They label it “hyper independence”, I refer to it as being self-reliant.

They see it as having “trust issues”, I perceive it as people having issues with being truthful.

It’s incredibly infuriating how people are willing to deflect accountability and will accuse you of everything in the book when in actuality it’s just you calling them out on their shit. I know there’s a difference between isolation and holding space with yourself but because of recurring situations, I’m choosing to isolate. I’m isolating because I’m tired. I’m tired of experiencing the same shit and I’m tired of meeting the same, unhealed people just in different situations.

I’m not “hyper independent” because I have no problem asking for help when I REALLY need it, but I recognise everything starts with me and that I’m the only person with the power to change the circumstances of my situation. If I wait around for others then nothing will get done. Opportunities don’t just fall into a person’s lap, they have to create them, and every day I’m putting in my best effort to ensure I create as many as possible.

I don’t have trust issues because I possess discernment and accept people for who they are. When they show me their true colours, I don’t feel the need to repaint or attempt to change them. I acknowledge that’s their character and act accordingly, even if it means separating myself indefinitely or permanently. What I DO take issue with is people lying to my face then playing victim when they experience the consequences of their actions.

Allowing myself emotional vulnerability is something I’m continuously working toward because growing up, I didn’t have a safe space to express myself. I didn’t have the support systems I have today but even now I still struggle because I only feel seen and supported in limited spaces such as therapy and workshop. The one time I tried reaching out for comfort from the few people I wanted to call friends, it went exactly how it did in the past and now I’m closing myself off.

I clarified that I was seeking support and not advice, but whether than listening they either: affirmed me where I wasn’t looking to be, didn’t understand or it turned into them venting about their problems and me comforting them. While I recognise they aren’t intentionally being malicious, it doesn’t change that it hurts. I’ve already talked to them about this but where I’m at now, even knowing it’s a trauma response, I feel so much more comforted in isolation. This isn’t going to change me being vulnerable when needed, but moving forward I have no intention of befriending, dating or creating relationships with anyone until I get other priorities in my life together.

So fuck it. Call me hyper independent and accuse me of having trust issues. Nobody understands my situation more than I do because I’m the person living through it. Whatever hardships I face, success I experience or accomplishments achieved, will all stay between me and my therapist. I understand that by choosing to isolate myself I’m damaging what little support I could receive outside of therapy and workshops but I’ll figure it out. I just don’t have the heart to continue being disappointed by people.

Up until September 2022 I’ve spent most of my life people-pleasing and bending over backwards for others with little to no reciprocation. In previous friendships and relationships I was treated like a therapist; a resource; someone to trauma dump on and abandon once the support sought was received. This has been an ongoing pattern that manifested and unconsciously continued until I broke the cycle by deciding to choose myself.

Since beginning to prioritise my wellbeing post escaping an abusive relationship, I began redefining what friendship looks like to me and how I want future connections to form. That involved cutting ties, reframing my perspective, changing my surrounding and adjusting my approach. Now, 2 almost 3 years into my journey I find myself alone because I’ve noticed this generation’s definition of friendship is based off either: what you can do for others, people wanting to experience abundance by proximity, how much you’ll let others take advantage of you or the amount of shallow intimacy had.

There’s a difference between holding space with yourself and isolating, and while I hold space with myself most days I definitely isolate on others. I’m okay with having no friends because I’m protecting my peace and will continue to, however whenever I’m meeting people for the first time and their immediate reaction is to trauma dump I disassociate with quickness.

I understand it’s not always done maliciously but it’s exhausting. I acknowledge that receiving professional help is easier said than done and it’s privilege to have accessibility to mental health services, but trauma dumping on someone you met within hours of meeting them is a red flag for me. Life isn’t sunshine and rainbows 24/7 and I recognise that. I don’t believe in enforcing toxic positivity because that does more harm than good, but where I’m at right now I just want to make connections and enjoy the little goodness that’s left while the world is going to shit.

Being surrounded by people who constantly complain, always see the negative and are problem focused instead of seeking alternatives, acknowledging positives and being solution oriented is very genuinely draining. It’s okay to vent when needed, it helps decompress, but to NEVER have anything good to talk about? That’s troubling to me. Yes, people (apart of your support system or not) are supposed to help in your time of need but they’re not qualified professionals trained to guide you through every traumatic event you experienced. Continuously dumping shit on people without even knowing their capacity to receive potentially triggering information shouldn’t be normalised and is selfish in my opinion, but I unfortunately keep running into people like this.

I love helping others more than anything but I refuse to fall back into old patterns. I’m no longer trying to save anyone, I just hope I inspire people enough to save themselves. General advice, a shoulder to lean on and encouragement is all I can give. I’m tired of being treated like an afterthought, arm candy or expedient. I’ve been traumatised enough by previous trauma bonds and recognising I’ll outgrow those connections sooner or later, I don’t want future friendships/relationships to develop from trauma bonding. I trust in my decision making abilities more than anything but sometimes I feel bad, am I the asshole for immediately disassociating with people who attempt to trauma bond with me?

I've been struggling with some stuff lately and I'm not sure what to do. I've been thinking about going to see a psychiatrist, but honestly, the idea of it really freaks me out. I mean, opening up about all the things going on in my head is pretty scary. So instead, I've just been looking things up online. I know it's not the same as getting help, but it feels safer, at least for now

The other day, I was watching some videos on YouTube, just trying to understand myself better. That's when I came across this video about BPD. So many of the things they were describing..it was like they were talking about me

I've always had trouble with relationships. One minute I'm super close to someone, and the next I'm pushing them away. My moods are all over the place too. I can be on top of the world one moment, and then something tiny happens and I'm down instantly

The video also talked about this feeling of emptiness and not really knowing who you are. That hit home too. I feel like I'm just playing different roles, trying to figure out which one fits. I've been doing this for years now, just trying to cope on my own. But lately, it's been getting harder. The ups and downs are more intense. I'm starting to worry about how it's affecting my life

I guess what I'm really wondering is..has anyone else here gone through something similar? Did you end up seeing a psychiatrist? If so, what was it like? I'm still really nervous about the idea. I don't know, maybe I'm just overthinking all of this

In the past, I would overwhelm myself by shouldering the problems of others without having anyone to help me with my own. I felt obligated to because that’s what friends are for, right? But after a year of therapy, support workshops and self-help exercises I’ve come to learn no, that’s NOT what friends are for.

When I lacked boundaries and healthy communication skills, I allowed people to constantly trauma dump on me. These people were individuals I called “friends.” The thing about it is, they had no regard for MY mental/emotional wellbeing and would discard me once they felt better. Or if I attempted to be vulnerable around them they were “too busy”/unavailable.

Now that I have healthy boundaries, an understanding of my limitations and respect my limited capacity to receive negative information, I honour myself by asserting these boundaries and communicating these limitations to anyone I’m building rapport with.

Because if it’s something I’ve also learned, it’s that everyone’s definition of a friend looks different. For some, it’s someone you occasionally talk to, for others it’s what a person can do for them. Myself personally, a friend is someone I can share laughs with but also expect them to hold me accountable if I say/do something inappropriate. It’s me knowing I can also hold them accountable and that there can be healthy conflict without fallout. It’s sharing core values and interests, but also having differences and still getting along.

These days a lot of people don’t want friends, they want “fans” and “followers.” Individuals who’ll cosign on anything and everything they do regardless of it’s right or wrong. They don’t want to take responsibility or grow to better themselves, they don’t want to build long lasting relationships, just superficial and short term connections. They don’t want ACTUAL friends, they want therapists; people to dump things on, and because of that I’ll remain selective social and continue holding space with myself.

Yes, your friends should be there to support you in your time of need but they shouldn’t be treated like therapists. YES, your friends are loved ones and people apart of your support system but NO, they’re not qualified professionals to guide you through traumatic events and life experiences.

That’s why I’m tired of seeing the narrative, “You’re a bad friend/person if you don’t let your loved ones trauma dump on you!” because it’s so inconsiderate? Everyone has a life outside the friendships they build and that should be understood as well as respected.

Everybody’s capacity is different, and if you can’t take two seconds to ask if the person is in a well enough, mental and emotional head space to receive information that has the potential to be triggering then you’re not as good of a friend as you think. Your friends and loved ones shouldn’t feel “obligated” to be emotionally overwhelmed because they’re afraid you’ll accuse them of being uncaring.

Additionally, just because you might have the capacity to do it doesn’t mean you have to. It’s great that you’re looking out for your loved ones but it’s their responsibility to seek professional outlets that’ll accommodate their circumstances. People really don’t understand how that can put a strain on friendships, intentional or not. And I understand that receiving professional help is extremely difficult, but if you think your friends are therapists then you should re-evaluate yourself. While there are people comfortable with having this dynamic, others aren’t.

With me deciding to no longer be the therapist friend, it’s been QUIET. With me setting boundaries, it’s, “Oh Mitchel you’ve changed.” With me stepping away from anything that doesn’t positively serve me after respectfully communicating my disassociation, it’s, “Mitchel’s weird.”

I didn’t change nor am I weird, I just respect myself enough to no longer let people take advantage of me and they dislike it, but I’m okay with that. No longer being the therapist friend is one of the best things I’ve done for myself, and while I of course still support and advocate for others when possible, I do it in a way that doesn’t overwhelm me or invalidate them.