i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.

it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.

i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.

it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.

everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.

the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.

the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.

i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.

idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.

after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do

but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.

first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.

when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.

in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.

i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.

people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?

but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???

or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.

i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.

tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.

what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.

i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?

My dad is 45 around and he is having an affair with his colleague i found out in 2014 and i don't know how much before it started

He always deletes the messages he sends to her always deletes call history I don't know what to do in it can anybody give any suggestions

It doesn't ends here

There's a twist in it too

There's also another women he is having an affair with it but I doubt about that the girl on other side calls him brother but my dad does same here too deletes all messages and call logs and even also saves her name with some random guy name and talks with her for hours

Also here's a twist too

My mom knows all of this things but she doesn't raises a voice against him I don't know why

And when I talked this thing to my grandfather he supports my father's decision and says we have to stay mum

My mother does every things to make our financial condition better and my father goes in job but not earns that much

SOMEBODY'S GOTTA HELP ME

Me and my boyfriend are dating since 5 years , everything was fine in the first year , but later on he started loose intrest in me , he never treated me like I was his gf , i always felt lonely around him , we study in same college but different department postings , we usually meet when we have breakfast and lunch but he'll accompanied by his friends, he totally forgets that I'm with him , and even in the evening he hardly spends for 5 mins , when i ask him for time he always says i shld be happy with wt time he gave me , I never asked him for anything except for his time and talk, I got so fed up thought to break up , but he didn't let me go . His behaviour kept becoming worse he Started to abuse, we had two sever fights i slapped him and bet me so hard the got blood clot in my skin had headache for 4 days , when I tell him anything about how I feel , he kept saying I'm a good boyfriend, I do ntg for u , and so on .. he gave frns from his school who went to same tusion with him , idk anything about her she stay 400 miles away from us , I know that he text with her , but everytime I see the chat history will be deleted with her , the phone call history too , recently there was a chat he forgot to delete in that he asked her can he call . I asked him about that that he got offended we had a fight about y he kept on deleting the chat , if there was ntg to be afraid and normal chat y would I be mad , he told me he'll stop deleting the chats , but he did it again today, when I asked him about that y he deleted the chat he started speaking about how he's loyal to me no one will be loyal , he's not cheating and I don't deserve loyal boyfriend and so on , again i told him im not asking about texting her I'm asking about y he deleted the chat even after he told he won't , he always lied and manipulates me but this time it was so obvious, he started to bad mouth me , he even told I shld suicide that ppl around me can be in peace , i don't let him to be in peace , he doesn't care about me and my fellings , when ever we had fight, i get hurt he tell me to let go off it , but I can't coz I got hurt so badly by the person I loved , the next day or the very next moment he comes and talks to me as ntg happened between us , and past few months we never had a proper love conversation , when ever we are together i prefer to talk to spend quality time , but he's behind sex , he never talk to me with love or affection how can he expect me to be okay when he asked for sex , he gets angry about that too , so because my behaviour he sayshe lost peace in his life , I know I'm not perfect but I'm not bad to be told to die ..

My slow ADHD kid is gonna drive me crazy. My child has ADHD, and I came across an article about it. I want to share my experience with you. People often assume kids with ADHD are always hyperactive, but that's not the case for my child. In fact, my child sits all day or sleeps. It makes me sad to see him struggle, but we're working on finding ways to help him. He completes his school assignments at a sluggish pace and becomes fatigued rapidly. For instance, when it's time for homework, my child often just stares off into space. I have to work hard to keep his focus on the lessons. Even when we finally get started on the assignments, he gets tired very quickly. That's all. It's difficult for my child to concentrate in school, as he tends to daydream or doze off during classes. There's no point in hurrying. Scolding doesn't work. The child cries, which makes it impossible to continue with homework or engage them in the task. They cry for a while and then fall asleep. I'm unsure how to motivate them to study in school. He enjoys playing games on his cellphone, but after an hour of playing, he has outbursts. I'm having tantrums, too. I cry too. I can slap the baby. I'm ashamed of it. Then my husband comes and starts yelling at the child for not doing his homework. The child can do some of the assignments still. The next day he doesn't remember almost everything we taught him at home. He gets low grades at school. I don't know what to do anymore.