Hey everyone, before you criticize me, I’d like to say I don’t want anyone to escape depression the way I did. I feel like crap, and I don’t even know why. I thought I had found the answer. My friend read about it on the dark web, that it can fix some mental issues. I’ve been having serious family problems, and I’ve had depression pretty much forever. When he brought acid tabs, I didn’t doubt for a second. The first time I tried microdosing, it was amazing and euphoric!! Was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt comforted and safe, with no anxiety, no worries. Like a warm hug for my mind. For the first time in a long time, I felt some relief from the darkness that had been consuming me. But now I’ve tried it again, twice the dose this time. And it was super weird and scary. The acid only magnified my fears and made my current depressive episode much worse. I lay in bed for seven hours, trying to get rid of hysteria and extreme self-loathing, my thoughts just kept going and going. I couldn’t think clearly. I was glad when the worst part was finally over. I feel completely exhausted. What has gone wrong? Is it about the dose, does it matter so much? I’ve read that it’s not addictive. Not like any hard drugs. My friend assured me it’ll send me on a trip of self-exploration and give me a clearer vision of what to do next. It wasn’t like that the first time, but it was a pleasant feeling. This second time was very sad. It’s inexplicable. Unless it means I somehow got physically addicted to acid the first time so that it doesn’t help me anymore? I don't know what to do now. The one thing that I thought was helping me has turned against me, and I feel trapped and even more broken than before. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, but I can't keep living like this. I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay when it's not. I just want to feel like myself again. I was promised some relief. Why did it not work the second time?

I had an issue with my mum. Her brother in law came to Sri Lanka, he is loved by all of me my siblings. I wanted to be with him for a few days and introduce my husband too. He came cause his mother passed away. Yesterday I told mum that I will be coming to the funeral and then will stay for a few nights as my uncle is there. When we got home my mum was acting bit strange as if she didnt like my husband I stay for a few days. When I ased about sleeping arrangements she gave us a room with lots of storage and dust and all. She knew this but my husband didnt. When he checked the room he said we cant stay as we both have sinuses. And for the first time in my husband's life (He is a very patience guy who never complaints) he has understood that my mum didnt like us to stay there. Honestly we wont mind staying on floor even. But she gave the worst room. And after the funeral I told my family that we wont stay and we will go back. My mum was not hesitant, she didnt even ask why or didnt ask to stay. I am so upset cause my husband's family never even hurt me by a word, but this is how my mom treat my husband. And today morning, I blamed my mum, but she was saying that eventhough she was tired she gave us a banana, and we are the ones who hurt her. FOr the whole lifetime she has been treating me differently and I have mum issues. I always look for her love and appreciation which I get rarely. This is the first time I stepped up and blamed her. She is a very self centered person, who thinks that we must treat her a queen cause our father passe away. Am I wrong?

i have been in a relationship for the last three years ..I'm wierd behind the curtain unsocial shabby person ,i never attracted any boys and never been attracted to anyone before .until I met him ...we are weird together,listen songs together,share our days have an unbreakable trust and just happy together and in love like never before.. 6 months back his mother had a misunderstanding with my mother and to take revenge she asked him to cut all ties with me.he is the only son and very much obedient to her ...i asked him multiple times to talk this issue out with his mom but he isn't as he fears to hurt his mothers feelings. here I am suffering badly, crying days out and days in ,not eating, sleeping,going out of room ,i lay in bed all day crying..i talked to him about this repeatedly but he isn't giving me any positive hopes of future...what should I do help me

i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.

it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.

i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.

it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.

everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.

the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.

the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.

i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.

idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.

after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do

but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.

first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.

when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.

in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.

i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.

people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?

but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???

or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.

i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.

tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.

what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.

i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?