I had a job interview today for an entertainment writing position and I think I totally failed it. I feel like I didn’t come across as enthusiastic as I should’ve maybe I was just scared but now I feel like a loser. I have no job I can’t get unemployment no matter how hard I try I’m Useless I suck at life. I’m not meant to be happy

Lately, I don't know what I'm doing married. I feel like a stranger in my family, the whole environment is annoying. I look at my husband and don't understand how I could marry him...I am disoriented in my family...It's like I woke up from a dream.... I used to sleep ...now, I saw my husband...a passive man who doesn't need anything...he gets little money, doesn't strive anywhere and spends a lot of time on the internet...My child also annoys me: no order, no achievements.... the apartment is terrible... the city's a shithole. What am I doing here? How did I get here? I want to run... somewhere in my house. A beautiful, clean home, where my husband is a leader and I'm driven to succeed. I can't go anywhere on my own, and my husband won't pull me. I'm annoyed by the garbage at home, even the fact that my husband put a mug in the wrong place. The child does not strive for excellent grades. I want everything to be perfect. The best city, a very big salary, beautiful people in buses and subways, a perfect apartment, an excellent child, a perfect husband .... Where to run and where to look for the perfect place? How to make the world be perfect? I realize that there is no such thing as perfect...but I so want everything new...and so I secretly packed my bags and am leaving everyone in the family. yes, I'm leaving a non-perfect family ...I'm going to meet my ideal, different country, great conditions. And the loser husband can stay in his hole. When I get settled, I'll take the baby. I don't know, I think I'm doing something wrong, but this is an escape from the family, which arose spontaneously ... maybe it's schizophrenia

Thank you all for supporting me!!! I don't feel so lonely now... But I have to sneakily read the site because we can't access the internet from my phone. For those who think that this is a good place for a child, I want to write my feelings.... I tell them to my mom when she says "you will become disciplined".I said, "You're a disciplinarian, aren't you?" She said, "Yes." "Do you like to lie down with your phone in the morning? " I ask her. I get an affirmative answer. To which I suggest my mom imagine that in the morning an officer is yelling near her ear, and if I don't jump out of bed immediately, I get a reprimand. And then I'm running cross-country. And mom hangs up the phone.She doesn't realize that it is so hard to tolerate the same person all day long, and an unpleasant one at that. There's always the same "..." in the ranks. He's the one who sleeps next to me. We share a bedside table with him. There's no other way. They yell at me for everything. I have to do everything fast. Guys are not nice around me. You can't look for sympathy and weakness, you have to expect aggression and have time to hit.I'm locked up like a prison, video surveillance everywhere, lesson control. You can't lie in bed during the day. There's a lot of sports. I'm sick of it all. I could probably escape, but where to?I'm not welcome anywhere, my parents don't need me. I don't have any friends here yet. I have to be aggressive, otherwise I will be considered a loser.

There's always a tough officer around, and instead of sympathy, he yells at me not to whine. All in all, my childhood was a success

THIS MUST SEEM TOO LONG TO READ AND WILL UNDERSTAND IF ANYONE DON'T WANT TO READ IT BUT I THOUGHT OF SHARING IT. IF YOU READ TILL END THEN I AM ALREADY VERY THANKFUL TO YOU.

I don't know if I am making any progress in life, is it going to make things in my life better or just trying (like a missile with no guidance system) which won't have any good end result. Like is it all just an illusion that I am trying to achieve goals in life and will achieve something which I want to in the end but the end result will be zero (0) because I am not able to do it properly or I am just not able to (or not upto the mark at this stage of my life).

To make things clear, I am 27 years old. Computer Science Engineer with no proper (coding) skills to secure a good job in any company. So basically I have been jobless since I passed out from college which was in 2018. It is not like that all the B.tech graduates in India have good proper skills (right after college) to secure at least a freshers job after passing from college. Even after 2-3 years of passing out there are a lot of options. After 3-4 years of passing out and not having work experience is when the need to acquire good skills is required.

Now, how I got into this situation is by MY OWN DECISIONS. I will make this short as I don't want to explain more than what is required to get to know my situation.

I loved a girl from high school truly and madly. Actually we both loved each other. But I loved her more than she or I would have ever thought of. We broke up after 3.5 years of relationship. Then all in my mind left was just her (like everything about her only) and god knows I cried a lot and even tried a lot to get myself move on in life and make myself successful because breakups happen to almost everyone. But I failed miserably in it and also in my high school board exams too. In the meantime she went through a lot too but she was always smart, mature and she moved on. She went to another city, made friends and also kept in mind about career growth. She also went into relationships (some worked some didn't but now she is in a filmy kind of relationship which means she is like in a dream love affair and will get married soon too). But all these times we kept talking and chatting (as a friend) whenever we got time (meaning whenever she got time because I was always there for her everything from texts to calls like everything). And all those times I just acted that I am okay because I was happy that she is doing good in her life and I always just kept my feelings to myself. But I was in deep pain. Even when I got the chance to get into new relationships I just was not up for it.

Reality was after I lost her I lost everything in my life (except thank god not my family). I started drinking hard, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed and then hard drugs because these things used to give me escape from the reality in which I was living now. I know I should have faced reality head on but I was emotionally too drained and invested in her. I always used to wait a year when she would come back home from college and we used to meet (like 1-2 times max 3 times). And I would just listen to her looking at her (like how a child looks at the toy he/she wants from a toy shop). I never told her what I felt all those times and what it was like meeting her after a year of hoping to meet her. And the tears of mine when she used to leave I remember them so vividly that I can't forget them. This was the only thing which kept me going. That feeling of hope that I will meet her again.

Then sh*t and life both happened and I was left with nothing. Only her memories were and are by my side now. And will always be (no one can take this from me).

Now more hard drugs, drinking and everything happened and my career was down in the gutter. When I used to get sober everyday or every other day dreams of her used to pay me a visit everytime I tried to sleep. Even sleep was like a luxury to me. And feeling depressed was normal. Then relapses of addiction happened again and again.

Right now, I am completely sober for a few months and I still have dreams about her (to remind you yeah even after 13 fuc***g years). That love of mine has changed me completely (I won't be able to explain more about it but for an instance now I don't even laugh properly).

But now I want to be successful in my life. All those things which I turned down because I was not alright I want it now. It will be the only thing which will bring joy into my life because after hitting rock bottom and getting back up takes a lot of courage, strength, dedication and hard work and if I will be able to get back up then in my eyes I will gain my respect again.

I am trying to get certifications so that I can be able to fulfill the career gap which I am having. But the thing is I am not what I used to be. I am not what others in my batch are. I am not able to learn fast. Or if I am able to learn fast I am not able to practice properly to have a grip on the topic or language. I make plans but I fail in fulfilling them. And I wake up everyday feeling depressed because of lots of things (like how my peers have achieved so much till now and where I am now, also about her of course etc). I am angry both at her and myself too. I am angry and I am in a lot of pain too. I feel a range of emotions. I have self doubt. Also recovering from years of drug abuse and it will take time. But somehow I just feel am I not enough anymore or was I ever?

I don't have that confidence left in me. I am trying but I am not even sure if it is going to help or not.

A lot is happening and has happened. I can't even write my feelings, my emotions, my stories (it's overwhelming and too much) but I want it all to end because now I am too fed up. I can't take it anymore. I have to get something which will make me feel I am not a loser (I have been but don't want to be anymore). I know I have been a complete idiot, stupid or whatever you think of me. Also if you felt too much trouble to understand what I tried to express then no worries because I know I am not good at expressing my thoughts, feelings or even articulating words. I am just a loser, a total wreck who is just trying to get back up. Bear with me.