I agree with your teacher that this is a somewhat common problem with children, and it requires a lot of patience and kindness. Psychologists recommend to practise role-playing where your kid will be able to participate both as a pupil and as a teacher, so that he gets interested in school activities. You can also try to find out what your son is afraid of, what’s on his mind when he goes to preschool.
+ You could also try a developmental psychologist who’ll share more ideas with you. Finding the right fit is not so easy, so try both men and women to find who your son is more comfortable with.
@GreenVixen Thanks! Will the developmental psychologist prescribe medications? Is it preferable at his age?
Oh, we’ve talked about his fears many times. I’m so ashamed that I might have validated some of them because we had this one episode when I was late to pick him up. I was the last one to come, half an hour later than usual, and he was sobbing loudly, being absolutely sure I had forgotten about him! I’ll never make the same mistake again, but I’m afraid the damage was done. 😭
I think getting professional help for your son is worth it. These anxiety issues are often about the feelings of safety being around parents. What your teacher told you – “to stay firm” – is basically exposure therapy, but maybe you’ll be able to make it less traumatizing with the help of some tricks. For example, you could think of a comfort object for him to take to preschool. It may be any toy, I even had one kid who carried a photo of his parents in his pocket. Anything that makes your boy feel safe and connected to all the positive emotions that home gives him. Good luck to you, these are hard times emotionally, but it’ll get better soon!
@Zoe Medication is not the only option! There is play therapy, various affirmation techniques. The developmental psychologist will ask you many questions about how your son acts with other kids, whether he’s afraid of large crowds, and so on. And don’t beat yourself up because of that one episode, you’re a wonderful mother, and I’m sure your son will grow up to be a very good person!
My son did not have separation issues at this age, so I’m not an expert. But I’ve read about similar issues, and I can recommend you the book "Growing Up Brave: Expert Strategies for Helping Your Child Overcome Fear, Stress, and Anxiety" by Donna Pincus. I think the only way is to gradually build your son’s social skills and create some sort of daily routine that will help him feel more secure. I always advise showing more affection to kids, telling them that you love them and will be there for them. Another idea: it sounds like your son got used to being around you during his early years, what if your partner could take a vacation and swap places with you? Let your son get used to the idea that his mother is working now, and he can stay with another parent for longer periods of time. He needs to become comfortable being apart from you.
@antuanetta07 I second this idea! Children are often more emotionally bonded to mothers at a young age, for obvious reasons. Since you’ve been the primary caretaker, your husband should try to drop him at school while you can still pick him up. Since he will be separating with you at home, by the time he comes to school his feeling of needing you around will lessen a bit, and he might find it easier to separate from his father.
@Francisca We’ve never thought about it this way. It might work, I guess. 🤔 I’ll discuss it with my partner. Thanks for the suggestion, both of you @antuanetta07 and @Francisca !
@Zoe No problem! This is not unique behavior, and I noticed at once how you mentioned your son misses his mommy, and not his daddy :) Children often have preferences, but they feel safe around both parents. Besides, fathers are more prone to encourage independence, and kids feel that vibe and begin to act slightly differently around each parent. I hope that helps!
I highly recommend you talk to your son's teacher about any kind of fun game he can take part in. When my son didn’t want to go to school during his first year, we had to team up with his teacher, who suggested a morning “hide-and-seek” game routine. When we arrived (and we were usually the last to arrive), the teacher would usher all children to the classroom and would cry: “the gray wolf is coming, hide everyone!”, and my son (the wolf:) would come in and look for his friends. He was very excited to find them (forgetting all his worries). Later on he started asking me to drop him off earlier, so that he could also hide with the others while another child who came in the last would play the wolf.
Entering a new place can always be scary for a preschooler. Even though it is a major milestone but for some children the idea of leaving parents is difficult.
You need to understand why he doesn't enjoy going to school? Is he being bullied by classmates or he doesn't get attention from his teachers os he doesn't like going. You should just have an everyday conversation with him to understand what he likes and doesn't like in his school. The key is to just ask him questions to understand the underlying reason.Whether he likes the teacher or any classmates. If he likes the teacher then see if she can help your child in making it more comfortable for him at school and giving him the necessary attention till he adapts to this environment. if he is comfortable with at least one of his classmates then you can plan a playdate outside so that he can feel comfortable around someone in school.
If there is no reason except being with you then let's work on it. But if your child's resistance to school is severe that it is impacting their everyday life, then a mental health specialist may be able to help you. Cognitive therapy and exposure therapy would help your child with refusal to go to school. Mental health specialist will also analyse if it is separation anxiety or social anxiety. Choose a mental health specialist who can help you through play therapy technique. This will be helping child through fun games and activities and he wont be scared of the therapist too.
You also need to ask the teacher that after half hour of crying is he okay? what does he do? is he able to adapt after that or stays aloof? does he talk to anyone in his class?. If he is okay after half hour then you can leave it as it is just separation anxiety which would get over after the child is adjusted to the new environment.
Next time When he complains about stomach pain just to stay with you then you can do following:
Either you tell him to go to school and if stomach pain persists may be after school he can see a doctor.
If he still wants to stay at home and is adamant then you need to stop giving him attention at house, don't give him any screen time or any form of sweets or treats. You can ask him to read books or colour/draw or do things which he has to self occupy or give him some boring activity to accomplish. be stern about it. When he finds and feels staying at home doesnt give him the joy nor his mom gives him the attention required he would eventually start enjoying school.
You should also shares experiences with your child about your schooling and how did you feel. you can also read out books to them about what happens at school or books describing about first day of the kindergarten and what happens. Your child has just stepped out to a new place so seeing new face, new people could give him jittery feelings. He would not understand what he has to do so sharing your experiences would help him.
You can also give a child his favourite toy or something else which can make him comfortable in the new environment. he can carry along with him everyday.
It's very natural for children to want to stay with their parents, and every child goes through separation anxiety at some point. However, most of the time, it eases as they learn their parents always come back.
There are signs to look for that might indicate the need for extra support to help your child overcome these worries:
- The anxiety keeps your son from participating in activities that they want or need to do, such as going to preschool, as you mentioned. Other examples of activities include birthday parties, engaging in play with other children, etc.
- Your son has trouble sleeping (separation anxiety may cause nightmares or a fear of being alone).
- The anxiety seems to worsen over time, and your child starts worrying about more things.
- The anxiety causes physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches.
- You notice that your child appears much more clingy than other children his age - he may shadow you around the house or cling to your arm or leg if you attempt to step out.
If you notice any of these signs, reaching out to a child therapist is a reasonable thing to do. A specialist can help your child express his feelings through play, practice coping skills, and gradually learn how to separate from you without fear. It might take a few initial sessions to just get your child comfortable with the therapist. Having a therapist come to your house initially can help your son feel safer in a familiar environment. Many children start opening up after the first sessions, as child therapists are skilled in managing children's discomfort. However, it's possible that a therapist doesn't click with your child's personality, so it's important to be patient and keep trying. Seek referrals from people you trust, like other parents or your pediatrician. During your search, consider how your child connects with other people - for example, if he gets along easier with people who are chatty or calm, and consider therapists with such characteristics.
Meanwhile, remember that it's important to stay calm because a child can easily sense anxiety from their parent, strengthening their worries. So, if you feel nervous about separation as well, it can help to practice relaxation techniques such as deep breathing. You can also teach your child these techniques and practice together. An example of this is belly breathing. Ask your child to put his hand on his belly, imagining that there's a balloon in there. Tell him to breathe in through his nose, imagining that the balloon fills up with air, and breathe out through his mouth, letting the air out. Such coping strategies can help your child relax his mind and ease the worries.
Another important thing is not to make the goodbye last too long, as it can lead to the child's anxiety rising even more. A brief but loving goodbye can help the child transfer into his next activity faster. Consider coming up with a quick goodbye ritual such as waving through the window or a goodbye kiss. Tell your son that you will come back and always be there at the time you promised - it can help the child build the tolerance to separation.
Remember, you're not failing. Your child's worries make sense, and it just requires some patience while looking for the right approach.