Hi,

I am Sultan from Kabul, Afghanistan. I am 46 years old and I am IT Specialist

My story of mental sickness starts from MIRC chat in year 2000 when I was chatting in chatting rooms. everything was going normal but slowly I notice that a group people possibley 3 were interested in my personal life and i felt as if am chased by them. Later the circle of involved people got bigger and I felt as if I am chased in daily life in my work place and even I thought that my relatives, friends and family members are with them. at that moment the symptom of severe depression and anxious thoughs began to appear and I was obssessivly thinking about the internet and chat my interest and joy in daily life activity became zero at the begining My thoughts was not much hostile and l thought people at chat room are my friends and they may want to make frienship but slowly slowly I got angry at them and at other people who though were with them I thought I am very impotant person( maybe a philosopher or saint). when things got worse my family took me to psychiatrist and they prescribed my tofranil and Stelazine later my prescription was changed to Respiridone 2x2mg and escitalopram 20 mg. I didn't have any hallucinations but I had paranoid delusions. By some psychiatrists my illness was diagnosed as Paranoid Schezophrenia but some other diagnosed it as psychtic depression. I am still using the medicine but since I stared respiridone it has controlled the delusion but has increased my aniexty and can't fall asleep easily and normally it took 2 or more hours to fall asleep after I go to bed. This year my mode has improved a little bit but not to big extent. My sleep is not normal and fatigue is hurting me and affect my daily and work life, low self esteem , lack motivation, foggy mind and poor decision making and anxiety and stress is major symptom at the moment. Please kindly help.

Sultan

Lately, I've been feeling off. Sometimes I notice changes in my behavior—I'll feel different, like I'm not myself. I experience bouts of depression, stress, fatigue, and disinterest in things that used to excite me. It's like a mix of negative emotions swirling around inside me. I've become more emotionally fragile too; even small things can set me off, making me cry easily.

At home, it's tough. My parents constantly put me down, telling me I'm worthless, the worst person ever, and comparing me to everyone else. They expect perfection in everything I do, but no matter how much they criticize and pressure me, I seem to do worse than before. It's like a never-ending cycle of abuse. I hear more than ten insults (mostly abuses)every single day, and it's become almost normal for me to endure this verbal on slaught. But lately, even the slightest hint of criticism or yelling makes me break down in tears.

My emotions are all over the place. I struggle to feel love and happiness most of the time. My days are filled with sadness, frustration, intense anger, tears, and moments where I just feel numb. It's like I'm stuck in this whirlwind of negativity, and I don't know how to break free. I've tried everything to cope with what's going on, really. I've read up on how to reprogram my mind, tried to change my thinking patterns, but nothing seems to stick. It's like life keeps throwing insults at me, non-stop. Sometimes, I get so angry that I end up pushing away even the people who care about me. I just isolate myself and avoid talking to anyone.

Getting out of this negative cycle feels impossible. Even though my long-distance boyfriend loves me and tries his best to take care of me, I'm starting to doubt my own feelings for him. It's like my emotions are all over the place, and I don't know what to do.

Every day brings its own set of crazy situations. Whenever someone hears the full story of what I go through with my parents, they just shake their heads and say my parents must be mentally ill or something. I try to keep my distance from them, but it doesn't seem to help. Sometimes, I wish I could just sleep forever or go deaf so I wouldn't have to hear their voices anymore. I'm getting more and more irritated, and I can't stand the sound of their voices.

Being human, we're greatly influenced by our environment. It's like they say, if you're surrounded by animals, you might start acting like one too. For me, it's like living in a world of constant negativity and abuse. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, and I have little to no confidence in myself. I get really anxious around other people, and social situations make me extremely uncomfortable.

To make things even harder, I've been stuck at home for the past six years with no chance to travel or experience anything new. My life revolves around enduring these abuses, going to school, and then back home, day in and day out. It feels like there's no escape from this cycle of negativity.

I just want to share everything that helped me on my journey (fighting anxiety and depression), in the hope someone with similar issues will read this and get inspired.

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression basically since school, but I first visited a therapist only when I was 34. I guess I reached that point in my life when it was “fight or die” stage. My anxiety was so severe I could barely leave my appartment let alone make it to a psychiatrist’s. I had to reschedule my first sessions and postponed them for almost 3 weeks, until my anxiety to get a rejection was higher than the horror of attending. People who have never been in my shoes do not understand that all the good and reasonable suggestions to eat healthy food, do exercises and sleep well are simply irrelevant when you can barely get out of bed. These things are definitely correct, but they won’t lift you up by themselves when your body is deficient of all the good things and your mind is reeling with thoughts “you’ll never get better”. I regret that I avoided medication and getting diagnosed for so long, just because I believed it was giving up. It’s right the opposite: when you’re a misfunctioning hopeless human being, you’re giving up! When you find the strengths to ask for help, you’re making steps towards healing. I’ve been taking medications ever since and see a psychologist regularly. I found a job that suits my needs, after a year of guilty procrastination. My social life has improved so much that I can actually meet new people and am making first tentative efforts to get back to good physical state.

Here’re some crucial changes that immensely helped me after I’ve started therapy:

* Hybrid work, which later turned to contract work. I’ve been stuck in that duality thniking that there’s either a full-time office job or no job, and nothing else can pay my bills. That’s such a ton of bullshit! A stressful job is your one-way ticket to burnout, panic attacks, and depression. You are not your job, don’t waste your health on it.

* Very strict diet. I don’t mean avoid junk food. I mean, forget about snacks, coffee, sugary stuff, and alcohol. I went gluten-free, and I believe it made a difference. This may sound like depriving yourself of the joys of food. Trust me, if you have problems with your gut (and 90% of people with mental health problems do), all your other attempts will get nowhere until you fix your gut. Everything is interconnected in the body.

* Forget about all social networks and all news outlets, except messengers (focused communication). The world is not your problem, until you solve your own problems.

* Nature and animals. Again, the first advice for people fighting social anxiety is to find friends, to socialize more... When your battery is super low, you won’t find the energy to connect with people. And they won’t have any idea what’s happening in your life, so social situations may only get you down and increase your feelings of anxiety and “loser moments”. I began my journey to inner harmony with reading books on human brain, depression and healthy habits. I have no beaches or mountains nearby, so I went out of my way to drive to the nearest wilderness every weekend. I had to make myself do it the first few times, but now it’s a habit, and it motivated me to start cycling. Most importantly, it helped me find my way to me, and stop worrying about lacking something, like relationships, etc.

To sum up, the journey out of complete darkness is dead hard. But everyone can do it, starting with professional help. Thanks for reading!

After some thought and heavy consideration, I’ve made the difficult decision to disconnect from the few people I wanted to call friends. Not because of trivial matters like petty drama or an extreme fallout, but simply because I’ve outgrown them and want to surround myself with different people.

While reflecting, I’ve come to realise a lot of the connections made were built on the foundation of trauma, common interests such as art, anime and general creativity aside. Prior to therapy and support workshops I’d meet people online and in fandom spaces where we bonded over traumatic events in our lives, but over the years I’ve found myself becoming distant.

I’m constantly working to improve myself and my situation, and as I’m navigating different challenges I’m learning something new every day. I have so much love and care for the people I called friends but it doesn’t seem like they’re ready to tackle their hardships head on. And that’s okay, but I want to be surrounded by people who are just as motivated to change the course of their lives as I am.

It’s all about perspective and as I grow, I’m seeing a shift. My glass isn’t half empty, it’s half full, and I’ll continue pouring into it. I understand the challenges of recovery and the discomfort it’ll bring but I’m okay with it. My now ex friends feel otherwise, and that’s okay, but that’s not the energy I want to surround myself with.

“Rewrite and start again.” Lyrics from a song titled “Storytelling” by an independent musician named AfterTheParty. While I love most of his work, this particular song [currently] resonates with me because I'm doing just that. Rewriting and starting again. I’m re-establishing safety and re-defining what friendship looks like for me.

I am the author of my story and I dictate what each page of events will detail. I decide who will be chapters in my life instead of paragraphs and will write a book worth reading, a story worth telling. Starting over is often perceived as a bad thing but that’s not true. Sometimes it’s realising your energy would be better applied elsewhere and recognising your limitations.

Outgrowing people hurts, but it’s apart of life.