Scared to become an alcoholic

I don’t crave alcohol, but whenever I drink I can’t stop and get drunk very quickly. I am an emotional person and I get so stressed at my work that I’m waiting for my weekends to lie low and do nothing. I have absolutely no desire or energy to go out. There’s always a bottle of wine and 2-3 beers in my fridge. I drink during lunch, then have some more at dinner, and by 6pm I’m out of my wits and just black out wherever I am. The worst nightmare happens in the morning, with debilitating hangover and depressive thoughts. I can’t drink on Sundays or I simply won’t be able to work the next day. So I just live through the day as best I can and tell myself this was the last time I’ve ruined it. After one or two days I’m back to normal and forget how bad I’d felt, and next weekend the cycle repeats.

This Saturday my mother arrived uninvited and found me puking on my sofa. I don’t quite remember the rest, but she stayed, and the next morning it got me. I felt so defeated and embarrassed. I was scared to talk to her. She looked so worried. She told me about the old guy I knew who had died two years ago, drank himself to death. I didn’t know him well and he was 63, but I felt sick to be compared to him. Am I that lost? My mother thinks I need help, she begged me to take a vacation and do something about it. I promised her to consider. I still feel terrible and barely cope with my work. Friday is approaching and for the first time I dread it. I don’t even enjoy drinking. I’ve become boring, lacking creativity, rarely meeting with friends, because I lack motivation to do so. I don’t know how I am going to break out of this cycle. I know I need to before I lose myself all together.