I’ve struggled with OCD since I was 9 years old. It started out as an obsessive fear that my family members would get in a car accident and die. I did all these odd rituals involving the number four (number of members in my immediate family) and I really had no idea what was happening or why until years later, when I started seeing a therapist as a teenager.
Long story short, it’s been a long struggle and my OCD has taken on many different forms over the years. What could be described as religious trauma in high school triggered my OCD to take on a religious theme where I was living in constant terror that I would go to hell for any number of reasons, and obsessively praying for repentance for hours every day. That’s not a type of OCD that’s often talked about, but for me, it was by far the most distressing.
Anyway, I overcame that to an extent (though I still struggle with anxiety in religious contexts) and my most recent OCD fixation has been with germs and contamination - eventually I found my way to this “classic” type, I guess. But I had a small yet significant victory the other day that I wanted to share in case it might encourage someone who is also struggling. Since COVID lockdown ended, I’ve had a really hard time with “public” germs and feeling a need to “decontaminate” before touching anything when I get home. This is especially true when I’ve used a public restroom - I’ve felt like I have to immediately change my clothes to avoid contaminating anything. Just a few months ago, I actually burst into tears because I couldn’t figure out how to get upstairs to change my clothes without contaminating my socks and then the entire upstairs floor with the public restroom germs on the floor around me from my shoes.
Well, the other day, I got home after having been in public and having used the public restroom, and without changing my clothes, I SAT ON THE FREAKING COUCH! Sounds very small if this isn’t something you relate to, but it was a huge step I’ve been working towards for months.
It takes time and effort and fear and frustration, but…the feeling of freedom when you finally manage to push through the nagging thoughts is beyond worth it. I still have lots of work to do, but I’ve taken a step in the right direction and you can, too. One step at a time.
