Boyfriend convinced me to go to the swimming pool with him in a bikini swimsuit. I haven’t done it for many years, and it was painful. As a teenager, I self-harmed a lot, and the scars on my forearm and my right leg never healed completely. They draw attention, even though I tried to make them less visible. I find myself feeling uneasy whenever I have to wear anything that even slightly reveals my scars, especially on the arms, where they can’t be for any normal reasons. For years I’ve been wearing hoodies and a long-sleeved swimsuit just because I don’t want to deal with explanations. My boyfriend has seen them all many times, and he can’t understand what’s so horrible. He told me he likes me with all my imperfections, and I love him for that. But other people ask things like, "Oh, what’s happened to you” each time I allow myself to wear a T-shirt in the summer.
The same thing happened this time, of course. We came across my boyfriend’s pals in the gym, and one of them stared at my forearm, then made a comment about not knowing we liked it rough. It was so intrusive! My boyfriend laughed in reply, and then spent the next ten minutes being nice to me, as he saw the look on my face…
I know self-injury is taboo, but I’d prefer people not to stare, especially not to ask stupid questions or make tasteless comments. Most people are probably just curious, but it's a sensitive topic that I'm not comfortable discussing. These scars serve as a constant reminder of the pain I once went through. It's not something I like to dwell on, nor do I want to relive those moments. I’ll have to hide these ugly marks for the rest of my life. That guy might never see me again, but I’ll always remember what he said. And I told my boyfriend I'd never wear a bikini again. I wish people would understand that it's a deeply personal and difficult subject. I'm trying to move forward and heal, but these reminders make it impossible to let go. I wonder if I am the only one caring about my scars so much?
