Idk how I start I'm just confused with everything right now what is good what is bad everything is messed in itself. There is only peer and pressure in all kind of works I do here specially my school is going to reopen which depressing me somewhere inside. I have bad childhood experiences in school and it goes now to because of bad environment such as toxic environment and bully. I suffer from severe loniness there and pass a single second in fear and wait that when it will end. After walking miles in sun with like 30 to 40 pounds of bag I reach home and here already abusive environment be there. In the name of motivation I get motivated like if in life I didn't achieved anything good in coming 4 to 6 years then I'm failure and I'll be of no where. Homework pressure is already there specially on me because i maintain the profile of good student in school so all works on time is most important there. Other hand my maths weak so daily hours of practise and extra maths classes make all more worse to manage time. I know right now I'm feeling cry to write this all because how much I'm writing vs how much things are going in my mind is not possible to frame in words. Everyone say I'm good girl because of being that good girl all the time I've lossed myself. Somehow I daily wake up and wait to go on bed again. Best memories of life is coming which making me more cry..

My whole head is paining dancing as hell. After that when I share about little bit about myself so they all expect me to be calm silent and meditate. That makes me more cry to realise that no one is really able to understand me because things would be that easy then I would have done already my bestest. In 24 hrs i somehow manage to get 4 to 5 hrs sleep on a day rest time goes in school then extra works of school and extra classes at last I don't get time to open books to do self study and parents who keep heavy expecations that I do self study for hours. Due to walking that much my body be already tired mentally I already be absent somehow physically I wake up forcefully for 7 to 8 hours to manage all after doing that much I get to listen hardwork I never do, effort only I never apply instead energy is needed for every single activity and my Energy dies then to I forcefully go hard on self because that be only 1 and last option to do so and handle somehow. Strange grief anixety tension and stress is bounding me right now without any reason sometimes I cry sometimes I feel like what happened to me that I'm crying as hell. Everyone keeps over heavy expecations from me. Life I living like a fish is trying to climb a tree instead of swimming in water. Most of time I be alone because no one talks to me or can be said my life is more like an orphan or worse than a orphan. Focusing on self, focusing on situations and unexpected outcomes breaks me more.when I sit to meditate then ptsd and whole stress starts popping mind and I not be able to do so for long. Life is busy as hell. Saving time to do anything extra is not possible in my case.

My boyfriend behaves very contradictory.... I am sure that we love each other very much, BUT! We also suffer from each other...my suffering is so strong that I sometimes do not want to live....Sometimes we have everything perfect...like in a book...he says the most delightful words, gives me gifts, affectionate and caring, says "I love you more than life...you are perfect...goddess...". I'm just happy. I'm the envy of all my friends. But then, all of a sudden, he becomes a "horror." Why, I don't understand. He says all kinds of mean things to me. He says that if it weren't for him, I'd be "stupid", I'd be gone, that I ruined his whole life and he hates me, "ungrateful" and more bad words that are uncomfortable to write here. It's really painful to listen to. I'm crying. I'm hysterical, I can't eat or sleep. His previous behavior has nothing to do with it. I walk away from him at times like this, stop communicating, and end the relationship. I think I'm done for good. But! In 2 weeks he comes, he is on his knees, says that he is "guilty", that he does not think so, that he does not know what is happening to him...gives expensive gifts and I myself do not have time to realize how we are together again. And I'm a goddess again. And he is pathetic, he justifies himself with bad childhood, that he has not seen normal family relationships, that he "comes on" after the trauma, etc. It's impossible to live like that. I believe and believe again.... and then everything comes back again. If we're good for a couple weeks, it "starts". If I'm happy, he's sure to ruin my mood by saying "gross". Or he just disappears without saying anything. I cry, looking for him, my heart hurts. And when I am completely "done", he shows up as if nothing had happened, kind and loving: "how I missed you" and explains that he was "depressed". When I argue that this is not the way to act, he takes offense, accusing me of criticizing him, not understanding him, and picking on him, exaggerating everything, hurting him. I already think I'm going crazy, I'm doing something wrong...But what? I can't leave him, I realized I depend on our "honeymoon weeks", he is family and close. He tells me "either accept me for who I am or leave". One time I was about to leave and he said, " I thought you loved me for real...but you're using me", after saying that, I couldn't leave. And it all started again.... Each time my psyche got worse. I became weak, depressive, hysterical... My psyche is shaken. And I can't leave...

My hands are literally shaking while i am writing this , today I came to know that I have missed my test which was on 7th and no one have even asked me because I have no friends here no one to talk too , one that friend asked me whom I doesn't like and something happens now and I think he will too don't talk to me now , I don't care but no one is my friend here except him , I really want to cry hard , shout loud.Getting irritated over small things which are not going as I want.I have no energy to bear more problems , more stress.Always end up

having some misunderstanding.

Didn't attend director's class , and now it's on Wednesday

I don't know , why everything bad happens with me only .

I wish I could write everything here , because it's effecting me inside like a burden , like a heavy weight to in my chest. I can't understand what's happening

My wife left me! Out of the blue! She left me for her parents. We didn't quarrel at all! We have a small child. We wanted him for so many years. And when he was finally born, she left. It all started with her parents, who started helping us during her pregnancy. She started to drift away from me. When the baby was born, we moved in with her parents--they have a big house. Her parents were willing and helped a lot with the baby. And when I came home from work, I felt like an empty place. My mother-in-law immediately began to emphasize in conversations that I was not a father, I did not take care of the child. But I wanted to do it. Seeing all this, I made a strong-willed decision, as the head of the family, that we were moving to my home. we also have not a small apartment. For a while after the move, our relationship got better. But my wife's parents took offense. I somehow smoothed out the conflict, and now we just come to visit my parents on weekends. I think I did a good job and everything was fine. But! I missed the period when everything went wrong. There were a lot of problems at my work, I went into them, and ..... again saw that my wife is at her parents. Then we started talking, that feelings passed, but "it seems and did not pass"...and all, my wife now lives with her parents, and I'm alone. What happened, I don't know.