All the pain comes from my brain!

So many thoughts are running through my head when I’m at my lowest, and they’re all spiteful, criticizing, doubting my very existence... And I don’t know what to do without self-harm… My therapist and all my family are constantly telling me it’s horrible, my scars are horrible, and I must stop. None of them have BPD, how can they understand? When I’m close to a psychosis episode and I’m alone, self-harm is my only way out. Pain is the only feeling that can snap me out of it before I lose myself... They tell me to stop, and they make me vulnerable. There’s nothing else to protect me, and it hurts so much that no one can understand me, even my therapist… Don’t they know I can be dangerous? I tried to stab my classmate with a pencil when I was in the fifth grade… It’s better if I’m a danger only to myself, it’s my choice. I don’t want to lose touch with reality ever again… It’s not like I don’t want to stop causing myself pain. I can’t replace it with anything else. My mental illness makes me do it.