This is my life now. I’m a prisoner in my own home. I used to be independent, outgoing, and full of life, but the pandemic erased my life. My world has become smaller and smaller, and I find myself going out maybe once a week, if at all. Even then, it's only for the most essential tasks, and I'm consumed by anxiety and fear throughout the entire experience. The thought of leaving the safety and comfort of my home triggers waves of panic. I had to continue working from home because the thought of returning to commuting was just too much. And even then, I had to take a salary cut because my productivity has taken a hit. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, including myself.
It kills me that I rely on my partner for everything now. He has to run all the errands, go grocery shopping, and take care of our dog. I feel like a toddler, completely helpless and irresponsible, and it's eating me up inside. I want to be able to do these things on my own, but most of the time I can't seem to overcome this paralysis.
Today, for instance, I have anxiety medication waiting for me at the pharmacy, which is just a 10-minute walk away. It sounds like a simple task, but for me it's a challenge. I'm trying to find the motivation to leave the house and make that short trip, but my anxious part is telling me to just call my partner and ask him to pick up my med on his way home. It's a constant battle now, between the rational part of me that knows I need to go out and breathe in fresh air, and the overwhelming inertia and fear that keep me trapped inside.
I miss the days when I could go out with friends, enjoy a meal at a restaurant, or simply take a walk in the park without feeling I’m a hermit lost in a jungle. Now, even the thought of going to a social gathering makes me giddy. I feel like I'm missing out on so much, and my medication does not help me. It only stifles my anxiety for a little while.
