister and we got all of them and put it on a kind of pedestal. then after few minutes doing smth else around the house, when i went back to it to store it it disappeared. i went crazy because i was SURE we put them there. my mom immediately accused me (just to know irl she snoops in my rooms and denies it so i was naturally mad my belonging disappeared after a defensive reaction as if she had smth to hide) i looked on internet since it was magic does it happen they hide again idk, and i discovered something, this game was apparently haunted, many people played it and since they didn't put back the figurines they died in the 3 days after. ofc i started to panic and my sister too who helped me, only my mom stayed mad at me, i didn't even know why. then... i noticed shapes in my mom's pocket. i said what's that, she got defensive i had to take it myself, she was hiding the figurines. the thing is apparently she tried to stole it to make money from it, she probably knew before me the value of the game, because i saw it myself when reading online but what was crazy is that she would literally let me her child die to get money???? and then i woke up.
last time i dreamed i cried alllll day because once again she crossed my boundaries and acted like i was the problem for being hurt. everyone in the house saw my pain. then she came to me to say "about you crying, i'm sorry... that YOU have a problem with me" once again like irl NEVER apologizing she was again attacking me. i exploded, i told her "what's wrong with you why can't you never admit your wro.gs, it's not because you ruined your life that you had to ruin other's" and i left to sleep. morning after my dad informed my my mom jumped thru the window, she wasn't dead but in a coma, no one talked about the reasons, i just cried in my corner not because it was sad, maybe not a lot of people will understand but only who got narc parents: i cried because i knew she did that because she couldn't admit again she was horrible she had to be the victim so purposely did this to make me feel guilty and pretend i was the monster.
i can't put here all she did but lemme tell you i had many suicidal thoughts because of her.
