I 39f married, one kid. I’m not happy. I’ve suffered from depression for a very long time, since 30yrs when I gave birth to my kid. I’ve tried to keep it under control, but lately I find my anxiety and nerves are through the roof. I’m mentally tired and my mood swings are random and unprovoked. Everything and everyone annoys me, I’m aware of it, but I can’t do anything about it. I shout at my kid and I argue with my husband. At the same time, I fear that everyone’s annoyed at my mood swings, that they’ll stop loving me and won’t want me around.

When I told this to my husband for like the fifth time, he said I needed to start taking pills again but I simply can’t make myself. I’ve developed a fear for all kinds of chemicals after watching several documentaries about Big Pharma conspiracies, and also after realizing what my own antidepression meds did to me. I was numb and senseless all the time. My husband thinks I was fine, but I was anything but fine when I was taking those meds. I was feeling nothing, super drained, no physical or emotional responses, just blankness. I can’t come back to that. I actually think taking those meds triggered my paranoia. We still don’t know for certain how meds affect our brains in the long run, and I’ve been taking them for almost nine years… I know that I was never so distrustful of other people, I never felt so acutely that everyone was against me, never was so paranoid about food or pills. I’m scared of a possiblity I might develop something more than depression, like psychosis or something worse. Please help

I've been working at my current job for three years now. Initially, everything was fine, but lately it feels like I'm just emotionally suffocating there. I wake up dreading going to work. My coworkers are decent people, but I've lost all desire to socialize. When I get home, I'm completely drained. I just stay in my bed and watch TV. My husband says I've become a completely different person. We used to go out a lot, hang out with friends, but now I can't muster the energy for any of it. I know that I need to make change, but I don't know where to start. Is this what they call a midlife crisis? Or could it be depression? How to get out of this?

Does anyone else struggle with their feeling of self?

I don’t know how to explain it. I was diagnosed with autism at age 11, though my parents dismissed it as something unimportant. I was a quiet child, always with a book or a puzzle, and never played with other kids, my only friend at school was a girl 4 years older. But I also had very good grades and enjoyed studying, while other kids hated studying and enjoyed social life. I rarely cried and showed irritation at being cuddled, which was one of the reasons my mother took me to the doctor in the first place. But I was never a tomboy, I liked dolls and was happy being on my own. Overall, I seemed normal, even though from early age I felt sad and tired, because it felt unfair that everything required extra effort in order just to fit in and not be completely alienated.

Fast-forward to now, I’m 29, pretty well established in my career and have a partner. My connections to family are very loose. My parents, as well as most of my college friends, consider me unemotional, lacking warmth and empathy, “a cactus”. For a long time I tried as hard as I could to pretend being a person everybody wants me to be: polite, kind and sincere. It drained me of all energy and still wasn’t enough to blend in. Girls at school somehow felt that I was only copying their reactions and words, not being really interested in their lives and hobbies. And they disliked me for it. I have no female friends even now, no matter how hard I try to connect with them. I understand men’s perspective much better, and tend to be direct in my opinions, which is somehow supposed to be rude… I prefer logic and systematizing over emotions and intuition, and fact over clues. I’ve been told I’m very bad at reading between the lines, and that’s why my social life is so “unsocial”. My professional field is men dominated, so, thankfully, I don’t need to mask myself at work too much. Outside work, I struggle to be myself and also with the way society treats me because of it. My partner is neurodivergent as well, sometimes I think it’s the only reason why he understands me better than others. I’m afraid if we ever break up, I’ll be lonely for the rest of my life. It’s very depressing.

The heartbreaking part about surviving narcissistic abuse is that your body never forgets. Not the pain, not the sorrow. That trauma follows you into every relationship formed and sometimes destroy them. If it’s something I knew sooner, it’s that your body will communicate through sickness. At the time of dating and even after escaping my covert narcissist ex, my intuition tried to warn me but I ignored it.

First, there was this pervasive sensitivity of anxiety; waking up anxious with a constricting feeling in my chest. My upper body felt stiff and the sensation lingered throughout the days. Then, I gradually lost interest in doing things that brought me pleasure followed by loss of appetite. The emotional turmoil that ensued was the worst of it all for me as someone who already struggles with emotional regulation as I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It can only be described as “dysphoric mania”, something I discovered after Googling my experience. I’d have intense feelings of euphoria one moment and crash hard from depression the next. The overall, impending feeling of doom and dread hovered over me until I escaped and took legal and sought professional support.

I was fortunate to transform that pain into power, but now I’m experiencing it all over again just with my new romantic interest. We met a little over a month ago at a concert where we exchanged info and immediately started talking and going on dates. For the most part, everything has been well. Any time he’d say or do something that would provoke discomfort I’d create a safe space for us to have open communication and converse about it. While he’s been receptive for the most part, the longer we remain in contact the worse the feeling gets. I know this isn’t unprovoked hypervigilance because I’ve been in therapy, performed enough body scans regularly and developed discernment to know when it’s my intuition and not anxiety. And I promised myself if at any point my heart and mind are confused on a person, I’d listen to my body and my body is telling me I’m unsafe.

I’ve never been one to ghost because I don’t condone unless the person is reasonably threatening to another’s safety, but I’m contemplating because alarm bells are going off and I don’t want to fuck around and find out anything I can save myself from. I’m going to speak more with my therapist about it but today and the rest of this week I’m going to continue practicing self care and giving myself grace. To anyone who might be experiencing something similar, please don’t make the mistake I did. Listen to your body, listen to your intuition.

If you’re “randomly” coming down with colds, experiencing headaches, feel drained or loss of appetite, have no pleasure in your interests and feel yourself becoming isolated, this is your intuition and body trying to communicate something is wrong. Of course it looks different for everyone but do not take your safety and wellbeing for granted. If it’s available, considering contacting a professional.

Listening to your body and intuition could save your life so if you suspect someone you’re seeing or are romantically interested in is “off”, especially in indescribable ways, be wary.