Yesterday, a coworker was talking to me about his relationship with his boyfriend that I thought was sweet, but the more he detailed, the more my expression involuntarily fell at how unhealthy it sounded. When I asked how long he knew his partner and where they met, he told me they’ve known each other for a month and met on an app.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t believe in the “3 month rule.” When it comes to relationships, my “talking stage” is 7-9 months because 3 months isn’t enough time to know a person. For me, it’s not about knowing whether or not I like someone, it’s actually getting to know them as a person and becoming friends before the relationship. Until I’ve seen a person when they’re happy, sad, mad; around their friends, family, coworkers and colleagues; their conflict resolution skills or how they function when drunk/high, I won’t establish anything.

Everyone’s personality changes in different settings, groups, when under the influence, etc but it depends on how drastic that change is. The last time I initiated a relationship with someone I met within a month’s time, he turned out to be a covert narcissist with a history of domestic violence. That “relationship” ended in me receiving an influx of trauma related diagnoses, filing an emergency order of protection, having to LEGALLY change my name, delete half my media and go no contact with a loved one because him stalking us gave them C-PTSD.

Since that situation I’ve actively been in therapy, support workshops and stepped away from the dating scene because I want to better myself, for myself, before my loved ones and the next person I date in the future. While my situation is extreme, it’s just scary to me how people initiate relationships without taking certain things into consideration? I know everyone navigates differently and if things work for them, awesome! I love seeing happy and healthy partnerships because it gives me motivation to continue building my own, I just couldn’t see me doing it abiding the “3 month rule.”

A few months ago my conceiver sprung on me that we may have to take care of a distant relative and she’s calling me “selfish” for being upset about it.

For a little bit of background and context, I don’t have a good relationship with ANY of my relatives and consider myself estranged. At my earliest convenience I intend to go no contact because they’re everything from abusive to racist, shallow and self-centred, narcissistic and mentally/emotionally unsafe to be around. The only relatives I have contact with are immediate; the woman who birthed me, an older sibling, and 2 nieces and a nephew. Besides my conceiver, I keep VERY minimal contact with my older sibling and his kids, though I try to be more cordial and open with them.

The relative in question is a young girl who I believe to be no older than 10 but is a child of my conceiver’s brother. My conceiver’s brother is an abuser. A CRIMINAL with a record of repeated offences; everything from robbery, battery, assault, substance use/distribution and domestic violence. He has WELL over 10 kids, all with different women because he’s a deadbeat recidivist and has no intention of being there for any of the families he’s started. In the past he’s lived on and off with me and my conceiver which frequently resulted in fights; either between him and his partners or him and my conceiver. It’s gotten so bad that the cops had to be called multiple times.

Because he’s refusing to claim his daughter and her mother was sexually abusing her, her mother also being a drug addict and refusing to claim her, the system she’s in is looking to have relatives take custody of her. Unfortunately none of my other relatives can (or want to) and my conceiver has decided to make us carry the burden, and it bothers me.

It upsets me because while I empathise with her situation, we aren’t in a position to take care of another person when we can barely take care of ourselves. We don’t live in a safe neighbourhood, we’re in the process of filing an EOP against our neighbour who’s been threatening/harassing us for YEARS, and I’m STILL dealing with stalkers after being doxxed on social media 2 years ago. Additionally, me and my conceiver work full time and won’t be able to supervise her. Understandably she has additional accommodations because of her trauma which isn’t an issue, at least not for me since I’m in therapy and overcoming my own issues, but the other issue is I’m in the process of receiving gender affirming care (GAC) and will undergo surgery soon. I’m looking for someone to take care of me myself because I’ll be immobile and unable to work and I don’t trust my abusive conceiver to.

Overall, I’m not upset at the girl but my conceiver because she’s taking on more than she can handle and it’s going to impact me in ways I refuse to allow. My conceiver is conscious of all of this yet she’s still pushing to take custody. It also pisses me off because she’s not someone you can safely be vulnerable around and I fear she’s going to worsen both me and this girl’s mental health. And at the risk of sounding selfish, I’m not putting anything I’ve planned on hold to accommodate an issue my conceiver unnecessarily created. I know that’s going to create conflict but I don’t care, she knows it’s unsafe to bring this poor child into our living situation but she’s doing it because we’re relatives. Respectfully, it’s not our burden to shoulder and re-traumatising her isn’t worth it!

The heartbreaking thing about loving an avoidant as someone with a more secure attachment style is that you have to do it from afar to preserve your own mental and emotional wellbeing.

6 years ago when I had the avoidant attachment style myself, I unexpectedly entered a relationship with a childhood friend who’s now the ex best friend of my older relative. He was also my first crush. The funny thing about it is his little sister was MY best friend because SHE had a crush on MY sibling. His family was close to mine so frequently we hung out, in and out of school settings. Commonality aside, the four of us bonded because we were bullied for our interests.

In July of 2019, we started getting closer before I eventually, impulsively initiated a relationship. It didn’t last for a variety of reasons; we were both immature, I was avoidant, and overall didn’t have the appreciation for anything then like I do today. I’ve blocked and disassociated from him a few times but it wasn’t until summer 2022 we reconnected and he confessed having feelings and being in love with me. I was taken aback since in our younger years, he declined my advances and made it apparent he wasn’t attracted to me.

We had a long and deep conversation about it and cleared everything up. Come winter of 2022 we reconnected after a brief silence from both parties. This came about post me escaping an abusive relationship and taking legal action against my assailant. Having been in therapy and support workshops for approximately 4 months at the time, I’ve already transitioned into a more secure attachment style where I attempted to initiate another relationship but more INTENTIONALLY. Unfortunately, after experiencing a traumatising relationship himself, he became avoidant so the rekindling didn’t last.

There was radio silence between us from January 2023 until July 2023 where I messaged him. From July to September we’ve been on and off in contact until finally, he stopped replying. In the times we’ve held space it was spent playing games, checking in with one another, sharing artistic projects we’ve completed or are working on, being intimate and overall enjoying each other’s company.

In the times I visited, I would always gift him poems, love letters, protection charms, or mini care packages. Aside being avoidant, I know he suffers from extreme depression and anxiety so I would also check in when I could. From what I recall, he hasn’t opened any of the affirmation letters I gifted him but I know he keeps them in a treasure box of things that see important to him which means so much to me. Just before we lost contact I wanted to give him one final card but I haven’t heard from him since September 2023.

As a former avoidant I understand I’ve overwhelmed him and want to respect his need for space, but I also wish I had the opportunity to hear what he wanted to tell me after briefly informing me he finally took me up on seeking professional help. I have so much love and care for him and hope that he’s well, and I hope that he believed me when I said, “I don’t give up on people I love.” and that he’ll never successfully push me away. I respect myself enough to do better and not cling onto unhealthy connections, but being a former avoidant myself I’m aware of how they navigate.

A lot of people hate avoidants because of their attachment style and coping mechanisms, and I don’t fault them. It’s only easier for me to be compassionate because I’m more secure and was in that position myself. I want to reach out to him so bad but I’ll leave things as they are and will continue wishing him well from afar.

So there was a guy i met.... I used to see him when i was a kid due to same surroundings one day i saw him in my school he was 3 years older then me i started to fall in love with him then we started talking and then he started loving me back we came into relationship i am born in a strict family i didn't had phone till class 11th so at that time i was in 9th i managed and started to talk to him on phone and texts one day my family saw it the started to hit me and they said i would continue going college or anywhere i then tried suiciding by knife and then i got saved by doctor thenn till now nobody talks to me at home treats me like a stranger and everything feeeel messed up that guy is always been with me then i tried finding ways again bought a phone by my own my parents saw the phone they beaten me then i tried talking in other other ways and always got caught now when i have phone i can't use it at night and i have restrictions i can't meeet that guy and my siblings don't talk to me i feeel all alone