2 almost 3 months ago in March, I shared a long winded post about my former romantic interest, seeking advice on how to accommodate his “condition”, and barely a month later uploaded another detailing how I broke things off.
This 37 almost 38 year old man played in my face for 7 months. Took advantage of my kindness and willingness to accommodate his circumstances because I try to be understanding, and after thinking I FINALLY heard the last of him in April when I “ghosted” (since blocking him 7-8 times wasn’t clear enough that we’re over), he somehow found and reached out to me yesterday.
Much like in previous encounters, he’d “apologise” and love-bomb me. Unfortunately for him, my attachment is nonexistent. The same way I cut off an ex who I love dearly but separated myself because of his avoidant attachment, I’m doing the same to him. Because the thing is, I feel like this is the universe testing to see if I’ve learned my lesson, and the answer is yes.
I’m not going to reconnect with anyone who isn’t bringing peace and clarity to my life when I’m creating liberty and stability for myself, I rebuke the chaos and calamity. I have so much love for people, even those who’ve hurt and wronged me, but apologies can’t fix everything, especially with unchanged behaviour.
Neither the avoidant or this former romantic interest’s situation have changed and if I allow them into my life they’re going to cause turbulence. Sometimes boundaries is enough, other times they aren’t. Boundaries with either party wouldn’t be enough, no contact is necessary and that’s the route I’m taking.
I would rather long for someone and reminisce than to be in contact and feel drained.
I actually can relate in a way but I'm ace and aromantic. The thing is, I'm totally okay with it now. I've got amazing friendship bonds and it's really all I need in my life. But, and there's always a but, it does get tricky sometimes. Especially when someone starts hitting on me. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, oh boy, do I feel anxious! I'm just not good at turning people down. And you know what's even worse? Before I accepted myself as ace and aromantic, I used to force myself to date. I'd go out one on one with someone who was interested in me. It was so uncomfortable. It just wasn't for me. Now I’m more comfortable with saying no and that has made life easier for me. So in my opinion (as a person who struggled with boundaries) you did a good job of standing up for your boundaries.
@abcd as someone who’s also aromantic asexual, before I discovered this I also forced myself to date so I relate to you in that aspect. I did it despite my discomfort because I was told “it’s the normal thing to do” and thought “I should want this” like every one else. I was also very sex repulsed and touch averse. Accepting my asexuality-aromanticism came a lot easier when I stopped forcing myself into uncomfortable situations and started creating boundaries while in intimate spaces. Most people don’t believe I’m aro/ace because of misinformation surrounding the labels but I’m not here to be understood by others, however I do appreciate the commencement on asserting boundaries!
Having boundaries as an aro/ace is twice as important because a lot of people will try to “change” or “fix” you, being disbelieving of someone experiencing little to no sexual attraction. It’s incredibly refreshing to meet another aro/ace so colour me surprised!
@Mitchel I totally get what you're saying about people not believing you, it's happened to me too. A lot of people have this weird misconception that if you don't feel sexual or romantic attraction, there must be something wrong with you. I've had some people try to fix me or tell me that I just haven't met the right person yet. It's so frustrating! Sometimes, it's worse than just disbelief. Some people pretend that we're psychopaths or something. It's as if they can't comprehend that people can be different and that's okay. But honestly, I've learned to just let it go. I know who I am, and I don't need anyone else's validation to feel okay about myself.
@abcd everything you detailed is exactly what I’ve heard and unfortunately experienced myself. I call it the “asexual experience”, but you’re right about learning to let it go. Sometimes that’s the best we can do. It’s unfortunate but it is what it is.
Wow. It's like every time you turn around, there's another person from your past. I know it is stressful. It would stress me out
In times like these, self-care becomes more important than ever. Make sure you're taking the time to do things that make you happy, that help you relax and unwind. Prioritize your mental and emotional health. It's okay to say no and it's okay to put yourself first. You are important!
@xoxo I thought the same thing but I think it’s just the universe testing to see if I’ve learned my lesson. The stress I experienced then, doesn’t exist within me now because I’m seeing and accepting things for what they are.
since blocking and disconnecting from them both I’ve continuously poured into myself through exercising, staying hydrated and indulging in hobbies that channel my creativity. 🎈
I appreciate your words of encouragement and positive energy, thank you! ♥️
I know what it’s like to feel drained, to be constantly dealing with the ghosts of the past, it's exhausting. My ex can’t let go of me and sometimes (once or more a month) writes long paragraphs despite me telling her that it’s over. She just creates different accounts and terrorizes me. The pain and confusion can be overwhelming at times. I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. Hope yours is not that petty. It's not an easy journey but I’m sure we’ll get over it.
@khayes892 it doesn’t sound like she has a problem “letting go”, she sounds like a stalker and is harassing you. I hope she leaves you alone soon but if not, and I hope this isn’t rude or disrespectful of me to suggest, please consider taking legal action. I’ve had situations where it started out like that, and the longer I ignored it the worse it became. Definitely be safe to the best of your ability, I’m protected and doing well now that they’re both blocked.
@Mitchel I really appreciate your response. You're right, it does feel like she's stalking. On one hand, I just want to get on with my life and try to forget about her. But, on the other hand, she keeps popping up and it's really hard to ignore. I mean, I've tried. I've tried so many times to just cut her out and move on, but she always finds a way back in.
The idea of taking legal action has crossed my mind, but it's not something I want to do lightly. It's a big step and it feels like it would just prolong the whole thing. It's not that I'm afraid of the process or anything, it's just that it feels like it would be giving her even more of my energy and attention, which is exactly what I don't want to do.
I think at the end of the day, what I want most is to put all of this behind me. I want to be able to move on with my life without constantly looking over my shoulder. And, to be honest, I feel like taking legal action would just keep all of this in the forefront of my mind, which is the last thing I want.
I agree with you though, there comes a point where enough is enough. If she's still doing this by the end of the summer, I think I'll have to reconsider my options. I can't keep letting her disrupt my life like this. It's not fair to me and it's not healthy.
I'm just hoping that she'll get tired of it and move on. But if not I guess I'll have to do whatever it takes to protect myself. It's not an easy decision to make, but at the end of the day, I have to do what's best for me. I appreciate your advice and I'll definitely keep it in mind.
@khayes892 Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I understand how difficult it must be to deal with a situation like this. It's understandable that you want to move on and not let this person continue to disrupt your life. It's a tough decision whether to take legal action or not, and there's no one-size-fits-all solution. It's important to weigh the pros and cons of each choice and consider what's best for you in the long run. No matter what path you choose, I hope that you can find closure and peace soon.