4 yrs being diagnosed with bipolar

Hi

I know even if I or those in this journey write a thousand post it won't be enough to share the whole experience and ongoing journey but here i am trying to find people who can truly understand.

So I am 20 now . So after few years of self harming and thinking about my childhood abuse and experiencing that again when I was 16 i thought I won't die like this yes I will one day but not before giving back to my parents. Fast forward to my first psychiatrist he diagnosed me with major depressive disorder and i experienced hallucinations like those things inside my head or things i could feel now became real and I got worst then i had to drop out for a year. Few mons after the new doctor said it's bipolar just take antidepressants and lithium you would be fine well guess what I wasn't getting better I was numb and emotionally blocked then few mons after they also said just continue your medications it's normal but I felt horrible like it was better to feel than be numb after that i went to study outside my hometown and got in touch with the best doctor of my life she help me till last year I was constantly changing meds but it worked and then my system crashed my body couldn't take any more of lithium or its substitute I had bad tremors so I got scared cause i was never good in anything else than studies cause I never invested time on anything else so I was afraid of not being able to hold my pen like sure after 10th I never studied like I used too or couldn't but that is my only option of a better future I don't wanna be a housewife so i stopped my meds I am preparing for neet medical entrance exam in India this is the first year I could study yes I have fallouts days i feel unproductive days i wanna scroll my phone whole day days but I am trying even if it is only one step I am not afraid of failure anymore and my lord is with me helping me take it.

Sorry for making it so long and thank you for reading it

. But I am proud for even if it is the first step .