i am 26yo, and ive been going through depression for almost 1 year, im blaming myself for anything bad is happening in my life, i couldnt achieve my goals yet and regret many things i did and didnt do, and i hate myself for this, i am mentally consumed, i cutt off my friends everyone and just isolated my self from the world, i want to do alot of things in my life but my inner self just keep telling me that its too late and i cant do this or anything! Instead i just stay at my room everyday not sleeping well or eating well not motivated to do anything, and tired, i been having delusions, and get panic attacks and anxiaty, whenever i think about my future i lost hope and meaning/purpose of life, i didnt seek help from anyone, i used to live alone, but when i graduated i moved back to my parents house, i thought that my family are the ones suppose to help me through anything, the only person i rely on and consider as my safe place is my mom, i dont have a good relation with my dad and i dont rely on him, but my mom is narcissist and kinda toxic, at my lowest i felt abandoned by her she made my mental health even worst since i moved in, i have a hateful sister that she always feel threatend by me for some reason, she always fake her attitude and her treatment so she can appear as the favorite daughter, and to do so she always have to bring me down and cause me problems with my parents and humiliate me infront of people and her friends, so they would hate me and love her more!! Cuz of my depression i became less tolerating and more violant, so she knows how to get on my nerves everytime she is home, and my parents alwyas on her side they just dont care about my mental health or what i am going through they always blame me for anything and i am always the bad person, i grew up in a toxic enviorenement where there is verbal violance and even physical, now i came to the degree that when i am furious i cant control myself what i say or do i just hurt myself to feel relieved and say mean things, iam scared that i would kill myself one day, i even left the house once, and my mom faint and went to hospital cuz she was scared i would do something harmful to myself then i came back home hoping that things will change no matter how much i communicate about everything with her she just keeps bring me down and as long as my sister in my life, she will always make my life miserable, i cant even focus on myself while living in a toxic house, and i cant live alone rn cuz iam currently unemployed, i love my family no matter how they are or how they treat me but iam so tired they ruining my life as it is already falling apart, idk what to do or where to start,i feel alone without any support, Pls praay for me to get my life on track, i really dont want to live the rest of life like this or do something i will regret!!
I am so sorry to hear that. I understand you. I will suggest you to show up for yourself. Do not let your negative thoughts win over you. You are more than this my friend. Go out there and hold gratitude for everything you have, from air to breath to food you eat, from clothes to wear to roof to live under. Try meditating, physical movement and journaling too, jotting it all down helps a lot. I hope this helps.
suicide is never an option my friend. It doesn't solve your problem it ends your problem with your life too. we all have felt this way someway or the other. find yourself ways to keep you happy like activities which motivate you. let them fuel you with positivity. use that positivity to pursue some deep work which will improve your skill.
Please stop living in past, that'll just hinder your energy to heal and get better. Start believing in yourself all over again. Join gym maybe that'll help you getting some positive energy.
I understand so many situations just come on our plate uninvited, which definitely slows us down, make us wanting to have a break from all this, which is normal we all need break sometime or the other, but it's called break for a reason , you have to get back to the normal at the end, and return back to that work after vacation. Whatever happened is a lesson and a reason to understand life better and to also teach you to give yourself a break, but also to fuel you with and energy and enthusiasm of getting back with normal life again. Do not give attention to what have left your life, maybe it was never meant to be there, and if it went , maybe that is what was destined by god. Accept whatever comes along.
Just motivation and our suggestions won't help you. Just visit therapist and take anti-depression medicine. You will become calm and stable by medicine. Meantime search new job and new partner also. After that stop medicine. If won't follow this you are going to be messedup more. Your unrestness and depression will endup at disorder. Mostly Bipolar.