The heartbreaking thing about loving an avoidant as someone with a more secure attachment style is that you have to do it from afar to preserve your own mental and emotional wellbeing.

6 years ago when I had the avoidant attachment style myself, I unexpectedly entered a relationship with a childhood friend who’s now the ex best friend of my older relative. He was also my first crush. The funny thing about it is his little sister was MY best friend because SHE had a crush on MY sibling. His family was close to mine so frequently we hung out, in and out of school settings. Commonality aside, the four of us bonded because we were bullied for our interests.

In July of 2019, we started getting closer before I eventually, impulsively initiated a relationship. It didn’t last for a variety of reasons; we were both immature, I was avoidant, and overall didn’t have the appreciation for anything then like I do today. I’ve blocked and disassociated from him a few times but it wasn’t until summer 2022 we reconnected and he confessed having feelings and being in love with me. I was taken aback since in our younger years, he declined my advances and made it apparent he wasn’t attracted to me.

We had a long and deep conversation about it and cleared everything up. Come winter of 2022 we reconnected after a brief silence from both parties. This came about post me escaping an abusive relationship and taking legal action against my assailant. Having been in therapy and support workshops for approximately 4 months at the time, I’ve already transitioned into a more secure attachment style where I attempted to initiate another relationship but more INTENTIONALLY. Unfortunately, after experiencing a traumatising relationship himself, he became avoidant so the rekindling didn’t last.

There was radio silence between us from January 2023 until July 2023 where I messaged him. From July to September we’ve been on and off in contact until finally, he stopped replying. In the times we’ve held space it was spent playing games, checking in with one another, sharing artistic projects we’ve completed or are working on, being intimate and overall enjoying each other’s company.

In the times I visited, I would always gift him poems, love letters, protection charms, or mini care packages. Aside being avoidant, I know he suffers from extreme depression and anxiety so I would also check in when I could. From what I recall, he hasn’t opened any of the affirmation letters I gifted him but I know he keeps them in a treasure box of things that see important to him which means so much to me. Just before we lost contact I wanted to give him one final card but I haven’t heard from him since September 2023.

As a former avoidant I understand I’ve overwhelmed him and want to respect his need for space, but I also wish I had the opportunity to hear what he wanted to tell me after briefly informing me he finally took me up on seeking professional help. I have so much love and care for him and hope that he’s well, and I hope that he believed me when I said, “I don’t give up on people I love.” and that he’ll never successfully push me away. I respect myself enough to do better and not cling onto unhealthy connections, but being a former avoidant myself I’m aware of how they navigate.

A lot of people hate avoidants because of their attachment style and coping mechanisms, and I don’t fault them. It’s only easier for me to be compassionate because I’m more secure and was in that position myself. I want to reach out to him so bad but I’ll leave things as they are and will continue wishing him well from afar.

A lot of the time when we consume the content of people who publicise their journeys to recovery, we’re under the impression they’re “healed.” We believe they have everything together, life flows effortlessly for them and that their circumstances are perfect… but would you be surprised if I said that’s far from the truth?

As a content creator who documents bits and pieces of their recovery, I can tell you firsthand that most of us only share what we want being seen. We’ll post on the days we feel good; sharing vlogs of ourselves at the beach enjoying the sun or grabbing brunch at the new vegan restaurant that just opened up. But do you know what we WON’T upload? The bad days. Why? Because it “ruins” the aesthetic.

Nobody wants to hear about the meltdown we had over something trivial or the episode that was triggered by plans going south. 9 times out of 10, influencer or not, a person is likely to be shamed for venting on media; crying on camera as opposed to journaling or talking to a trusted friend.

However because I know this is a common thing among “recovery influencers” (I assume they’re categorised as), I personally share and talk about the “ugly” parts of recovering. Why? Because it’s easier said than done and everybody’s journey looks different. I want to provide a more authentic perspective and not the “everything is perfect” that’s constantly being fed.

Because the truth of the matter is even though I’m nearly 2 years into recovery and I rarely have bad days, not every day is good for me. There are days where I’m depressed, hurting, lonely and more. I have days where I’m not good to myself or others but that doesn’t take away from all I’ve achieved. The goal is progression, not perfection.

And if it’s the ugly parts of healing they won’t tell you about, it’s the part where you feel like you’re regressing. They won’t tell you about the stages of anger and grief you oscillate between or the periods of isolation you experience trying to better yourself. They don’t tell you about the people you lose as a result of seeking better or the pervasive loneliness that follows when having to be selective about your associates.

Healing looks different for everyone and there’s going to be “ugliness” to it, but that’s okay because it should be normalised. I’m currently experiencing one of the ugliest parts of healing because despite being eager to create a loving and nurturing relationship with others, I feel myself growing emotionally reserved every day. It hurts but I’m doing my best to remain open. It’s difficult for me as someone still overcoming hyper independence and avoidant tendencies, but I know it can be done.

Even with the feelings of loneliness, depression and anxiety weighing heavy in my chest, I’m going to do my best to remain kind in my interactions. I’m quite frankly exhausted from everything but I’m dedicated to my recovery so I’ll bare the exhaustion as long as necessary.

I've been doing some thinking lately and I've come to realize something about myself. I think I check all the boxes for emotional coldness and fear of intimacy. I’m deeply uncomfortable with expressing my feelings... opening up about them is torture. Whenever I’m lucky to get close with someone, I pull away for fear of commitment, rejection and perhaps abandonment. This is irrational, I’ve never been abandoned, ever. I haven’t even been in any relationship for more than half a year. :( Why should it be so scary to let others in? I'm stuck in this cycle of pushing people away while desperately wanting someone to break through to me.... almost like I want intimacy but am scared of it at the same time. :( Can it be the reason why I always seem to be attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable? Can it be that I'm drawn to the challenge of trying to break through their walls, even though I can't seem to let anyone break through mine... I tried to trace down the root cause back to my upbringing which only made it more confusing and complicated. My parents were caring and loving towards me, their own relationships were outwardly ideal, rock solid. When I was a small girl, I dreamt my own family would resemble my parents. Thinking back now, I can’t remember much tenderness between them... I never saw any hugs or kisses, they were more like responsible partners and friends than passionate lovers. As a kid, I didn’t find it strange. Should I now?

I have this nagging subconscious voice that tells me if I show a man that I need him, that I can't be without him - I'll become defenseless and uninteresting, a conquered territory. My mind shuts down at the point when rationalization and logic are not enough, and they are not enough for most people. Is it really the fear of intimacy, that I’m afraid to admit I have feelings for someone and sound robotic and business-like? Or is this the fear of commitment? My friend told me I fall for unavailable guys and push away those who’re down for something serious because I’m an avoidant type and a masochist, that deep down I like being hurt… can it be true that I’m somehow mentally damaged in that regard? I’m so frustrated with myself, I crave that closeness and connection but something inside me holds me back...

Hope I won’t be judged here, confessing this was not easy. Thanks for lending me an ear.

Hello! I've been on this journey of trying to understand what's wrong with me for 5 years now. I was diagnosed with depression, then with bipolar disorder, then with avoidant personality disorder and recently my psychiatrist says that we have to shift this paradigm, because bipolar treatment doesn't work whatsoever. He suspects that I might have so called "narcissistic swings" and he says that I have to focus on getting fun social interactions. I tried that, I had fun and now I'm "depressed" again. I hesitate calling that depression, because normal depression treatment doesn't work for me. I've tried many medications and behavioral tactics, but medications most of the time does nothing and when I'm trying to change my behavior that works for 2 months at max, before I again fall onto my bed without a will to do anything for weeks or months. Then I have to start all over again and try more. It doesn't get easier for me, it gets harder, because I am losing my hope.

When my manager asks to explain why am I absent at work for a week nothing comes to my mind. I am absent because I am stupid I guess or lazy, or irresponsible. What is happening, why do I feel as though I can't control myself. I dont know.