i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.
it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.
i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.
it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.
everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.
the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.
the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.
i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.
idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.
after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do
but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.
first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.
when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.
in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.
i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.
people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?
but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???
or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.
i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.
tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.
what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.
i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?
As someone deeply interested in psychology, your insights about ego and ownership really struck a chord. The way we identify with possessions shapes our perception of self-worth in profound ways. This concept extends beyond material possessions into digital spaces too, just think about how people react when their social media posts don't get enough likes. It's fascinating how the ego adapts to modern contexts while maintaining its core patterns. The challenge lies in recognizing these patterns without judgment. What books besides Tolle's work would you recommend for diving deeper into this topic?
@Frances Miller Hi Frances! I'm not the OP, but I couldn't help jumping in because I'm really passionate about this topic as well! I've been on this journey of understanding ego and consciousness for a few years now. I've found some really interesting books that complement Tolle's work really well. Have you read "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer? It's got this really approachable way of talking about the inner self and consciousness. I also really connected with "The Power of Now" - it's actually another Tolle book, but it hits different points than "A New Earth." What I love about these books is how they make you think about your relationship with your thoughts in a whole new way
@Frances Miller What I love about Singer's book is how he uses these everyday examples that just click. Like, he talks about this mental roommate we all have, that voice in our head that's always commenting on everything. Have you noticed how that voice gets louder when we're scrolling through social media? It's wild how these ancient concepts about ego and self apply so perfectly to our age. I've been thinking a lot lately about how our online personas are kind of like a new layer of ego we have to navigate
@David thank you so much for jumping in! I don't mind that at all actually :) I actually haven't read "The Untethered Soul" yet, but I've heard people mention it before. What really grabbed you about it? I find it fascinating how different authors approach these concept. The way you describe Singer's approach sounds really accessible, these topics can get so heavy and academic, right?
@David that mental roommate analogy is brilliant! It's so true, especially about social media. I catch myself having full conversations with that inner voice when I'm deciding what to post or how to respond to comments. It's like we're performing for an audience that might not even exist!
@Frances Miller I’m late seeing this because the app hasn’t notified me of anyone’s replies, but I’ll let you know! I’m hoping to finish the book before February so I can start a new title but you described perfectly what the author detailed!
The relationship between ego and ownership affects every aspect of our existence. Consider how it influences our career choices, relationships, and even leisure activities. When we become aware of these patterns, we can start making more conscious choices. Observing without judgment allows us to see clearly. That's something I'm still working on though
@hele I connect with what you're saying about observing without judgment on a very deep level
It's something I struggle with daily, and I've noticed how it affects nearly every aspect of my interactions. Like, I catch myself analyzing every little interaction, wondering if I said too much or came across wrong. Sometimes I feel like I absorb everyone's emotions around me, and it's exhausting
I wish I could just let things be without getting so wrapped up in them. I've been trying different mindfulness techniques lately, but it's challenging to maintain that awareness throughout the day. I've noticed that when I'm well-rested and have taken time for self-care, it becomes a bit easier to maintain perspective
@hele That's exactly it! Yesterday I was at the grocery store, and I kept thinking about how the cashier probably thought I was looking and behaving weird. Then I realized I was doing it again - overthinking and judging myself. It's like this constant loop in my head
I wonder if other peope think as much as I do about these things. These thoughts often come up during specific situations or times of day
@hele Right? And social media makes it even harder. I'll spend way too much time thinking about whether I should comment on someone's post or if I'm being too much
I write out whole responses and then delete them because I worry about how they'll be received. I guess that's why I find it easier to talk about these things here, where everyone's kind of working through similar stuff. I've started setting specific times for social media use, which has helped reduce the anxiety around it. I'm also practicing being more authentic in my online interactions, even if it feels vulnerable
@Mai I haven't figured it out for myself either. Some days I think I'm making progress, and then something happens that shows me how much work I still need to do. I've been reading about acceptance and commitment therapy, which has given me some interesting insights into this process. I find that acknowledging these thoughts without trying to change them immediately can be helpful. Sometimes just sitting with the discomfort teaches us more than trying to fix it right away
@Mai Oh my goodness, I do the exact same thing! Just last week, I was in a meeting and kept replaying everything I said, wondering if I talked too much or not enough. Funny how we can be so aware of these patterns but still get caught up in them. I've started implementing a five-minute reflection period after important interactions to process my thoughts more constructively. Sometimes I even write down what actually happened versus what my mind is telling me happened, the difference can be quite eye-opening. It's comforting to know that even people who seem completely confident often experience similar thoughts
Fascinating perspective on this in today's digital age. The virtual world has created new forms of attachment, digital possessions, online identities, social media presence. All these become extensions of our ego-driven identity. The more we invest in these virtual possessions, the stronger our attachment grows. Watching how people react when their favorite platform goes down really shows how deep these attachments run
The ego is like a lens through which we view reality, it's not the reality itself. Understanding this distinction is crucial for personal growth. What you're discovering is just the beginning of so much more, and I couldn't be more excited for you!!!
@David The more I discover, the more I feel at peace. This book has opened my eyes to so much that it’s reframing my mind in the best of ways. It’s teaching me the concept of permanence and that nothing is truly mine, it just exists and there’s the possibility of me experiencing it. That’s the idea I’ve adopted and now I don’t feel as anxious or stressed at the thought of “losing” things
Beautiful insights. I think that as we grow in consciousness, we naturally align more with our authentic selves. The ego will always be present, but our relationship with it can evolve. Being mindful of our thoughts and reactions helps us respond more authentically to life's challenges
When we catch ourselves in ego-driven behaviors, it's an opportunity for growth rather than self-judgment. Practicing self-compassion while maintaining awareness creates sustainable change. The simple act of noticing our ego at work is enough to shift our perspective. The key is balance - neither identifying completely with the ego nor rejecting it entirely. What matters most is our commitment to growth and understanding
@Alis I wish I could pin your comment, you articulated this perfectly and I couldn’t agree more. Yes, 110%!