Have you tried talking to your husband about the whole situation in general, and how it makes _you_ feel, regardless of the feelings of that Mary? Your feelings matter. Discussing boundaries and expectations in their friendship can help bring clarity and understanding to the situation. Basically, it’s not even important whether she has feelings for your husband or not. Your husband should care about your concerns and not only about his long-time friendship.
Ugh! I hate these “female friends” situations so much! I don’t believe males and females can truly be friends, unless they’re relatives. And especially when one or both are in a relationship! When I was dating men before I met my husband, I asked everyone about their friends, and if the man told me he had many female friends, I always considered it a red flag. Luckily, my husband keeps in touch only with his college friends, all of whom are males, and with families. Personally, I think if such a friend steps over the line, you have the right to put her in her place. I wouldn’t further discuss this with your husband for now, but do not allow that girl to become the reason for your quarrels! Be patient and loving, and be the one who wins this war! You deserve to feel secure and respected in your relationship. 🌺
No, you're not overreacting. Yes, you’re feeling insecure, and it’s natural. The conversation you need to have is with your husband. I’m not a jealous person, but some “bro” man dancing with my wife and having favorite songs with her would piss me off for sure!
@ronin_mom I've tried to bring it up with my husband, but, as I wrote in my post, he just brushes it off as me being paranoid or jealous. 🤷🏼 He says they're just friends and that I have nothing to worry about.
Your reaction was perfectly normal! You had the courage to stand up for yourself, when your husband did not dare risk his friendship... I really hope you’ll be able to get it through to that woman that she is not the main character in your husband’s life. She must either accept it or get the hell out of your house and your life.
@socially insecure Thank you very much! You’re probably right, I should be smarter than her. She’s making me look like a victim, probably on purpose. I should find ways to separate them quietly… If only I knew how!
@sunshinetune All right, in that case, I think your husband is acting indecently. I believe that once your friend gets married, things change, and you should respect another man’s wife. But it’s also the man’s duty to distance himself from his friends and to put his family first. Looks like your husband needs to get his priorities straight.
I say trust your instincts and emotions! Frankly speaking, your husband is not completely innocent. His friend is competing with you, and he is allowing it. You should be mad at him too! He isn’t a teenager anymore, he made a commitment when he got married. For some reason, he is choosing not to stop it, despite you sharing your resentment with him and letting him know that his friend is making you uncomfortable. It’s not that hard to ask your friend to change her behavior and attitude; he should have done it a year ago. And it’s not your place to fight this girl, your husband should be doing it!
I’ve been in a similar situation. My partner’s friend was also his ex! Men can be a bit dense, sometimes :) He tried to smooth over the personal issues at all costs and not hurt anyone’s feelings. It took me ages to convince him that his ex still had feelings for him. Funnily enough, it was all in vain, for we broke up in the end, because he was too immature for me. Can it be that your husband simply likes Mary's attention?
I’ll be very blunt: do not allow anyone to treat you disrespectfully. Anyone who does not care about your feelings is unworthy of keeping around. You are perfectly justified in showing your character!
Hi,
Healthy marriages include supportive friendship for each spouse with either men or women. Outside support is necessary for marriage to flourish but these relationship should not be threatening to either one of you. if it is then you have to set boundaries for friendship. It is also about understanding how unique marital intimacy is. Talking about this limits freely and honestly with your partner builds trust. It makes sure that everyone knows and follows the rules that protect the integrity of the marriage. You can tell him that you trust him but what is affecting you is her mannerism towards you like she jumping into your husband's arms or she dragging him to dance floor and she been invited to an after party. You need to be clear of what is affecting you.
Your husband has known her from teenage so off course they would be extremely comfortable with each other and for your husband it would be normal when she sits close by or touches his arm. It is very necessary you point out what you don't like so he is aware about it. You could also tell him that if he could always inform if he is inviting her for any party and to ask your opinion.
You can even consult a relationship counsellor if you feel neutral party can make it easier for both of you to talk.
To be very frank i would never offer a concrete solution of what is right or wrong or whether you are being insecure or paranoid because each person varies in his/her understanding of the rules for platonic friendship. It is a solution you need to come out with which makes you feel good, which makes you feel good about your relationship and doesn't jeopardise your future, neither you have to compromise your happiness just for this relationship. what matters is that he makes you feel safe, you are his priority and he understands your needs and meets them.
This sounds like a complicated situation and it's understandable why you'd feel frustraited. It's a normal reaction when you see another woman acting like this with your husband as it's not something you're used to see between friends. Before you make a decision on how to approach the situation, it may help to reflect on what exactly about Mary's behaviour make you feel this way. What would it mean for you if she actually had feelings for your husband? Is it a fear of losing him or do you feel angry because certain boundaries are being crossed? Reflecting on this can help you better understand what the situation means to you and if some of your own insecurities are being triggered by it.
If you decide to discuss it with your husband, make sure that you feel calm and relaxed - it's important to approach it as an opportunity to learn more about each other's perspectives and not as a confrontation. Try to focus on your feelings and perceptions rather than making accusations - you can do it by using "I" statements. For example, you can start by saying "I understand that you and Mary have been always very close, but I feel confused when there's a lot of physical contact happening between you as it's not something I'm used to". Then you can give concrete examples of behaviours that you feel are concerning. It's best to avoid blaming in order to keep the discussion productive. Ask your husband to give you his perspective and propose seeking a mutual understanding. It's possible that you have different perceptions on friendships, and it's important to understand these differences in order to find common ground. You may discuss what each of you see as appropriate or not when it comes to people outside of the relationship (such as excessive physical contact with other people, flirting etc.) and establish boundaries that both of you would be comfortable with. Such open and respectful conversations are essential for strengthening trust in a relationship.