Yesterday I was confronted with unexpected, devastating news of a loved one passing away from Lupus and it’s weighing heavy on me. I spent the morning journaling my thoughts and feelings but now I’m internally spiralling because I’m worried that could be me any day with me battling ailments of my own. I try not to think or verbalise it because I don’t want to worry others or accidentally speak anything on myself, but every day, in the back of my mind it scares me. It scares the hell out of me that any moment can be my last. While I have faith I’ll be okay for the time being, nothing’s set in stone.

Knowing this, it’s the reason I try to remain kind in every interaction had. It’s why I try to forgive and respond to things with compassion opposed to aggression. I want to leave a positive impact on someone, doesn’t matter how big or small. There’s already so much negativity in the world and kindness costs nothing. Universe forbid any malicious force prospers against me, but if anything happens today or tomorrow I can at least know I lived every day in a way that felt good to me; giving back to my community and others while trying to recover.

I wish I could speak with someone other than my therapist and physicians about my frustrations. There’s so much happening in my life I don’t publicly speak on but just because I’m resilient people don’t understand, someone being able to carry something doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy. Venting about my annoyances alleviate some of the heaviness, but taking action does me one better. There’s nothing I can do other than stay hopeful and that’s what I intend to do, but I’m being mindful in the process.

I share an account with a disabled person. I purchase items for her with her money. Does the bank have the right to monitor her account without my knowledge? No, she never felt I misused her funds.

I have a weird wife. As long as I've lived, I can't get used to her. No matter what I do, I do everything wrong...It frustrates me all the time. I feel like a chronic loser. Did you get her flowers? The wrong ones! "You know what my favorites are." Invited me to a cafe, "I don't want to...you know I like to stay home." I eat the "wrong" food, the "unhealthy" food. I wear the wrong clothes, "unfashionable". I have a belly, "you're not athletic". I say the wrong thing in company. In general...I'm under some kind of stress all the time. And when she married me, everything was "the same." I don't know when it became "it's not like that." And the ones who do everything "that way" are the "girlfriends' husbands". They do it this way, and I don't do it that way. I want to meet these "holy men." And ask them how they got to this point. And recently, my wife has developed a new habit. First she asks me to do something, I try to do the best I can to match it. And she does the opposite. And everything I start doing, I have to redo it. That's even worse. It's destroying me as a person. I don't see the results of my labor and I'm constantly redoing some mistakes. I can't take it anymore. My friends advise me to ignore it and live. But how can I ignore her? We live together. and I started just taking alcohol. I have a drink and I'm easy and I have fun and I don't mind that I'm a loser. She starts yelling that I'm an alcoholic. But I don't care in that state and I can tell her, "No, I'm doing the right thing." But when I'm sober, I have to endure a scandal after such a boldness of mine....

My OCD is crippling and, as my psychologist said, it prevents me from living a full life. It has been with me for many years, while I haven’t even realized. I thought it was just general anxiety and overthinking. I’m afraid my brain is stuck in this loop forever, since it’s been like that for too long. I’ve read that, if untreated, some mental illnesses cause real changes in parts of the brain that will never be back to normal again. When I asked my psychologist about it, she shrugged it off, and now I’m worried she either didn’t want to scare me or she doesn’t know, LOL.

She tells me to make a goal, the destination we should come to. I don’t really know. I want to feel normal again, and I hate going to therapy, but some parts of my OCD are sort of parts of me now? Like, I have “safe” numbers (3, 5, 7..) and I avoid all the others. Which makes me re-check if my door is locked three times in a row, just because only three times does the trick. Yes, it’s silly, but it doesn’t hurt anyone? I can’t honestly say it makes me unhappy.

On the other hand, I hate constant worries about things that aren’t even possible, and I dream to get rid of those! I obsess over the smallest details until I’m completely out of energy. Having intrusive thoughts about bad stuff that happened years ago is dumb and emotionally draining. I almost feel I’d be OK with even all these things, if only I could get rid of the stress and constant anxiety they cost me.

I know some people say therapy helps them a bit with OCD, but it can’t be fully cured. I also believe that certain medications help, but I’m afraid of the side effects. Is it actually possible to recover your old self? I think I just need a little reassurance or happy stories, IDK...