THIS MUST SEEM TOO LONG TO READ AND WILL UNDERSTAND IF ANYONE DON'T WANT TO READ IT BUT I THOUGHT OF SHARING IT. IF YOU READ TILL END THEN I AM ALREADY VERY THANKFUL TO YOU.
I don't know if I am making any progress in life, is it going to make things in my life better or just trying (like a missile with no guidance system) which won't have any good end result. Like is it all just an illusion that I am trying to achieve goals in life and will achieve something which I want to in the end but the end result will be zero (0) because I am not able to do it properly or I am just not able to (or not upto the mark at this stage of my life).
To make things clear, I am 27 years old. Computer Science Engineer with no proper (coding) skills to secure a good job in any company. So basically I have been jobless since I passed out from college which was in 2018. It is not like that all the B.tech graduates in India have good proper skills (right after college) to secure at least a freshers job after passing from college. Even after 2-3 years of passing out there are a lot of options. After 3-4 years of passing out and not having work experience is when the need to acquire good skills is required.
Now, how I got into this situation is by MY OWN DECISIONS. I will make this short as I don't want to explain more than what is required to get to know my situation.
I loved a girl from high school truly and madly. Actually we both loved each other. But I loved her more than she or I would have ever thought of. We broke up after 3.5 years of relationship. Then all in my mind left was just her (like everything about her only) and god knows I cried a lot and even tried a lot to get myself move on in life and make myself successful because breakups happen to almost everyone. But I failed miserably in it and also in my high school board exams too. In the meantime she went through a lot too but she was always smart, mature and she moved on. She went to another city, made friends and also kept in mind about career growth. She also went into relationships (some worked some didn't but now she is in a filmy kind of relationship which means she is like in a dream love affair and will get married soon too). But all these times we kept talking and chatting (as a friend) whenever we got time (meaning whenever she got time because I was always there for her everything from texts to calls like everything). And all those times I just acted that I am okay because I was happy that she is doing good in her life and I always just kept my feelings to myself. But I was in deep pain. Even when I got the chance to get into new relationships I just was not up for it.
Reality was after I lost her I lost everything in my life (except thank god not my family). I started drinking hard, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed and then hard drugs because these things used to give me escape from the reality in which I was living now. I know I should have faced reality head on but I was emotionally too drained and invested in her. I always used to wait a year when she would come back home from college and we used to meet (like 1-2 times max 3 times). And I would just listen to her looking at her (like how a child looks at the toy he/she wants from a toy shop). I never told her what I felt all those times and what it was like meeting her after a year of hoping to meet her. And the tears of mine when she used to leave I remember them so vividly that I can't forget them. This was the only thing which kept me going. That feeling of hope that I will meet her again.
Then sh*t and life both happened and I was left with nothing. Only her memories were and are by my side now. And will always be (no one can take this from me).
Now more hard drugs, drinking and everything happened and my career was down in the gutter. When I used to get sober everyday or every other day dreams of her used to pay me a visit everytime I tried to sleep. Even sleep was like a luxury to me. And feeling depressed was normal. Then relapses of addiction happened again and again.
Right now, I am completely sober for a few months and I still have dreams about her (to remind you yeah even after 13 fuc***g years). That love of mine has changed me completely (I won't be able to explain more about it but for an instance now I don't even laugh properly).
But now I want to be successful in my life. All those things which I turned down because I was not alright I want it now. It will be the only thing which will bring joy into my life because after hitting rock bottom and getting back up takes a lot of courage, strength, dedication and hard work and if I will be able to get back up then in my eyes I will gain my respect again.
I am trying to get certifications so that I can be able to fulfill the career gap which I am having. But the thing is I am not what I used to be. I am not what others in my batch are. I am not able to learn fast. Or if I am able to learn fast I am not able to practice properly to have a grip on the topic or language. I make plans but I fail in fulfilling them. And I wake up everyday feeling depressed because of lots of things (like how my peers have achieved so much till now and where I am now, also about her of course etc). I am angry both at her and myself too. I am angry and I am in a lot of pain too. I feel a range of emotions. I have self doubt. Also recovering from years of drug abuse and it will take time. But somehow I just feel am I not enough anymore or was I ever?
I don't have that confidence left in me. I am trying but I am not even sure if it is going to help or not.
A lot is happening and has happened. I can't even write my feelings, my emotions, my stories (it's overwhelming and too much) but I want it all to end because now I am too fed up. I can't take it anymore. I have to get something which will make me feel I am not a loser (I have been but don't want to be anymore). I know I have been a complete idiot, stupid or whatever you think of me. Also if you felt too much trouble to understand what I tried to express then no worries because I know I am not good at expressing my thoughts, feelings or even articulating words. I am just a loser, a total wreck who is just trying to get back up. Bear with me.
don't go into retail. trust me, my mom wasted half her life there and it's not worth it. keep pursuing your dreams and don't listen to others. i know it's tough right now, but you're on the right track.
people might not get it, but that's okay. you're not a fool for chasing your dreams. you're brave. don't let anyone tell you it's not possible. yeah, the pay sucks right now, but it's temporary. you're investing in your future. keep looking for better opportunities and you'll find something that pays better but pls don’t even consider retail
Honestly, your boyfriend might mean well, but only you know what's best for you. It's about taking risks and seeing where they lead. You're gaining valuable experience, and that's something no one can take away from you. Keep your eyes on the prize ;)
@Avinash I know he’s right that I need another job to supplement my income but sometimes if just feels like he’s not being supportive of my goals. Especially if he wants me to move 10 hours away fro my family with him.
@megan kohler You gotta be your own biggest supporter. After all, you are the only one who will truly see and enjoy the results of all that hard work. Don't lean too much on the opinions of others, even your boyfriend :)
Your determination to pursue your dreams is totally inspiring!! But listen to me: you HAVE to find people who will support you through all of this. Creative careers are not easy and you just need someone to support you through the tough times. I am an artist myself and I have faced many rejections and if it wasn't for the support of my friends, I would have given up a long time ago and wouldn't have found the job I am working at today. It took me a year and a half to get what I want. A year and a half!!! While it may seem like a long time, it's actually quite brief compared to others who spend decades striving for their goals. DECADES!! Your boyfriend might not be willing to wait that long, but the real question is: are you prepared for all of this? I mean rejections/criticism/assholes. There is a lot of work to be done and you need to realize that you need people to support you. Do you have anyone like that in your life who can provide the support you need?
@Eunomia 1000%
Meg, your boyfriend’s kinda missing the point here. You need support, not someone telling you what you can't do. Like, I have a girlfriend and I legit couldn’t imagine not having her back with her dreams. It’s her life, you know? And I’m just here to cheer her on and vice versa. That’s how it should be
Sure, you can be close to someone, but at the end of the day, it’s your life. You gotta do you and not worry about what others think. You don’t owe anyone anything. Your dreams are yours and you should chase them. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for wanting more out of life
Meg, you’re on the right path and if he doesn’t believe in you, know that I do!
@BunnY Yeah, it's all about having each other's backs. It’s like, when you’re down, knowing someone is there to lift you up makes a world of difference. And honestly, just being there, you know? Like, the nights when it feels like everything’s falling apart, having someone to talk to is priceless. Gotta cherish those who stick around and support you through thick and thin
And hey don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone’s got their own stuff. Maybe not photography right now, but who knows? Things change. You could find your way back someday. Until then, just keep doing what makes you happy
@Noahツ you’re such a great bf. I actually came here to write what Eunomia wrote, but they did it way better 😂
Anyway- Noah, I wish I had someone like you like a year or so ago before I gave up on pursuing a career as a photographer. I work in management now and don’t get me wrong, the money and people are good but it’s just so hard. It def feels like a grind and I miss the creative rush
A lot of my friends didn’t get why I wanted to do photography and it was tough. I kept second-guessing myself until I just stopped trying. Seeing your support here makes me realize how important it is to have people who believe in you
I’m lowkey jealous but also super happy for you and your girl 😂 Thanks for being awesome!
@BunnY That's exactly what I'm talking about! It's very hard for creative people to get by on their own. And not just creative people, but all people. But why don't you try photography in your spare time?
@Noahツ I think sometimes people who aren't in creative fields don't really get how much emotional support matters. They see the financial struggles and think it's all about money, but it's not just that, right? It's about having someone who believes in your vision, even when things get tough. Like, when you get rejected or when people question your choices, you need that person who says: hey, keep going, you're doing great! They just don’t get it. I remember when I started out, there were so many days I felt like quitting, but having friends who believed in me made all the difference. You can't put a price on that kind of support. Megan, if you don't have that from your boyfriend, then maybe it's time to reassess. And Noah, you're right about doing your own thing. It's your life, and you've got to live it on your terms
i didn't expect to see a writer here, hi! i know how it feels when your dreams seem so far away and the world is pushing you in a different direction. there was this person in my life, someone i thought was a friend, who was always so envious of what i was doing. they would subtly discourage me, telling me that my dreams were unrealistic and that i should just settle for something more..well, 'practical'. it made me question myself and my abilities
those doubts are just that–doubts. you have a passion for writing and that's a beautiful thing. it's something that not everyone has, believe me. i'm not saying your boyfriend is like that envious friend of mine, but sometimes people who care about us worry in ways that aren't always helpful
if you feel like retail isn't the right fit for you, that's okay. then look for opportunities that align with your goals. if i were you and wanted to settle this peacefully, i would consider jobs that still allow me to use my creative skills but in different ways.what about social media management or even teaching? i was a tutor once and it helped me a lot financially. the possibilities are endless really, you just gotta look broader
and no, you're no fool. i know for sure that every day you're getting closer to where you want to be! isn’t that's an accomplishment in itself?
@🌸 blossom 🌸 hi it’s nice to meet a writer on here too! I actually started to get into copywriting after I lost my job as a substitute teacher and believe me I do not wanna go back to teaching ever again, but I do realize that I need a job to support myself too. I just wanna find something that has at least a decent amount of hours and pays all right, and that would allow me to work towards my real goals, I hope that doesn’t sound stupid
@megan kohler no, that doesn't sound stupid at all! please don't speak negatively of yourself, after all, we should be our own biggest supporters, you know?
it's so hard to find the perfect job right now, but I believe you can find what works for you. just keep looking!
nowadays many people feel pressured to conform to traditional job roles, but it's important to stay true to what you love. your freelancing gigs are a wonderful start—they give you the experience you need and can serve as a foundation for your writing career. have you ever thought about reaching out to local businesses or small startups? they often need content creators and might offer more flexible hours, not to mention pay. it's understandable that others might not see the value in what you're doing, but remember, it's your life and your dreams. keep pushing forward and stay focused!
@Heather Stevens I agree with this. It's essential to pursue what makes you happy, even if others don't understand it. Freelancing is a great way to gain experience and build a career on your terms, don’t give it up
Girl, I’ve recently seen your post about the similar thing, and honestly, do you think it’s time to let your boyfriend know that you’re in charge? Because you are. You are in charge of your life. I get it, chasing your dreams can be tough, especially when the people around us don't fully understand. But remember, you're the one who knows what makes you happy and fulfilled. You're the one who gets to decide where to go and what to do. Maybe it's time to have a heart-to-heart with him about how important this is for you. He might not see it now, but your passion can change his perspective. Keep looking, there's something out there that will work for you. And about those checks, as long as you've done your homework and trust the company, that's what matters. You know it's not a scam, so let others think what they want. Don't let anyone make you feel like a fool for following your dreams. The only fool is the one who never tries.