I’ve struggled with OCD since I was 9 years old. It started out as an obsessive fear that my family members would get in a car accident and die. I did all these odd rituals involving the number four (number of members in my immediate family) and I really had no idea what was happening or why until years later, when I started seeing a therapist as a teenager.

Long story short, it’s been a long struggle and my OCD has taken on many different forms over the years. What could be described as religious trauma in high school triggered my OCD to take on a religious theme where I was living in constant terror that I would go to hell for any number of reasons, and obsessively praying for repentance for hours every day. That’s not a type of OCD that’s often talked about, but for me, it was by far the most distressing.

Anyway, I overcame that to an extent (though I still struggle with anxiety in religious contexts) and my most recent OCD fixation has been with germs and contamination - eventually I found my way to this “classic” type, I guess. But I had a small yet significant victory the other day that I wanted to share in case it might encourage someone who is also struggling. Since COVID lockdown ended, I’ve had a really hard time with “public” germs and feeling a need to “decontaminate” before touching anything when I get home. This is especially true when I’ve used a public restroom - I’ve felt like I have to immediately change my clothes to avoid contaminating anything. Just a few months ago, I actually burst into tears because I couldn’t figure out how to get upstairs to change my clothes without contaminating my socks and then the entire upstairs floor with the public restroom germs on the floor around me from my shoes.

Well, the other day, I got home after having been in public and having used the public restroom, and without changing my clothes, I SAT ON THE FREAKING COUCH! Sounds very small if this isn’t something you relate to, but it was a huge step I’ve been working towards for months.

It takes time and effort and fear and frustration, but…the feeling of freedom when you finally manage to push through the nagging thoughts is beyond worth it. I still have lots of work to do, but I’ve taken a step in the right direction and you can, too. One step at a time.

Hey, everyone.

The last four months I've been experiencing some weird symptoms of spacing out and forgetting things and people. Not in the extreme kind of way. I do remember big details, like who this person is, their name and how we met ect. Although details of what we did or talked about the day before can get a little hazy, and I often need reminders of what happened. When I get those reminders, my brain catches on and it comes back to me. But it often comes in pieces and in different shades.

This state of forgetfullness is not constant. It comes in "episodes" from some hours to days to stretch.

I usually explain it as some kind of "dreamworld" with shaded sunglasses glasses I get into. When I "wake up" from it (aka. take off the glasses) I still technically know where I am, but see everything in a much brighter shade. When I try to remember the time before, it is like trying to remember a drunk night. Again, I remember the big things, but it doesn't really feel like I was present or there. Me and my boyfriend call it KFC (originated from AFK "away from keyboard", but I was not familiar with that term and kept accidentally calling it KFC, so we just stuck with it :P).

This also affects my loved ones, since I don't remember bonding experiences fully, and i with KFC sometimes also forget their needs. Because of this, i really want to find a solution.

So how does OCD come into this?

I as a person am very creative and have many "childish" traits. I usually get urges to do funny stuff , like wanting to climb on a railing, pet the cat or get a leaf from a tree I'm passing. Sadly no matter the circumstances, these urges still remain. Even when I'm having a scuffle with a friend or am comforting someone, I can not get rid of the thoughts that I really want to pet that cat. These urges have never been harmful and therefore I have never even considered them as any disorder. Other symptoms that could align with ocd, is that I very often have random thought processes that don't make sense. I can just go with my day and suddenly think of how cans are made, or what nothingness looks like and have a huge urge to discuss my thoughts. The thoughts are not voluntary and Its difficult for me to shut them out and concentrate/listen on something/someone else while having them.

On the other hand I do not have the "normal" OCD symptoms. I don't have urges to repeat patterns, slap butts in public, nor am I germophobic. I do have strong sense of organizing and knowing where to put things, but on the other hand I don't mind my room being messy at times either. When my brain is foggy or I am stressed I can get I to obsessive cleaning.

Thank you for reading this long post. I don't expect any scientific diagnoses from you guys, we are all just people after all. But I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on the matter. If you have any questions, hit me up 😊

Like a real diagnose I mean.

I had a mild social anxiety disorder, but I was not officially diagnosed with and obsessive-compulsive disorder for years, which lead to an age of doubts and suffering. When people think of OCD it’s usually about germs, control freaks, or worries about whether you’ve locked the door. But, as with many mental health problems, it’s just not that easy. It cost me months of anxiety, nights without sleep, problems at work and zero effect from medical treatment.

I was told to increase doses, that I had Borderline disorder, that maybe I was not yet realizing I was getting better. Only when my second therapist advised me to visit a psychiatrist and we began talking about depression and why exactly it all returned to fears that never proved right but still persisted and ruined my life… that’s when OCD came up. The thing is, it’s not about a particular set of fears or one particular obsession. It’s about the pattern that goes on and on, often in such ways that you don’t even see it. I’d become obsessed about my health and new moles, then switch to thinking about my dog’s health. Then for days I’d worry about my future, that I was secretly homosexual, that I had no mental problems at all but some disease… My brain would cling to each of these doubts and obsess about it. Then I’d come to the therapist and we would talk about manias... I began to question if he actually knew what was wrong with me, but not soon enough.

I’m super thankful that in the end, I was prescribed antidepressants, with a diagnosis somewhat better than the initial one. But how many people like me waste time and money being misdiagnosed?