I’m so tired of having borderline personality disorder I’m scared nobody will ever love me the way I love them it’s like I’ll always be too much

normal is not the right word for it. I self-diagnose as having borderline personality disorder, and it has made it impossible for me to keep any serious relationships, or even friendships. My whole life I’ve struggled with feeling out of order and overwhelmed with emotions, being impulsive and overly fragile at the same time. I never knew what it could be, until I started reading mental health forums, and I knew I had BPD right away. Feeling alone... Emotions for someone that are always out of proportion. Impulsive reactions… I’ve been restless in all my relationships, and I always ended up blocking my partners and friends and ruining it all. I then suffer for months and painfully put myself together bit by bit... Now I haven’t been in any relationship for almost two years, and it’s so peaceful. Without those types of strong emotional connections I don’t feel uncontrolable waves of anger or jealousy. I can live a normal life. Isn’t it strange? I wonder if any other illness is less intense when you’re single?

Hello to everyone with mental health disorders and other mental illnesses.

My question is how you communicate with people dear to you about your diagnosis, and how often you think it’s better not to open up? Have you told your coworkers or your partner's relatives about your diagnosis?

I have a borderline personality disorder, and I normally keep it a secret because of how most people change when they think you’re mental. I know that my biggest problem is overreacting to tiniest emotional spikes, and I’m working on it, but I accept that there will be emotional breakdowns for the rest of my life, and the best I can do is forgive myself for my mood swings. My family knows that I’m seeing a therapist, and it helps, for I feel they’re more patient with me now and give me space to calm down when I’m losing it. But I don’t know, maybe it’s just because they’re parents and their love is unconditional?…

My only attempt to open up to someone I loved was a mistake. We broke up weeks after that, and from the moment he knew about BPD, things went downhill. There was probably a great deal of my fault in that. I always attract men younger than myself and end up disbelieving their feelings for me are real. But I still think that how my ex reacted before he found out about my BPD and after were two different things. At the peak of our breakdown he said I was an underdeveloped child who needed to grow up… It’s really hurting because I’m struggling to be a grownup who can control her emotions, and this person knew it. Why did I expect him to be more understanding? He could have read about BPD to see that there’re not only bad emotions… My sensitive part goes both ways, and I can be a caring and loving partner. Telling anyone else but my closest people about my war with myself makes me feel very vulnerable. I think it’s easier to explain my rage or impulsive behavior by just saying I’m stressed and apologizing. They don’t need to know about BPD.

The heartbreaking part about surviving narcissistic abuse is that your body never forgets. Not the pain, not the sorrow. That trauma follows you into every relationship formed and sometimes destroy them. If it’s something I knew sooner, it’s that your body will communicate through sickness. At the time of dating and even after escaping my covert narcissist ex, my intuition tried to warn me but I ignored it.

First, there was this pervasive sensitivity of anxiety; waking up anxious with a constricting feeling in my chest. My upper body felt stiff and the sensation lingered throughout the days. Then, I gradually lost interest in doing things that brought me pleasure followed by loss of appetite. The emotional turmoil that ensued was the worst of it all for me as someone who already struggles with emotional regulation as I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It can only be described as “dysphoric mania”, something I discovered after Googling my experience. I’d have intense feelings of euphoria one moment and crash hard from depression the next. The overall, impending feeling of doom and dread hovered over me until I escaped and took legal and sought professional support.

I was fortunate to transform that pain into power, but now I’m experiencing it all over again just with my new romantic interest. We met a little over a month ago at a concert where we exchanged info and immediately started talking and going on dates. For the most part, everything has been well. Any time he’d say or do something that would provoke discomfort I’d create a safe space for us to have open communication and converse about it. While he’s been receptive for the most part, the longer we remain in contact the worse the feeling gets. I know this isn’t unprovoked hypervigilance because I’ve been in therapy, performed enough body scans regularly and developed discernment to know when it’s my intuition and not anxiety. And I promised myself if at any point my heart and mind are confused on a person, I’d listen to my body and my body is telling me I’m unsafe.

I’ve never been one to ghost because I don’t condone unless the person is reasonably threatening to another’s safety, but I’m contemplating because alarm bells are going off and I don’t want to fuck around and find out anything I can save myself from. I’m going to speak more with my therapist about it but today and the rest of this week I’m going to continue practicing self care and giving myself grace. To anyone who might be experiencing something similar, please don’t make the mistake I did. Listen to your body, listen to your intuition.

If you’re “randomly” coming down with colds, experiencing headaches, feel drained or loss of appetite, have no pleasure in your interests and feel yourself becoming isolated, this is your intuition and body trying to communicate something is wrong. Of course it looks different for everyone but do not take your safety and wellbeing for granted. If it’s available, considering contacting a professional.

Listening to your body and intuition could save your life so if you suspect someone you’re seeing or are romantically interested in is “off”, especially in indescribable ways, be wary.