Hi

I know even if I or those in this journey write a thousand post it won't be enough to share the whole experience and ongoing journey but here i am trying to find people who can truly understand.

So I am 20 now . So after few years of self harming and thinking about my childhood abuse and experiencing that again when I was 16 i thought I won't die like this yes I will one day but not before giving back to my parents. Fast forward to my first psychiatrist he diagnosed me with major depressive disorder and i experienced hallucinations like those things inside my head or things i could feel now became real and I got worst then i had to drop out for a year. Few mons after the new doctor said it's bipolar just take antidepressants and lithium you would be fine well guess what I wasn't getting better I was numb and emotionally blocked then few mons after they also said just continue your medications it's normal but I felt horrible like it was better to feel than be numb after that i went to study outside my hometown and got in touch with the best doctor of my life she help me till last year I was constantly changing meds but it worked and then my system crashed my body couldn't take any more of lithium or its substitute I had bad tremors so I got scared cause i was never good in anything else than studies cause I never invested time on anything else so I was afraid of not being able to hold my pen like sure after 10th I never studied like I used too or couldn't but that is my only option of a better future I don't wanna be a housewife so i stopped my meds I am preparing for neet medical entrance exam in India this is the first year I could study yes I have fallouts days i feel unproductive days i wanna scroll my phone whole day days but I am trying even if it is only one step I am not afraid of failure anymore and my lord is with me helping me take it.

Sorry for making it so long and thank you for reading it

. But I am proud for even if it is the first step .

I apologize if I’m not using this for the right purpose. I’m so desperate 😞

My second therapist dumped me this morning, saying something completely rubbish about not being able to help me. Am I such a bad person to work with? Is my diagnosis so rare or horrible? I’ve been diagnosed with an unspecified dissociative disorder. Later on, my second therapist, who now dumped me, called it dissociative identity disorder (DID). It’s been very stressful to live with it for the last fifteen years. For anyone who doesn’t know what it is, it feels like having different people inside of me, each taking over when I can't handle certain emotions. There's the Childlike version of myself that emerges when I'm feeling shy or vulnerable. As if I regress to a younger, more innocent version of myself. It reflects the part of me that was deeply affected by the traumatic events of my childhood. Then there's Misery, who shows up when I'm upset or sad. This part of me feels like inner paralysis, lacking emotions and making me feel numb. Lastly, there's Mania – that’s how my second therapist called it. I used to call it Party Person. It appears when I'm feeling extremely high-spirited and carefree. This version of me is wild, wearing clothes I wouldn't normally choose, indulging in excessive drinking and smoking, and sometimes doing things I wouldn't do otherwise. When a different personality takes over, I completely black out, and I have no memory of what happens when one of my other identities manifests itself. I’m almost totally losing control of my own self. This used to be very frightening and disorienting, especially when I "came back" and realized that I'd switched to a different identity without any recollection. Over time, through therapy with my first doc, I’ve learned to control the manifestations of my different personalities to some degree. I can recognize the signs of an impending switch and get prepared for it. It’s being hard to accept myself like this, but I’ve learned to coexist with all the other identities. I largely attribute my success in coping with this to my therapy, and I’m devastated that I need to search for another therapist *again*! Is it typical for therapists to say they can do nothing for you? It reinforces my feeling of being a bother to everyone... I’ve actually cried this whole day...

Letting go gets easier every day the more I acknowledge and accept that nothing in life is truly mine. Everything is an experience that exists to teach me and it’s up to me to either learn or remain ignorant. To be rich in spirit than wealthy with materials is the greatest form of prosperity and that’s all I strive to achieve for myself.

With me working full time now, I found myself anxious and disheartened at my inability to volunteer as regularly as I had when I was part time. I’m continuously trying to establish that balance between priority and pleasure but even having a routine, not being able to actively serve a community that’s a second home to me breaks my heart. However, upon learning about the ego and the discoveries helping reframe my perspective, it’s taught me something.

While I’m grateful the advocacy I’ve done (and will continue to do) doesn’t stem from wanting to enhance my self image, I found that the upset is because I see the pantry I work for as an extension of myself since its values and mission statement align with community goals I’ve worked towards. I’m not denying I’m still upset being unable to volunteer, but knowing I can always return when my schedule allows brings me peace.

Even if I can’t return, accepting that and acknowledging it was an amazing experience I had the pleasure of living is okay with me too. The peace I’m experiencing with this realisation is liberating, and I hope that even with whatever remaining anxieties I experience, I’ll learn from it too.

Recently, i decided to plan on transferring to a different university, but the schools' calendar weren't aligned. I feel really sick that I have to accept that there's a 90% that I won't get accepted and I have to continue studying at my current university, wherein it has a toxic environment and professors. I am poor so I have to rely on these state universities that offers free education, however I'm not really that smart to be accepted so I have limited options. I feel really sad and it affects my self-esteem not being able to study in a great university wherein I can grow. I fear that I have to force myself to study in my current university.

Because of my financial situation, I decided to apply for work and I got really anxious about the job interview. I overthink about not being able to pass due to my confidence. I was so anxious that my stomach continuously hurt as if the butterflies in my stomach are having a feast there. It made me feel very nauseous and i had to take a few deep breaths to stop these feelings. I am unable to have my interview to day, which means that I should expect more worse thing to happen in the next few days because I might be more anxious than I was today.

Because of these happenings, I got a really low self esteem, in which everytime an opportunity comes to me, I automatically assume that I won't get it or I would probably fail. It's making me feel nauseous just thinking about what can happen in these kind of situations.